Myths and Misconceptions

so, the MOST important thing for anyone to know about adoption, is that chances are, you don't know anything. i was surprised to find, when i first set foot into the world of adoption, how inaccurate most of my notions of adoption were! and in my conversations with people from many varying levels of education and experience on the matter i have encountered some shocking ideas! i try to cut folx some slack knowing i was once so unenlightened. also, given the rapid and dramatic evolution adoption has undergone, even in MY lifetime, as well as the media's love for horror stories and worst case scenarios, it isn't any wonder that many have outdated or fearful thoughts on the matter.
to people in the adoption family, these things are sacred. to have something SO beautiful and so much a part of who we are and what we love misunderstood can feel like the sharpest dagger to the most tender part of the heart. (and some of us can get pretty feisty)
SO, this week I'm going to feature some of the most common and most harmful myths and misconceptions. Birth mamas, adoptive parents, and adoptees feel free to add some of your (least) favorites as well as add you commentary to the ones listed.


"Birthparents don't want their babies"

i saved the worst for first! I'm not kiddin, it hurt my chest to write that!
i have not met this birthmom.
abortion is ever more available, affordable, and acceptable. the woman who can't be bothered to raise a child, i would think would take this route.
i wanted Justin more than ANYTHING I'd EVER wanted! it took me MONTHS to get over myself! the only thing i wanted more than to have his hand always in mine was for him to have all that could be his!
adoption is rarely a birthmother's plan A. to come to and through this choice, we must break our own hearts, defy our very instinct! NEVER believe that it is anything other than the love of our children that could enable us to do this impossible thing!

"a woman chooses adoption in order to have the chance to finish growing up, pursue their education, etc."

while this IS a benefit of choosing adoption, it is NOT a reason to.
I'm blessed by the many experiences and opportunities I've had to live the young single adult life. college, roommates, dating. i can spend my time and money however i choose. all of these things are greatly hindered for a single mom. but i tell you, without hesitation, i would give it ALL back! he means so much more to me than ANY of it! I was not my reason. HE was. i was totally prepared to put my WHOLE WORLD on the alter to keep him with me. but i couldn't sacrifice his.

"a birth mother can move on"

this is true and false.
i have progressed. I've had healing. my priorities and focuses have evolved. where, in the beginning, i thought of little else, my world is now full of other interests and pursuits.
while this isn't my whole identity, it's still a big chunk. and that's ok. it's awesome in fact. i will think about Justin and his family everyday of my life. and it brings me joy, not pain.
for 9 months we shared our food, water, blood, and oxygen! he is flesh of my own flesh! bone of my bone! i will NEVER be "over it". and i don't wanna be. i will never put them away in a box in the closet. this story is my FAVORITE story! about my favorite people! it will bless me all my days!

"if i choose adoption....I'll be broken"

this was one of mine. it's also true and false. it was fully my expectation at the time i made my choice that i would function around a broken heart for the rest of my life, like an emotional limp. my choice did brake my heart, to be sure. my arms ached for him. my chest hurt. it felt my air went with him. i had longed, i had missed, I'd felt loss, but never like this. to write of it now i can still feel the memory of it. i had lost a child. and i felt it. not just for a few days or weeks or months. i felt sorrow and grief for the first few years and occasionally even still. i have to say though, there was peace and sweetness to temper the bitter aching from the very start. but as time passed it began to be intermingled with more and more gratitude, peace, joy, until i rarely hurt anymore. i feel deeply when i tell my story but when i cry, don't feel sorry for me! my tears are the gratitude my words can't express! Justin stopped by on his way home and saved me. he was my missionary! my love for him was the only motivation sufficient to make me change. had God not blessed me with these most difficult trials, I'd still be locked up in anger and pain and darkness, my view so narrow. and i wouldn't know love. I'm not back to how i was before. I'm SO much better! I'm not broken. I'm mended! somehow, my greatest loss has been more than adequately compensated for. that's nothin but a miracle!


"people who choose adoption are very young, have drug problems, are very poor, and have very unstable lifestyles"

i wish this WERE true but as a result of these instabilities, in my observation, such women generally lack the clarity and presence of mind to choose adoption. on the contrary, I've seen conscientious, selfless, responsible people who, for those qualities, would make the best parents (in fact by putting their child's needs above their own, that's just what they're being).
while women of all ages, socioeconomic backgrounds, and circumstances have chosen adoption, the average age is 22. a young girl's frontal lobe is not fully developed and she often won't have a very clear sense of the reality of tomorrow or the needs of another person outside of herself. so she's going mainly on instinct, which of course dictates that she does not separate from her offspring. even at 18 it was nothing short of divine intervention that got me to, and through the decision. that said, i have known girls, young as 12, wise beyond their years and they are my heroes!
one of my many resistances to the idea of adoption was that i thought i didn't fit the bill. i thought adoption was for "those girls", the ones who would clearly be terrible parents. but i knew i was a good person, i would be a good mom. i thought, if you CAN raise your child, you do. i now know, it's a matter of good, better, best.


"adopted kids are always screwed up, if you place for adoption, your baby will be too"

i think it's funny now that i actually worried about this. there are several factors playing into this misconception. one is that people don't make the distinction between foster, international, and birthparent or infant adoptions. which is not at all to say that children adopted through the state or internationally WILL be "screwed up" but it certainly comes with a different set of challenges. the study I've seen showed that children adopted within the first 6 months of life (barring any abuse or neglect) showed no negative repercussions as a result of having been adopted. when compared to their peers they did as well or better in areas of academics, behavior, identity, or feelings of belonging. then when compared to those raised by single, biological parents the gap widens.
i think another factor is, yet again, the influence of the past. in the "dark ages of adoption" there was no openness, no information, no communication from a birthparent, and there was alot of shame and secrecy. we've learned from these mistakes and we now see that those things contributed to feelings of abandonment and inferiority. in this day of open, real, working relationships between birth and adoptive families, a child knows they came from love to love. they were not unwanted. they have EXTRA family who cherish them. there are no gaps in their identity. this is something that makes them special. we don't whisper about adoption anymore. there is nothing to hide!
furthermore, you cannot imagine the screening and procedures a couple goes through to adopt these days. and infertility can be quite the refiners fire. i think these folx are the cream of the crop! and after their work and wait and worry, and knowing the sacrifice it came from, they don't take parenthood lightly and they don't take their children for granted.


"the birthmom might try to take back the baby"

this is the stuff of Lifetime-made for TV-movies.
in GA i had 2 weeks after placement to change my mind. this added to my hell. i know some states allow up to 6 months. in UT the moment relinquishment has been signed it is already binding. even where it's possible, it is rare that a mother will change her mind after placement. adoption is not something that a person chooses half hearted or on a whim. my thoughts, while feeling that crushing loss, were that i would NEVER want them (his parents) to feel it. knowing what i knew, that that family was his, that they were better, even than my best, that THAT was the life that he was SUPPOSED to have, how could i take it away from him.
and again, things are not what they once were. if I'd chosen adoption because of social, religious, or family pressure instead of my own conviction that it was right for us. if i never held him or said goodbye. if i had to wake up every morning wondering where he was, with who, does he get enough kisses, is he fed well, etc. under these circumstances i can see how a person would have no peace and I'm certain i would have lost my mind. but this is NOT adoption today. as a birthmom sees the family she helped create, sees her baby laugh, sees the love his parents have for him, her decision is confirmed and solidified.


"no parent can love a child like their biological mother"

the instant i first saw him....words fail. i recognized immediately that i had never felt love before that moment. i felt my heart grow inside of my chest. i would've given my right arm for him, i'd've stepped infront of a bus for him. there was NOTHING i wouldn't have done for him. the world stopped....for moments while i tried to understand how he could be real. i recognized him. that moment is preserved in my heart. i feel it now as i shed even more grateful tears.
i regret i wasn't there the first time Debbie saw her Justin (but my heart still melts at the thought of it). i have NO doubt...no doubt that HER heart grew! that SHE knew him! that HER gratitude has spilled out through her tears for 13 years. she IS giving her life for him! day by day.
while the the blood we share is real and significant, it is not as real and as significant as is the sealing covenant. and biology does not have to exist for genuine family love to. i know that they COULD not love him more if he had their genes. i believe he was theirs before he was mine.

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  "placing for adoption is 'the easy way out'" or "she should be made to face the consequences of her choices."
  
  someone please tell me HOW the choice i made was easy?! it took all i had, no, MORE than i had! it was the most difficult and painful thing i've endured, and i CHOSE to endure it.
  my mama has said that adoption is the hardest choice to make but the easiest to live with. not to suggest that the pain associated with the loss of a child is short lived, but we have our peace of mind. we can see the fruits of our sacrifice and they compensate for our hurt. people are told that abortion will be an easy way out but it is a lie. easy choice to make, incredibly difficult choice to live with. there is no consequence-free escape route.
  did i make a very bad choice? yes. did my Justin? no. a human being is not to be used as an object lesson! should HE have to pay the consequences for my poor choice? no way!
  i certainly did not evade consequence, nor did i evade my responsibility to provide for my child, whatever the personal cost.
• 
  

   i once heard a set of parents express that they wanted their daughter to parent because if she placed, it would be too easy and she'd only do it again. the scenario they thought would help her be more responsible was that she (they) would raise the child. the truth is that women who choose adoption are LESS likely to conceive again out of wedlock. they also receive higher education and better employment and are less likely to live in poverty
  
  
  "well at least you didn't have an abortion". 
  
  firstly adoption isn't an "at least" situation. it's not just "better than" a horrible alternative. it's the BEST for my child. secondly, abortion was never on the table for me. and while it does happen, i've only known 3 women out of literally hundreds who changed their mind from abortion to adoption. they are on opposite ends of the spectrum. one seeks to evade consequences for self and the other chooses greater pain and difficulty for self to minimize that of the child. in my observation it is typically a choice between abortion and parenting or parenting and adoption. we don't choose adoption because we couldn't be bothered to parent. 
  
  
  (these are my own views and commentaries. i only represent myself in these statements. opinions may very, even among my adoption peers)
  .

adoption; then and now

i should explain a couple things in regard to the previous post. agency policy in '96 was that all correspondence between the birth and adoptive families was to be facilitated by the agency. meaning neither party had identifying information about the other; last names, phone numbers, addresses. also policy dictated that all correspondence would be discontinued at the 5 year mark. this was part of an evolution, coming out of what i call "the dark ages of adoption". these were the days of coercion, shame, fear, and secrecy. many current ideas about adoption unfortunately, are based on what it used to be.
a woman or girl would choose adoption, not necessarily because she felt it was best for her child or herself, but often as a result of family, social, and/or religious pressure. often she'd be sent away from her friends and family and all the support she'd known, so as to hide her sin. and after carrying this child for 9 months and giving birth to him, they were discouraged to hold or touch or even see the child, thinking this would hurt them more or make them change their minds and keep the baby. she'd have no information about the life or whereabouts of her child. after all this she was to go back to her life and try to forget, to pretend it hadn't happened. and i imagine, everyday she'd wake up wondering where her baby was, if he was being fed and taught and loved adequately, if he was well and happy. this, i believe is where we get the old idea that birthmothers are unstable and if given the chance would steal the baby back. i tell you, had i placed under these circumstances, i WOULD have lost my mind!
now, a birthmother is in total control. she is given the right to do what God has trusted her to do, find the best life for her child. good agencies don't pressure but educate. and there is, as we all know, NO stigma attached to single parenting in our culture now, infact there's often judgment that accompanies the choice of adoption. so you know if anyone chooses it, they are doing it because it's what THEY feel is right. and that's the only way she'll ever have peace about it. she can select from thousands of families which one she feels is right. she can announce to them in what ever way she chooses that God has heard their prayers. she has the opportunity to form a relationship with them throughout the pregnancy, see their home, interact with them as a loved friend or family member. she can place her precious baby directly into the arms of the mother she's giving him. she may enjoy a continued closeness with them including contact ranging from letters and pictures for a time, to fitting comfortably in their home on a regular basis forever, as any other friend or family member, depending upon their personalities, circumstances, and what they together agree works best for them. she knows he's happy and well taken care of. she knows he won't wonder if he was loved, she can tell him that he came from love to love. she is most often loved and adored like never before by people who know her for the best thing she ever did. i've heard countless birthmoms express that upon seeing their child at home, in his family, it was reaffirmed to them that they'd made the right choice. they find comfort in the joy of the family they helped to create. i've heard many say to their own astonishment "i knew that wasn't MY baby".
less than 1 percent of the over a million crisis pregnancies every year results in an adoption. it is not the popular choice and certainly not the easy choice. it is a choice made at her own expense. a greater cost of tears and heart ache than she can prepare for. if she can choose this, she's proven she knows how to pray and follow wisdom, she knows how to put his best interest before her own. we've begun to see these are women who can be trusted.
not only the birthmother but all points of the adoption triad benefit from this evolution toward honesty, openness and compassion.
a child in those days often would discover at 8, 12, 16, or 35... that they were adopted. the information being withheld, i suppose, to protect the child from knowing that he was "unwanted" and "unloved" (that was difficult to even type) by the woman who gave him life. or from being different. so this child now has a major identity crisis. the people he trusted most in the world have withheld extremely significant information about who he is. "what else is a lie?". furthermore if and when he was told, it often came with a sense of shame or inferiority as this was something we whispered about, we spoke of it as a disease, a skeleton in the closet. "i'm so sorry son, you're adopted". so he thinks "there is something wrong with me".
today, an adopted child is taught that being adopted makes him special. he has extra family, extra people who love him. that he was not abandoned but that he has his very own birthmom who loved him more than her life. who loved him so much, she gave him every thing he has. when i met Justin's parents they shared with me that every year they celebrate Jeremy's (Justin's older brother) birthday AND adoption day and tell him of the great love with which he came into the world and into his family.
people use to be afraid of confusion regarding parental roles should the birthmother be involved. we now know that if the adults aren't confused, the child won't be. the parents set the tone. if they are secure enough in their position as his parents to portray it in a positive way, he will adopt their attitudes.
i read a study that said the 2 most common questions adoptees would ask if they could, were-"what does she look like?" and "why did she do it?". these questions are answered now and i believe it has a powerful effect on the child's sense of identity, worth, and belonging.
also blessed by the increase in openness and communication, are the parents. beyond being in their child's best interest, they are blessed to know the woman who gave them this most precious of gifts, to share their love and gratitude with her. i know many women on both sides who say they found a best friend and a sister through adoption.
the old idea was that perhaps they would be threatened or displaced by eachother, that toes would be stepped on. this would be true if they were all trying to be parents but that's not what happens. i would NEVER challenge their role as his parents! Debbie is Justin's mother! the end! i couldn't fill her shoes if i tried! we have such delight in, and adoration for eachother! we were the answer to eachother's prayers. we both know the bitter taste of grief and loss, not being able to have what we long for on our own terms. we both know the joy that comes when we give our lives to Him who's wisdom is beyond our own, and how well He can compensate for our sacrifice. and we share a tremendous love of the same precious boy. i think enlightened adoptive parents figure "anyone who loves our baby this much is welcome". a birthmother has to trust more than she's ever trusted, and most families see fit to trust her back.
i truly believe this evolution has been inspired. i wish so much i had 13 yrs ago what so many have now but i'm SO grateful i had what i did, which wouldn't have been allowed 13 or even 3 yrs earlier.
what's more people to love, but a blessing?

wow....May, it's a doozie

so saturday is birthmothers day, sunday is regular mothers day and Justin's birthday is a week from today. how did he get 13?! i miss those guys. it's been 7 yrs since correspondence was discontinued. i was asked the other day "so what's his birthday like for you?" i said that it's always different so i don't really have an expectation. as the years have passed, there is more and more of ...everything else on this special day and sometimes the day is over and i've been too occupied(though constantly aware) and haven't made the due reflection a priority. truth told, i'm still not sure what to do, HOW to remember. i mean, i remember EVERYday. there's no closed box tucked onto a shelf in the back of closet to take down and open.
i have developed a ritual i'm happy with, i fast that special day. a fast of gratitude to my Father in Heaven and Savior that through my inclusion in that special family, and through the atonement, i was called out of darkness. i take the opportunity to remember my captivity and my deliverance and thank God for the sweet association i share with the Nortons. also, i fast for their family, for their well being and that they'll be in His hands. but at the end of these last few 15th's i feel like i missed something if i haven't made it more. i hesitate to include those around me though i'd like to because it ISN'T to them what it is to me, and i once overheard someone close say that i just wanted attention. I did! is that exploiting something sacred? i hope not but yeah, i did want someone to pay attention to the day with me. and to pay attention to the sweet and bitter emotion that comes with my memories. what IS appropriate? i have had very loving participation from friends and family, earlier on especially. it's been most appreciated.
i know! i'll write. it was always difficult for me to write them when i had the opportunity and harder still knowing they won't read it any time soon but it's good for me and i imagine Justin and his family will be glad to have it some day. i miss those guys. i wish i had news. even if i could just somehow watch the movie of their lives as a distant observer. y'know, i do really well mosta the time but why can't we just have lunch? why can't we tell eachother thank you face to face? why can't i call her to tell her who i'm dating? why can't she tell me his milestones and how proud she is. i've never heard their story. i don't know how they fell in love. i don't know how or when they found they couldn't bear children and what they felt. i don't know how they came to adoption. i don't know how they got their first son Jeremy. i don't know the story about the day they heard Justin was coming home or about the day he did. i know these stories for so many other families. my adoptive AND birth family friends tell me. i've never said these things before. i AM grateful for what i had. it was the minimum i needed to survive. and i know there were so many who placed before me without so much as a letter or picture. my heart breaks for them. i AM so happy for the way things have evolved to include birthmoms in the joy of adoption. i AM happy for my friends. i know i am blessed and my needs are met. i know he has all he needs. i just wanna say happy mothers day to the mother who means most to me, second only to my own. i just want to give the hugs and kisses i've been storing up all these years and receive theirs. i know it'll happen. i'm just ready already! i miss those guys!

My testimony of the atonement

this was a letter i wrote to a struggling friend years ago in which i give my personal account of the work of the atonement in my life, specifically, during my pregnancy.

i don't think we ever really understand the amazing miraculous power of the atonement. i had a MIGHTY change of heart when Justin came. it was so literal and so real to be "born again, a new creature" i no longer carried ANYTHING from my former life, none of the shames and none of the pains. i had new sight, new desires, new attitude, new personality. everything i'd lost PLUS everything i'd never had but should have. Even when i have given back some of those blessings, this is still a different life and a different Tamra than it was before then. my worst day as Tamra is better than my best day as Tammy, that poor girl. it reaches back in time, it retrieves what is so far gone we thought it was irretrievable, it gives us our vision back, it heals our sickest sicknesses, it binds even the heart broken a thousand times, it removes our handicaps! it teaches what we never knew and reminds what we forgot. 100 percent! i was brand new, i WAS a little child. i felt the tenderness of my Father in a way uncommon to this earthly experience. i still know it, i can never deny it, it did all that and more for me. you are not yet wasted. the Lord is offended when we think our sins are greater than his power to forgive and REDEEM. when we "don't understand his mercies". i have at times asked him to remind me of that, when the enemy of my soul whispered to me that i was gone and
the Lord didn't even want me anymore, that i had reached the bounds of the atonement. he has answered me specifically and definitely, thank goodness, even in my unworthiness he called and invited me back. he still wants u too. we've both felt at times in our lives that the Lord wanted us for some good purpose, u think he doesn't anymore? nonsense. its only his work and his glory. he leaves the ninety and nine for us! there is a feast waiting for our return! its so affordable, we just have to be as little children and believe him. and its ok if we don't completely right now as long as we can ask in whatever sincerity we can conjure " help thou my unbelief". i sometimes forget how to be as a little child so i ask my good Father to teach me, and good Father's don't upbraid or withhold when asked for help or good things. we may be tired, but we are not dead. we may be out of shape but we can work out for three minutes today and four tomorrow, and if we press forward and endure, we'll b strong and healthy, get it? we've wasted time, but not all of it. lets get what we want, better yet lets get what He wants, what we never even thought to want.

my you tube video

this is an interview Seth Adam Smith asked me to do. he's very talented and has many inspiring videos on you tube.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KGCxBmoAIAE

interview for itsaboutlove.org

this site has me and several other birthmoms, ranging in openness and time lapsed since placement. all are beautiful, well spoken, powerful women.

https://beta.itsaboutlove.org/ial/ct/eng/site/pregnant/success-stories/

'08 FSA Birth mom panel

the girls who presented with me were rock stars! i mean, seriously impressive people with incredible stories.

http://stream.lds.org/LDSFS/FSA_2008_08_02_FamiliesSupportAdoption__eng_.wmv