tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33737250266690267802024-03-14T01:03:25.099-07:00EACH LIFE THAT TOUCHES OURS FOR GOODThis is a blog about my experiences and thoughts regarding adoption. Adoption is so many different things to so many different people, and is often misunderstood and misrepresented. The more voices and stories out there, the better. Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11584911729689256025noreply@blogger.comBlogger30125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373725026669026780.post-59907632982586435772014-12-24T10:30:00.001-07:002014-12-24T11:14:15.992-07:00THEY adopted ME<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">I placed a baby boy for adoption in May of 1996, at the age of 18. I selected my son's family from paper profiles and met with them in person once, about a week before he was born. An hour and a half was miraculously enough to know with a surety that hey were good people, that they were my son's family, and I loved them instantly. We were not allowed to exchange names or any other identifying information. Very limited correspondence was facilitated by the agency for 5 yrs. I lived from one letter to the next. They were so full of genuine generosity. I was always so surprised at their outpouring of gratitude. I owed THEM the thanks! They knew me for the best thing I'd ever done and they saw me only as good. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">After correspondence was discontinued per agency policy, I began to have nightmares. The setting and circumstance varied but always, our paths would cross and they wouldn't want me. I was a threat or a nuisance. I knew it went against everything I knew of them yet I was haunted.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">When the boy was 15 and a half, after having searched for years, I found contact information. I determined to write his parents. I'd tell them that while I missed them all terribly, my greatest concern was still for what was best for our boy, that as his parents, they knew what that was and that I trusted them. That I wished only to make myself available and be a resource if, when, and to whatever degree they felt best. That while I'd be disappointed if it were a no, I wouldn't be offended, that I was ever loyal to them. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">But my fear paralyzed me. Though I thought of it everyday, I waited over a year to act.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">His dad's reply had me KICKING myself for letting fear drive! He said how good it was to hear from me, gave me a brief update, and asked why didn't I just go head and contact the boy directly? "I'm sure he'd love it". Fear is a thief.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">I was again afraid, but this time only let it take 3 weeks from us. In our first conversation, I felt I was talking to an old friend. he said to me "Thank you for what you did for me. It was such a generous choice"! </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">We kept up with each other pretty well. I wanted so badly to see them in person but didn't want to push. When, out of the blue, I was offered an amazing job in CA an hour and a half away from them, they said that of course I had to come over and even insisted it be on his 18th birthday about a week after moving! This was my dream come true and my prayer answered! So WHY was I terrified?! I prayed for courage and put myself on autopilot. His father opened the door, there was my old friend. I was immediately at ease. The boy came down the stairs and and said hello like it was the most natural thing in the world. We hugged and joked and I totally held it together. Then his dear mother, suffering physical and cognitive affects from a stroke 12 years earlier, made her way around the corner. I. LOST IT. I trembled, uncontrollably, from my head to my feet-shaking- like my legs would give out underneath me. I wept as she held and kissed me just as I always imagined she would. "Debbie, I'm shaking" I said. She pulled back for a moment and said "don't be scared Tamra, you did the right thing." All these years I'd longed to thank her and she had been waiting to comfort and reassure. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">The next time I came to visit, I asked the boy's dad "People keep asking me if y'all feel threatened, insecure, or displaced at all. If ever you do, please let me know, I never want that." He sighed and almost rolled his eyes, "don't you know by now that you are family. You were never far from us. The door is always open, you don't hafta call."</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">On our next visit, much of my family were in town and so we all got together for a picnic. Debbie wasn't able to sit on the ground with the rest of us. I got up and sat next to her. She hugged and kissed me and said "Thank you so much for giving him to me". <br />"Oh Debbie, he was yours". <br />"But he's yours too. We'll share him in heaven". <br />I thought my heart would explode. The words of love and inclusion from those 3 have been the sweetest I've ever heard. They have healed my heart. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">I work in the field of post-adoption search and reunion, I have seen too many stories go so very and tragically differently than ours. While more are positive than not, I have certainly seen many parents who could not embrace their child's birthmom. I imagine that the boy's parents have had some of those same feelings of fear and maybe even jealousy. While they had had his whole life, all of his firsts, things I would never have- he had my biology, something they'd never been able to give a child. They could have been insecure about their imperfections and difficulties and hid from me. But if they have grappled with these things, they've won the struggle, or set it aside enough that there is room for me. <br />I will never know the words, until the other side, to say what their love has been for me. They didn't have to do any of it and nobody would have faulted them. It may have been easier for them to forget me and pretend they were no different than all of the other families. they could have spoken ill of me or not have spoken of me at all. they could have allowed the boy to know me but declined to be included, or to have ignored my petition all together. I THANK GOD AND I THANK THEM to the ends of the universe! If I couldn't give my love to them it would hurt so so very badly. We all grew our hearts for eachother! What's more family but a blessing?! <br />I didn't know if my heart would be whole again in this life. The missing piece is back and more layered on top! I hope that I can give that sort of selfless love and brave inclusion to others in my life. I am the luckiest girl!</span><br />
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Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11584911729689256025noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373725026669026780.post-2900836089258880912014-10-24T15:23:00.002-07:002014-12-08T21:18:37.313-07:00a bit about reunification and such<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial; font-size: x-small;">I placed my Justin with his sweet fam in May of 96. I met them once for an hour and a half. <br />The agency facilitated 5 years of limited correspondence and then we had to say good bye again. I missed them terribly. <br />AND THEN! When he was 15, at Lindsey's house, Jessa used her powers to find them! I laugh-cried! And then for a year and a half, I stalked his fb and thought about the letter i'd write every day. I was scared. I wish I could go back and be brave and faithful instead. <br />AND THEN! Days before he turned 17, we said hello again and talked from 1am til sun-up (irresponsibility is genetic) and then atleast once every couple weeks!</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial; font-size: x-small;"> I was so glad but i was SO SAD! His dear mamma had had a stroke when he was 6 that left her brain quite altered, and he was a pretty unhappy kid. <br />I spent a year processing. I cried alot. I worried so much. I was so confused. I kinda dropped out of the adoption community. For the first time in 18 years I didn't wanna talk about adoption. It was the hardest thing since actually placing. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial; font-size: x-small;">AND THEN! I got a call offering a job in CA an hour and a half from them. We were chums by now and I told em I was gonna be in the neighborhood. AND THEN They invited me to HIS 18th BIRTHDAY!!! And then....my car died on the way. AND THEN! It started again! <br />It was like the first time we'd met, sublime and familiar and exactly as it should be. I hugged his dad, hugged him, holding it together all the whille, AND THEN that precious lady, who's been my sister since before i ever even laid my eyes on her, came hobblin around the corner. and i LOST IT! cry-laughing again! and absolutely trembling from head to toe! My heart took over and spilled out of my eyes and vocal chords and shook my body! I had prayed I'd see her through her conditin, and i felt her! Her same spirit and personality were so evident to me! she kissed me and hugged me just like I'd always imagined! <br />I was able to visit them through the Summer I was in CA. On a visit I asked his dad if he ever felt insecure, displaced, or threatened by all of this. he looked at like -what a dumb question- and said "Tamra, don't you know by now you're family? You were never far from us. You don't hafta call, our door is open"! On our last visit his mamma says "thank you for giving him to me" and I say "oh Debbie, he was yours" and she says "he's yours too, we'll share him in heaven". Her spirit and heart fought past her brain to give me that message she'd stored up all those years! <br />The days preceding the birthday meeting, I prayed SO MUCH and i got a real attitude adjustment! I can barely remember the expectations that haven't been realized and I could care less what anybody else's fairy-tale reunion looked like. I know that the boy is gonna be just fine. I'm seein and countin so many blessings, i feel like a jerk i ever felt sorry for myself! Me and the kid are homies---super tight. That family has adopted ME! My cup absolutely runneth over!!! My happy is back! <br />Bein knocked up sucked. Placing sucked. Closed adoption sucked. Finding them hurting KILLED me! but however deep the waters I wade through, some how it is ALWAYS worth it on the other side! I feel so crappy in the thick of it and then I marvel at God's grace and feel lucky for the whole thing. What an adventure! I just keep lovin this story more and more!</span>Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11584911729689256025noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373725026669026780.post-63395174708254476132014-02-16T23:29:00.001-07:002014-02-16T23:29:32.544-07:00how do i "cope" with the pain? my <a href="http://www.forwardwalking.com/placing-a-child-for-adoption-a-birth-mothers-story-2/">forward walking video</a> was posted by a girl who received this response <span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 12.799999237060547px;">"It's unfortunate that she does not share her reality of how she has coped or is coping over the years. You can see the tears in her eyes, the pain in her heart, and hear it in her voice. There is so much below the surface...and that's what really needs to be voiced. That's my opinion on what I see in this video." </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 12.799999237060547px;">and asked </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 12.799999237060547px;">"I was wondering if you have done a video or any blog posts about your coping or if you think this description is accurate? Thanks!"<br />here is my response: </span><span style="background-color: white;"><span data-reactid=".36.1:3:1:$comment10151842384627396_10151848988302396:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:2" style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 12.799999237060547px;"> </span><span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".36.1:3:1:$comment10151842384627396_10151848988302396:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body" style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 12.799999237060547px;"><span class="UFICommentBody" data-reactid=".36.1:3:1:$comment10151842384627396_10151848988302396:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body.0"><span data-reactid=".36.1:3:1:$comment10151842384627396_10151848988302396:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body.0.0"><span data-reactid=".36.1:3:1:$comment10151842384627396_10151848988302396:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body.0.0.$end:0:$0:0">y'know...it's interesting, i was seein a guy who had the same impression recently, the "sad" was what stood out to him. it surprised me, i had to watch it again myself to look for what he'd seen. it is in there, to be sure, and it's in me. there was a </span></span><span data-reactid=".36.1:3:1:$comment10151842384627396_10151848988302396:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body.0.3"><span data-reactid=".36.1:3:1:$comment10151842384627396_10151848988302396:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body.0.3.0"><span data-reactid=".36.1:3:1:$comment10151842384627396_10151848988302396:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body.0.3.0.$end:0:$0:0">time when a couple years passed where i hadn't felt it in an acutely painful way and in my presentations or writings i would say "i'm not sad anymore, it doesn't hurt anymore" and then the night before my son turned 14, i felt the hole in me as fresh and raw as if it had been yesterday. and to be honest, the timing of this question is interesting me, not only because it's the 2nd comment of this nature i've encountered in just a few weeks, but as recently as Friday night, some loss landed on me out of nowhere and weighed heavy. i was sittin around a fire with about 20 people and the 3 directly across from me were mamas cuddlin sons in their laps from toddlers to about 8 years old. as guitars were played and songs were sung and under a full moon sky, i couldn't keep it in. i wept as inconspicuously as i could for like a half hour. </span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".36.1:3:1:$comment10151842384627396_10151848988302396:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body" style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 12.799999237060547px;"><span class="UFICommentBody" data-reactid=".36.1:3:1:$comment10151842384627396_10151848988302396:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body.0"><span data-reactid=".36.1:3:1:$comment10151842384627396_10151848988302396:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body.0.3"><span data-reactid=".36.1:3:1:$comment10151842384627396_10151848988302396:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body.0.3.0" style="background-color: white;"><span data-reactid=".36.1:3:1:$comment10151842384627396_10151848988302396:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body.0.3.0.$end:0:$2:0">i think there are a few things that make me ok. one is that i've learned to surrender to the pain, to give it the space it needs and to honor it, even to see the beauty in it and be grateful for it, but the other part is that i hold tightly to the peace that came when i decided to place him for adoption, when i found and met his parents, when i met him and got to know him, when i signed the relinquishment forms and said goodbye, when i went home with empty arms, when the agency discontinued correspondence, when reunification brought the discovery that trauma and tragedy had been a part of his formative years, and at every point between. for the sake of my own well being i have trained my mind to count every blessing and acknowledge every tender mercy, to build my faith and confidence on every confirmation, the which have come to me too many times to recount and in so many varied ways. i pay attention to the pain, but it's in paying attention to the sweetness and the blessings that the loss becomes meaningful and even beautiful. there's purpose in my pain. i accept it as a part of the package, an essential part even. the taste of the bitter has made the contrast of sweetness all the sweeter. every time i've been stretched to a new extent for anguish, my ability to feel joy also extends. Neil Maxwell said "the cavity which suffering carves into our souls will one day also be the receptacle of joy". i believe this because it has happened to me. because my sacrifice was good and right, it has been, to my continual surprise, compensated for. the video is sad but it IS happy. i am sad but I AM happy! happier than i'd had the capacity to be until my range of emotion was expanded by grief. i would be a fool to reject the rose for the thorns attached.</span><br data-reactid=".36.1:3:1:$comment10151842384627396_10151848988302396:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body.0.3.0.$end:0:$3:0" /><span data-reactid=".36.1:3:1:$comment10151842384627396_10151848988302396:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body.0.3.0.$end:0:$4:0">i think another key to my coming to and maintaining my peace, my healing, and my processing is that i have made my suffering even more valuable by using it to serve and help others, there is SO MUCH sweetness in that! exhilaration even. i just see my path as blessed in spite of and even because of the burdens built in. </span><br data-reactid=".36.1:3:1:$comment10151842384627396_10151848988302396:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body.0.3.0.$end:0:$5:0" /><span data-reactid=".36.1:3:1:$comment10151842384627396_10151848988302396:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body.0.3.0.$end:0:$6:0">placing a child for adoption is miraculous and beautiful but it is also trauma. i haven't found the way around the pain, i hope i never give the impression that there is a way around it. in the filming i did address some of what that "coping" and healing has been for me and i wish there'd been time enough to include it, the commenter was right, it is much needed. i hope this addresses it in a satisfactory way. time and patience are a big part as well i'm afraid. the sucky parts come inevitably, my aim is just to try to endure them well and with perspective, anticipating the parts that make it worth it.</span></span></span></span></span>Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11584911729689256025noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373725026669026780.post-39117101216836289142013-11-25T11:23:00.000-07:002013-11-25T11:31:17.226-07:00in response to a friend expressing trepidation about the difficulties of adoptingAdoption can definitely be slow, expensive, and heart breaking in varying degrees depending on the route (international, state/foster, or domestic infant), and other individual circumstances.<br />
the question is -what is your motivation? what is it that you want and how much do you want it? is it about/for you? or is the paramount agenda is to provide a family for a child/children? what i've learned on MY adoption path is very much applicable to those on the receiving end; it isn't about me. i can put the well being of another above my own. i can do hard things and i'm better for it. when you are on the Lord's errand (the commandment to care for the orphan and fatherless) He does not leave us hangin, He qualifies and magnifies us, covers our inadequacies and makes us equal to the task, He provides the resources for our success, He compensates for our hurts and losses, He teaches and refines us through them.<br />
" Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God....And if it so be that you should labor all your days.... and bring, save it be one soul unto me, how great shall be your joy with him..." "And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me." "When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in?....Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me." these children are our brothers and sisters and we are charged to be our brother's keeper and "the Lord giveth no commandment save he shall prepare a way". "never take counsel from your fears".<br />
i was lucky, i didn't have the option to have the bitter cup that i was served pass from me. i would have missed the sweetest deserts. whatever we put on the alter the Lord remembers and He somehow makes us grateful for what we never thought we could be. we look back and realize that even inspite of the suffering and the cost, we were blessed and wouldn't have it any other way. "whosoever will lose his life shall find it".<br />
being a parent at all, even a sister, aunt, etc can be expensive and heartbreaking. mortality is expensive, slow, and heartbreaking. but it is also full of joy, love, help, learning, etc. "blessed are they that mourn", "for if they never should have bitter they could not know the sweet". i love convenience and ease but i know it's a waste of mortality if we hang out there too long. we have to remember eternal perspective in these things. the end result is worth any cost. to wait yrs, to be disappointed along the way, and to spend our earthly money... it's nothing to providing the covenant, a family, the gospel, hope, and a future to one of our brothers or sisters in addition to the advantage to us to expand our family.<br />
but honestly in many cases, it is a fairy-tale and a joy filled riot. whatever it is, it's good for us. "all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.", "be not a weary in b well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great", "let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance... for his arm to be revealed.<br /><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #333333; font-family: lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 15.454545021057129px; white-space: pre-wrap;">international typically takes the longest and costs the most which is such a shame and largely the result of greed and corruption. i think it is also the most needed. there are an estimated 153 million orphans worldwide. when they age out at 15, as far too many do, the incidences of suicide, prostitution, and criminal behavior are terrifying. depending on the country and institution where they are housed, most are subjected to some degree of abuse or atleast neglect. obviously children adopted internationally often have challenges as a result.
state/foster adoption is the cheapest route. the state generally covers all costs and often will even continue some support after finalization. circumstances vary so widely in this type of adoption in regard to age, wait time, and any issues the child may have. there are now and always in every state children available for foster-adoption. obviously the young ones go fast and the old ones wait. thousands are in group hoes or institutions because no home is available. each year, over 27,000 kids “age out” of foster care, the majority of which will face homelessness, unemployment, criminal activity, substance abuse, and government dependence. having been removed from their first homes due to abuse, neglect, or abandonment and 55% experiencing 3 or more placements previous to being adopted, these children may have varying degrees of issues.
most couples who have limited or no ability to conceive (the numbers continue to climb) pursue domestic infant adoption as their main motivation may be a parent </span></span></span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 15.454545021057129px; white-space: pre-wrap;">(which is also a </span></span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 15.453125px; white-space: pre-wrap;">righteous</span></span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 15.454545021057129px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> desire)</span></span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 15.454545021057129px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> and not necessarily to rescue a child</span></span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 15.454545021057129px; white-space: pre-wrap;">. 11% of women in the US have impaired or no ability to conceive yet less than 1% of unwed pregnancies result in an adoption. this is why the wait. i've seen couples selected within a couple months of approval and i've seen some wait 11 yrs. this is on top of the time and grief most go through previously in fertility treatments. cost varies between 15,000-30,000 depending on whether you go agency or private and what agency or lawyer you chose. children adopted within the first 6 months of life, barring any abuse or neglect do as well as their peers in every area and do better than children of single parents. particularly now that 95% of adoptions are open in some form and adoptive parents are so well screened and prepared. one increasing difficulty with this route is adoption scammers who pretend to be pregnant or really are but play several families. also even with a legitimate birthmom, there's no guarantee that once selected and before relinquishment she won't change her mind. there is vulnerability and uncertainty to be sure.</span></span>Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11584911729689256025noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373725026669026780.post-44778673516242191312013-11-14T13:26:00.000-07:002013-11-14T20:49:04.957-07:00partnershipwhen i carried and delivered Debbie's son, i did for her what she couldn't do for herself.<br />
when Debbie gave to him all of her preparation, the sealing covenant, and a good father, she gave him what i couldn't.<br />
now, i find that a stroke has taken her personality and much of her mental function.<br />
she can't tell him how amazing and good and handsome he is. she can't counsel and comfort him. <br />
i'm once again heart broken and scared to death. because once again it's my turn.<br />
i am always here for her boy. i ask the Lord to hear my pleas for him on her behalf as well.<br />
i hope when we reach the other side, she is as pleased with what i did with my part as i am with what she has done with hers.<br />
i am intimidated. i know i can never fill her shoes and i would never try. he is hers forever. but i will love him for her as she loved him for me.Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11584911729689256025noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373725026669026780.post-19372160591014159522013-01-03T01:13:00.001-07:002013-01-08T21:39:51.101-07:00THIS JUST IN!So! for those of you who have been following the reunification/reinstating of correspondence effort, here's what happened today.<br />
....actually no. here's the back story, so skip ahead if you feel you are...abreast. <br />
let's take it back to 2009, in AZ....<br />
actually first let's go just briefly to 1996 in GA. I am placing my son for adoption and i am informed that current policy states that the agency will facilitate limited correspondence for only 5 years and that no identifying information will be released by them to either party (thank God for progress!).<br />
fast forward 5 yrs, i break my heart and say goodbye again. fast forward one year, i receive a letter when J turns 6. i think "wow! i wonder how they swung this! maybe cuz i'm my caseworkers favorite. maybe no one checked the placement date. what a gift! what a tender mercy!", but i thought it was a fluke. I attempted no further correspondence, doubting we'd be so lucky twice and just feeling grateful to have heard from them one more time.<br />
NOW let's go to AZ, J is 13. it's been 7 years since i've heard from them and 8 since they'd heard from me. oh, just a minute, one more tiny flashback-<br />
so about a year or 2 after our last communication, i had a nightmare. and then again and again at varying intervals for about 4 years. the circumstances were always different but one way or another, our paths would cross and one way or another i would discover that they didn't want me. and i would wake up with a wounded heart and cry and pray for reassurance. one of those kinds of dreams that makes your heart so heavy and it stays with you all day. then in like 05, i had a miraculous little tender mercy after a particularly bad one and the dream never came back. maybe i'll tell that story later<br />
ok. SO! AZ, 09- i'm workin for a branch of the agency which handled the adoption. i discover to my absolute HORROR that the agency's 5 year cap policy had actually been lifted the year BEFORE i placed. I had been misinformed. somebody had missed the memo and it had cost me 8 years of knowing ANYTHING. 8 years of hearing how joyful and lucky they were to be a family and 8 years since i'd read their words of love, admiration, and gratitude or written them mine. 8 years of questions i could have asked and answered. it frustrates me still if i dwell on the thought. BUT! after i excused myself to go call my mom and cry to her like a child and send dirty looks heavenward in total confusion, the silver lining in the tragedy started to take hold. i'd lost 8 years but i'd just gained 5 more than i'd expected to have! i could now resume correspondence! right?! you really would think...<br />
i contact the GA office and explain what happened (which some people might have turned into a lawsuit) and ask them to pass on a letter from me. "oh, we don't have any forwarding information for them at this point." well you surely could find it! a heck of alot easier than i could! ...i thought. "yeah, we'll call ya if we come across anything..........................".<br />
fast forward 2 years and a few more fruitless phone calls to GA. i'm at a thing at the Redferns' (aka, The R House [yeah, i'm name droppin]). my home girl Jessalyn Speight (i did it again) uses her hacker genius skills, the little info i had, about 2 hours, and likely some divine intervention to find an address! a phone number! and facebook pages! so now, <i>I </i>have forwarding information! now i can write them! right?!<br />
well, here was the plan, i would write his parents. i would state that i trust them now as i trusted them then. that i want what's best for <i>him</i>, just as i did in the beginning and that <i>they</i> were the ones who knew what that would be. that i had no desire EVER to step on their toes but only to support them no matter what! but that i wanted to make myself available, to empower them. i had info for them they had none for me but it was their call so i wanted to even the playing field. so this was what i would write. and a year and a half later, i finally did.<br />
how could i procrastinate a thing like this?! when Jessa found the information, i was so, SO beyond stoked! i laugh/cried so hard! you'd think i'd write as soon as i got home! but think, we've had total silence between us for a decade now. i can only guess at their circumstances, thoughts, and feelings. and i have SO MUCH i want to say but i need every word to be perfect because if i say something wrong, it may be the only chance i get. everything i know of them confirms that they are the most gracious folks and that they love me dearly but in the void of current evidence, my mind had entertained years of doubts and fears. the last thing i ever wanted to do was disrupt, offend, or impose. as i tried to make myself write, i imagined every possible scenario, some good, some heart breaking. i've seen some of the latter. i have a few girlfriends who have been ignored, mistrusted, and viewed as a nuisance by the people she'd trusted most in the world. and i could never imagine how i could possibly process that if it happened to me. i felt guilty to even entertain thoughts that they could do such a thing, but in spite of myself, i sometimes did. and honestly folx, i'm not where i'd hoped to be when i gave them my update. no degree, no career, no house, no husband, no children. i wanted more to show and i didn't want them to be disappointed.<br />
let me take a side note here. around this time, i'd just had SIX
adopted students at my wilderness therapy job within like the 2 months previous.
i'd asked for and heard their perspectives about everything about being
adopted! and most of them, most of them were hurting for want of
connection and/or answers that their birthmoms could've given in some form or another. and the
couple of girls who HAD the contact were so blessed for it. AND after i leave The
R House, i get in my car, and to my confusion and astonishment, a heavy
sadness comes over me. i think it was a new realization, after seeing
his teenage face, of all that i had missed and couldn't recover. but
also, and maybe i was projecting onto him what 15 felt like for me, but i
believe i was having some sense of him struggling, that perhaps <i>he</i> was sad, at any rate adolescents is the roughest part for alot of us. so put all of this together and with prayer, I decided i was being prompted and prepared. that perhaps there was something i could do. but despite all of this, i took counsel from my fears.<br />
until July 2012, when i felt a new urgency that caused my concern for them to outweigh the risk for me. i hoped that God knew me well enough to prompt me a year and a half early, that i hadn't missed some window or opportunity to be useful. it took me 3 weeks to write, reread, revise, and repeat. i had my English major mom, sister, and best friend review it as well as adoptive parents and adoption professionals from my diverse and useful social circle.<br />
and then, i sent it. i sent it to his dad's fb. and then i waited. and nothin came. after about a month and a half i'd resolved that they'd made their decision and now i had to put my money where my mouth is. i'd said they knew what was best for him and that was what i wanted, even over what i wanted. i'd said i trusted them, and now i'd have to. i was disappointed. even a little hurt, but not offended. at no time did i feel wronged or fault them for their choice. i'd spent a year and a half preparing myself for any outcome and i'd made myself promise to be at peace with whatever one came about before i'd let myself send the letter. to tell it right, i was sustained really. i'd felt it was right to write, i'd felt at peace when i finally sent it, and now, it was given to me to accept what was.<br />
fast forward 3 and a half months. my friend Audra informs me that any FB message which has been seen will have a check mark in the lower left corner. "see if there's a check mark! i bet he never got it, or they'd have written back!". wouldn't you know...no check mark. i hadn't gotten the shaft! perhaps i was being tested. i passed! haha! a few days later i discover the "other" box on the fb mail page where the message no doubt has been hiding.<br />
so, new plan-contact GA one more time and ask if they would be willing to use the forwarding information <i>I'd </i>acquired and pass along my petition for me. it seemed better to me than to cold-contact them. i mean, this was how it was set up, this was what we were used to. i just felt perhaps it would be less....shocking in an envelope with their letterhead. fast forward 2 months, i finally make the call. i state my case, make my request and i'm told once again she'll get back with me...... and then today...SHE DID! and she says, "i discussed it with my director and he said just to run it by the couple and see what they say, so i spoke to D (the mama)", "WHAT?! you spoke to her?! when i've spoken to y'all before over the last 3 and a half years i've always been told you have no way to contact them!". "well i didn't go through the official avenues which would have been complicated and time consuming, i just used the information you gave me and looked them up on my own". "so what did she say?!". "i just told her you'd been misinformed about correspondence policy and would like to resume if they were open to it and she said (check this out) 'absolutely'". ABSOLUTELY! that is my new favorite word! i've been sayin it in my mind all day! i told the dear lady thank you so much for being concerned enough to make the effort and follow up! i told her what a burden, one i'd carried for 10 years, had just been lifted! what anxiety had just been alleviated and the nagging doubts that just had to shut their faces! she said ABSOLUTELY, y'all!!!! why did i ever doubt them?! as soon as i was alone in my car i found myself at a stop light clapping and laughing and crying and praying out loud "thankyouthankyouthankyou!"! i've brought this whole business up to God frequently, but this morning, i pleaded. God is good. i know this. again and again.<br />
now the frustrating bit is that the information I gave her, with which she was able to contact them, was no more than the info i'd offered when i spoke to them 3 and a half years ago. why could no one have made that small effort for us then? but whatev! it is what it is and if it wasn't God's all knowing orchestration, it'll all be compensated for anyway. all is well. all of the disappointments, all of the waiting, all of the wondering makes today even sweeter! and faith precedes the miracle, once again in my life. <br />
so NOW the daunting task of writing a NEW letter! the other one was more just asking if i <i>could</i> write a letter. now i know they want to hear from me, i'ma write a novel! i'm intimidated and overwhelmed again but i'm SO excited and i'm SO grateful! and SO long winded!<br />
i love y'all who've followed up with me on all of this and been invested with me. so many of y'all who have rooted for me and prayed this for me! y'all who've been disappointed with me and excited with me! i love y'all!<br />
stay tuned! it's gettin good! AHHHH! i can't wait to hear back!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH! hahaha!Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11584911729689256025noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373725026669026780.post-30318149020918772952012-08-12T10:34:00.001-07:002012-08-12T10:34:30.501-07:00Adoption Good Newsi'm being featured on the R house's weekly Adoption Good News!<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.therhouse.com/adoption-good-news-tamra/">http://www.therhouse.com/adoption-good-news-tamra/</a><img src="http://i292.photobucket.com/albums/mm38/leishakelsey/The%20R%20House/buttons-03.png" style="-webkit-user-select: none;" />Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11584911729689256025noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373725026669026780.post-42220351503204659602012-06-14T16:57:00.002-07:002012-06-26T11:14:30.272-07:00my keynote address for the Central Region Families Supporting Adoption Conference in Denver<b id="internal-source-marker_0.41684191138483584" style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">i love these types of events! i love being a part of this community! a community of individuals who have been or hope to be a part of the miracle. we represent all angles of the triad; adoptive parents, adoptive hopefuls, birth families, prospective birth parents, likely a few of you have been adopted, and then we have our adoption professionals who WE adopt into OUR elite and privileged club. lucky them. some of the finest people in my association and some of my best friends are people i’ve found in this work.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">when i placed for adoption, there was no community, or if there was, i had no knowledge of or access to it. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">i was honored but surprised to have been asked to do this. i was beginning to think i was becoming obsolete as the stories you will have will look very different than mine.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">in these 16 yrs since I placed, the face of adoption has been beautified and come out of obscurity but that was a ball that had started rolling even years earlier, first very gradually and with much resistance and then in my opinion, very rapidly, particularly if you consider that for generations and generations, adoption had been done in the same way. there were always exceptions but the rule was that adoption was an institution of shame, mystery, misconception, and secrecy. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">many of the women who placed in those days did so not because of a conviction that it was right for them or their child but as a result of social, religious, or family pressure, as a way to conceal the unwed pregnancy as the stigma was far greater then. these women would have little peace in their choice as it had not truly been theirs. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">birthparents had no representation, no voice, no face. they were mysterious even to themselves as they were encouraged to practice denial and shroud the most defining experience of their lives. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">they would begin each day with the burden to carry alone of a secret and a broken heart and a thousand nagging unanswered questions as to the whereabouts and well being of their offspring. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">often having never said hello, never said goodbye. the child they carried had no face, no name, and in many cases not even a gender. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">the assumption on the receiving end, where there was a total absence of a true story, was often that the child was abandoned, unwanted, and unloved by whatever creature could be so heartless. often, the parents were encouraged to conceal the tragic truth so as to protect the child from the knowledge that they were..... (adopted). this had an incalculable detrimental affect on many adopted children. when at age 8, 18, or 80 they discover the true beginning of their own story, they would feel confused, betrayed, and ashamed. the people they’d trusted most in the world had withheld from them information about their very identity. who they were was a skeleton in the closet, something to hide, not to be spoken of. it must be an awful shame. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">or if they had known, perhaps it was whispered about, spoken of like a disease or a handicap. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The mind tends to fixate on the mysterious or the forbidden. to many adopted children with no actual birthparent representation, she became a fantasy or a villain, as needed. she is sometimes the favorite scapegoat or the reason for all their problems. or perhaps she would be pegged into the catch-all stereotype of the knocked up 15 yr old who’s surely now living in squalor or died of an overdose. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In my observation, it is very difficult for adopted children to not identify themselves to some degree by their impression of their birthmom so as you can imagine, this would be less than awesome for ones self esteem. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Or conversely she would be the favorable alternative to the adolescent mind’s perceived oppression. “if i were with her, SHE’d understand me!”. i attended an adult adoptee panel where a woman expressed that as a child, she was convinced that Whitney Houston was her birthmom..... she was white. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">For adoptive parents, there was most often a total lack of preparation, no counseling or education-”just pretend it’s ‘normal’. you’ll figure it out”. insecurities and grief related to infertility were not addressed and did not disappear automatically with the placement of a child. many went into adoption hoping to overcompensate for or cover up their “problem”. “now we can be normal”. but adoption isn’t normal, it’s unusual, it’s different. it’s wonderful, but it’s not normal. any effort to make it so invites a culture of denial which transfers to a child who feels like plan B. it can be awesome without being normal. sometimes i secretly wonder if it's not better than normal and some studies would suggest that it is.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">they often could not embrace and celebrate adoption if they had not had the opportunity to grieve and bury their plan A, often carrying the feeling that their non-biological family was somehow second rate. these parents would likely not be prepared to have a birthparent in their circle, even if she were made available. they might feel threatened by, in competition with, or resentful of her. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> And they were subject to drawing the same conclusions about this entity, this figment, this birthmom who almost existed in a different realm if at all. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">boy.... that was a downer. i do not mean to say that adoptions done in these less enlightened times were not often replete with miracles as well, because i personally know of many that were.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">BUT! rejoice! for we are the beneficiaries of evolution! a trail has been blazed by those who sensed something was not quite right in the established way. adoptees who could not have access even to their own medical history. adoptive parents who came to realize more resources were necessary to do their best, and birthparents who FINALLY removed the scarlet letter and broke the silence. as well as professionals who saw the ethical flaws in their practices. we owe these pioneers our recognition and gratitude and our continued efforts toward progress in these matters.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">adopted children now know they have a larger than usual support system, they have extras. they know that they came FROM love TO love. adoption is one of the things that makes them special, not 2nd class. they can talk about it openly and have their questions answered. they are allowed to love and be loved by she who put her heart on the altar in exchange for the life the child COULD have. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">i know many birthparents and adoptive parents who have found a dear friend, even a sister through their open adoption. THEIR support systems are expanded! as Lindsey Redfern, who some of you may know as the dynamic Mrs R, has said of her sons’ birth families “THEY have adopted US! we’ve adopted each other!”. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">furthermore, there is so much counsel and information available to the preparing adoptive parent. i’ve seen many a mind set on closed adoption become a changed heart at their first birthparent panel, or their first meeting with a prospective birthparent. these women cease to be an inaccurate stereotype and become humanized. i’ve seen many an adoptive father particularly, once opposed to “sharing” become the biggest cheerleader of a birthmom who’s association is felt an enhancement to their family or social circle. they no longer fear or judge, they have her her back. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">birthparents have a forum and an audience to tell the stories that so need telling. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">they have mentor birthmoms further on the path who they can see have survived and even thrived post placement, who can pass on their lists of “wish i woulda’s and wish i wouldn’ta”s. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">we, as birthparents, receive even greater confirmation and peace to our hearts as we see with our own eyes the fruits of our sacrifice. i’ve seen those who placed in the dark ages of adoption trapped in a stagnant grief held just below the surface, and i’ve seen birthmothers of today have their aches so tempered by their joys. it’s always bittersweet but i’ve observed that the bitter to sweet ratio is directly proportional to the degree of openness.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">it is indeed a great time to be a part of this community.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">growing up LDS in the bible belt, if ever i happened upon another mormon, it was so exciting, instant rapport, like we were cousins or something. that’s how i feel anytime i make a new adoption association! </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">to give an example, i was at the baby shower of a friend and saw a clearly white woman with a clearly asian baby. of course i struck up a conversation and asked all of the right questions and discovered she had 2 LDSFS and 2 internationally adopted children, i then revealed myself as a birthmom. this brand new acquaintance grabbed me somewhat forcefully into her arms and told me through her tears “i don’t have contact with any of my childrens’ birthmoms, let me hug on you for a minute” to which i replied “i have no contact with my son’s mom, let me hug you back!”. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">we have in common an experience that is uncommon. our mothers and our sisters and our friends can empathize and rejoice for us but i never feel i can find the words to adequately convey. but when i talk to another birthmom or adoptive parent, there is an understanding. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">our experiences parallel in so many ways after all. as birthparents and as adoptive parents we know loss, worry, sacrifice, being misunderstood, and letting go of our plan A. we also know compensation, an increase in capacity to love, answered prayers, and gratitude. we both know the sacred privilege it is to be a parent as for some of us it was had and lost and for some it was not easily come by.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">we need eachother! for women like myself who want their child to have the world but don’t have it to give, for those who pray for children but can’t conceive, and for children born into less than ideal situations, adoption is, as Isaiah says, “</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">beauty</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> for ashes, the oil of </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">joy</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness”.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Troy Dunn, calls it prayer trading. Adoptive hopefuls pray for family, birth parents pray for the best life for their child, and through eachother the Lord answers their prayers. the beginning of both paths are troubled, a crisis pregnancy/infertility, but in hindsight we may ALL call ourselves blessed and we thank God for his wisdom and even our tribulation. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">i believe in the power of sacrifice AND the principle of compensation and i believe it applies to all of us. Joseph Wirthlin, in his talk “come what may and love it” says “The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">gratitude</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">.” to that i say AMEN! </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">the sentiment is echoed in Matthew 19 29 says “And every one that hath </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">forsaken</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> name</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">’s sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">everlasting</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> life.” (hudredfold joke; that’s alotta babies!)</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">when i made my choice, i knew that adoption would mean that Justin wins, he would have a wonderful family with 2 parents who had the stability, experience, maturity, and preparation he would need. i knew that his parents would win, they would receive this precious, perfect child they’d prayed for. but i believed i would be the loser in adoption, even a victim of it. but that was a deal i was prepared to strike. i fully anticipated being pretty broken from that point but it didn’t matter, if Justin wins, i win. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">but i have happily found that i was very wrong. i’ve had part in the sweet as well as the bitter! i was TRANSFORMED in this experience! MY life as well as Justin’s BEGAN with this experience! i believe he was theirs before he was mine but that he came to them through me because nothing short of maternal love and responsibility would’ve shaken me awake. i found healing! the changes i made for my Justin would benefit me for the rest of my life! there was a miraculous degree of deliverance! from the confusion and pain and resentment of having grown up in abuse as well as from many of the effects of my own foolishness. </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Joel 2:25 And I will </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">restore</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> to you the years that the locust hath eaten</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">my God is so kind and so concerned for me that he sent me a most precious little missionary. the few months i spent carryin around my favorite little parasite, for me, were the most significant of my life. those were my deciding months. those were the months i spent dying and being born again. my heart being broken and then made whole. this was the time of my conversion. those 9 months changed the course of my life more drastically than anything else has. i learned more in those months than i had in all the years that preceded them. i began to see truth and light where my view had been dark and distorted. i began to be me. i remember walking by the mirror in the upstairs bathroom and literally doing a double take. i saw a new countenance and i had pleasure in my reflection for the first time. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">through adoption and through my son i learned love. the moment i laid my eyes on him for the first time, i felt my heart grow in my chest! i’d thought i’d known what love was, love meant i like being around them, i miss them when they are gone, i get something from the association, they’re nice to me. but this was so different in purpose and proportion. i’d have cut off my right arm for him! i’d step infront of a bus for him! i knew that i would do anything for him, anything. and i realized i’d never REALLY known love before that moment. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">in placing a child with a couple who could not give eachother children i did for them what they could not do for themselves and in turn the Savior has done for me what i could not do for myself. He has said “whosoever will lose his life shall find it". the Lord has always remembered my sacrifice, and he has comforted and taught and carried and preserved me.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">now this doesn’t mean i was spared from any and all hardship, not at all.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">the adoption path is blessed and beautiful and miraculous, but it is also hard! and painful! but even this is part of the gift.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">the night before Justin’s 14th birthday, i laid in bed remembering. something i’d done many times before but something different started to happen in my heart. i’m often emotional when i think or speak of the experience but it’s generally gratitude and sweetness that evoke my tears but this night they wouldn’t stop comin and it felt...different. it’d been years since it had...hurt really. probably like 6 or so. I’d always say “it doesn’t hurt anymore. I’m not sad anymore.” So I sat arguing with my heart that this emotion must be something other than pain. til finally i had to surrender, It hurt. it felt like a fresh wound again. i found myself holding my stomach like i used to do, feeling the empty space like he’d just been there. But there’s a beauty in this kind of pain. There HAS been healing, My pain has faded and settled into its proper place and proportion but I think I’d been wrong. I think now that perhaps it never goes away all together. and That’s ok. My burdens have been made light enough to bear and even laying grieving in my bed that night, as it was 14 years before, the bitter is tempered with a compensatory sweet. there is peace in it and gratitude is the overarching emotion. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">pain makes up many of the strokes in my beautiful picture. James Gritter, Author of The Spirit of Open Adoption (if you haven’t read it, write that down) says “I would not give you a nickel for joy this side of pain, but I believe the joy on the other side of pain is a priceless blessing. To get to the genuine joy of adoption, we have to pay our dues.”</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Wirthlin also talks about the power of humor in the hard times. i think some have been surprised and maybe even offended by my levity at times. when i disclose to people for the first time, they often get very heavy and honestly, kind of uncomfortable. that’s when i like to say “yep, i got knocked up”, or when i tell folx he’s 16 i like to say “yeah, i was 11 when i had him” so as not to disclose the well kept secret of my age. i have a dear friend who in their year end letter to all of their friends and family would always include some uncomfortably personal, yet hilarious commentary of their fertility treatments and/or efforts....if you know what i mean. i can’t share the details here but see me after if you wanna know. ha!</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">i want to borrow again from Joseph worthlin. he also speaks to the importance of patience and perspective in the hard parts; “Learning to endure times of disappointment, suffering, and sorrow is part of our on-the-job training. These experiences, while often difficult to bear at the time, are precisely the kinds of experiences that stretch our understanding, build our character, and increase our compassion for others.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Because </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Jesus Christ</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> suffered greatly, He understands our suffering. He understands our grief. We experience hard things so that we too may have increased compassion and understanding for others.” </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">i know a birthmom who has been the shoulder to cry on for her child’s adoptive mom who still just wishes she could feel life growing inside her. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">i know many adoptive parents who haven’t turned away in the face of the loss that bore their gain. they have followed the admonition of Christ as they’ve mourned with her as she’s mourned, they have lifted her hands that hang down, they have felt her burden with her. and their joy is not diminished but the fuller for it. they know the price paid for it. and they can share their joy with her. and the witness they can offer their child can be invaluable. an adoptive father shared a story with me; he was showing off their second child they’d just been placed with. a friend, looking at this cute little bundle said “she just didn’t want him huh? how could anyone not want him?” to which my friends impassioned reply was “you weren’t there. you didn’t see the anguish in her face, you didn’t hear the gut wrenching sobs”. if his child ever wonders if he’s precious, his parents have this account as one more evidence that he is. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">the day i met Justin’s parents, i became aware of a silver lining. yes, i was losing a child and yes, that was very sad, but here were these 2 incredible deserving people, with whom i was immediately in love, who had waited and wondered and prayed and cried and finally, they would have what they’d dreamed. i was SO excited for them that for a moment, i forgot my own loss. i wanted to see pictures of their bliss! i wanted to see them all enjoying eachother! a portion of all of their happiness was mine! </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">and likewise adoptive families can not only watch and celebrate, but be a part of their birthmoms success! i’ve seen adoptive parents be such a tremendous force for good in the lives of their child’s birthparents. for some birthparents, it will be a first opportunity to be a part of a unit that functions.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">and we can all do that for eachother (talk about adoption community in Mesa;totally integrated). i was allowed 5 short yrs of limited correspondence and in that time i’m afraid i might have said some pretty insensitive things. i had no understanding of so many of the dynamics of their journey and their feelings until i began to meet other adoptive parents through my volunteering.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">there is SO MUCH NEED for our efforts in this work. i can say for myself, that EVERYTHING i thought i knew about adoption initially, was wrong. and i know alot of you have also had some pretty powerful misconceptions before someone shared their story with you. (yeah? who of you had some notions you are now a little embarrassed of? huh? huh?) </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">we encounter the unenlightened everyday, don’t we? people who will inadvertently say the most offensive things to us about adoption. i have to remind myself to cut them some slack because i once was ATLEAST as ignorant. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">right out of the gate, i thought you only place for adoption if you “have to”, if there was no other possible way. only if you would absolutely be the worst of parents, and that didn’t apply to me. i thought that if i placed for adoption my son would feel abandoned and hate me. and that i would be evading responsibility. that adoptive parents might not be able to love him as much as i could</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">and i was difficult to educate as many of us are. these misguided attitudes, if not corrected, would have prevented me from making the best choice. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">i’ve encountered many who have expressed regret saying- if they’d only known, if they’d only had accurate information- that they would have chosen differently. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">one of my friend’s mothers confided in me that she wished she had done for her daughter what i’d done for my son. but she didn’t know. nobody told her. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">i’ve had 2 girls after having had abortions express to me after hearing my story that they wished they’d heard it before they made their choice. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">this is why i never miss a chance to educate, grocery store line, whatever, cuz you never know the need or the impact it could have. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">our stories are powerful testimonies. people started calling me an advocate and i’m goin -all i’m doin is tellin my story. it’s not even hard, it’s like my favorite story.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">i knew a girl who’d become pregnant as result of a rape. she didn’t want to select a family. she didn’t want to see the child. she wanted no information about or contact with the adoptive family. her caseworker twisted her arm to attend group just once. she bolted immediately after but came back to ask for my discretion as i worked at the school she attended. it is not common for me to ask a stranger for a ride and my home was easily within walking distance, but for whatever reason, i did ask. we sat in my driveway just shy of 3 hrs and i told her the miraculous blessings that had come to me and Justin’s family. her expression changed, her heart softened. she said “it hadn’t occurred to me that there was any joy to be had in this”. she now enjoys such a sweet relationship with her beautiful daughter’s family.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">i worked for an amazing wilderness therapy program in AZ called the Anasazi Foundation for a few yrs. in that time, i believe i only shared my adoption story 4 times. from each of those there was a girl who would later become pregnant. 2 of them placed for adoption and the 2 who did not could atleast have the peace of having made a more informed decision, having had more information. one of the girls who placed told me that immediately her mind took her back to that night around the fire and she remembered how her heart felt. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">i’ve been tracked down by a girl who reported that, had i not come to her HS and told my story, she’d have never set foot in an agency 2 yrs later when she found herself pregnant. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">there's a video on youtube in which i share some of my thoughts and experiences with adoption. there are comments below relating how that video had been instrumental in the choice they made.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">there was a couple back home who were hoping to adopt. the wife was open to open adoption but the husband would say “why do i hafta share? will they be my children or won’t they? i don’t want some girl lookin over my shoulder, monitoring my parenting. etc”. his clever wife invited me over for family night to tell my story. fast forward a yr or so and he’s askin me “how can we hear more from our birthmom, we want to know how she is, did we do something wrong?!” </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">i was asked by my bishop to speak about adoption in sacrament mtg. 3 weeks later i sat by a woman i’d never seen before in Relief Society. the girl teaching the lesson mentioned my adoption talk. immediately after RS the woman turned to me and asked if i was the girl who’d spoken on adoption 3 weeks previous. she was visiting her sister who was in my congregation. her parents had been visiting the Sunday i spoke. she gratefully told me “i’m an adoptive mother. my folks have never really understood the legitimacy of adoption and particularly not open adoption. you taught them more in 10 minutes than i’ve been able to in 10 yrs. thank you.” for them, it was only the story, told first hand, from the perspective of a birthmother that would change their heart. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">my mother’s had opportunity to share her experience with those who’s children are in crisis pregnancy. she can give them a heads up about the attitudes and approaches that worked, and those she regrets.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">the stories of both birthparents post-placement and those adoptive parents who’ve already been placed with are SO helpful to those who are considering placing and those hoping to adopt.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">ok, i’m tootin my own horn a bit with these stories but they illustrate the tremendous impact we can have on others. and honestly, these experiences are so gratifying! </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">"it’s by small and simple means that great things are brought to pass."</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">i know it can be really daunting to expose ourselves sometimes. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">people WILL judge a birthmom. though in my mind my adoption story has NOTHING to do with sin, that’s the first place alot of minds will go. neither bringing a child into the world nor placing a child for adoption are transgressions, on the contrary, it is the holiest thing i’ve ever been a part of . i have no shame attached to this story, it is about what i did right, not what i did wrong, that part is gone from me. but some will try to pick up something ugly and stick it to me.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">as adoptive parents your journey through infertility really is nobody's business, except that for all you know, the person you’re talking to may’ve just received the diagnosis. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">these stories are our pearls and yes, if we give people access, some of them will not understand and some will say hurtful things, i used to get angry or hurt, now, i get on my soap box. it’s teachin time! </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">my "coming out of the closet" was a gradual process. i remember 3 months out, i moved west and thought “ok, i’ll leave that behind me, nobody here needs to know”. well first of all I needed the telling! this is something you HAVE to talk about but also, again, people needed me, they needed my story. so for a few yrs i would talk about it in group or even to rooms full of strangers but many of my friends didn’t know. i was never ashamed but i did fear judgement and being misunderstood. though i’d been VERY active in advocacy, speaking, writing, whatever, it was actually not until i did some more high profile things that i was like “well, here goes, i’m goin public”. i stopped skirting it in conversation, i posted stuff on my fb, and now, to be honest....sometimes i steer the conversation in that direction. it was interesting to find, as is so often the case, that what we feared is actually not even that scary once we face it, especially when you think of what can be gained. i’ve experienced more reactions of compassion and admiration than those of misunderstanding and meanness (though there have been those as well)</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">i say, wear your adoption t-shirts, sport those bumper stickers, answer frankly in the grocery store line when asked where your baby gets that hair from. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">we are under-represented and misrepresented in the media, all we got is Juno and 16 and pregnant, we have alot of work to do. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">we can change someones mind even in our tone. i don’t whisper shame-facedly “yeah, um, i placed a baby for adoption”. i show people from the beginning of the conversation that i am blessed by my choice and that i don’t regret it. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">i’m well versed in the stats and studies, i practically have prepared statements in response to some of the most common misconceptions should they come up. (only after years of being over emotional and fumbling over my words of course) </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">i became an adoption advocate before i’d ever even heard the term. i’d just been blessed in biblical proportion and i was like “cool! thanx! that was awesome!” and for a couple yrs people would, through the most random means, cross my path and they’d have some perspective or insight or comfort to give me and i was like “wow, that’s so nice!”. but then...another sorta folx started gettin put in my path, folx who <i>I</i> could support, whose burdens <i>I</i> was equipped to share, who needed <i>MY</i> story. it became apparent to me that my having been blessed so much came with a responsibility. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“For unto whomsoever </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">mu</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">ch is </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">given</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, of him shall be much </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">required</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">” (Luke 12:48- not spiderman like i’d thought) </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">or as the hymn says “because i have been given much i too must give”. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">it may be hard sometimes but hello...we are adoption people...we’re not scareda hard!</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">i was speaking at a conference once and i was addressing adoptive hopefuls in regard to open adoption, I made the point in regard to the concern that open adoption can be hard, that placing a child for adoption, the very thing that would make adoption possible for them... is also <i>kinda</i> hard. I made the point that I’d learned I was capable of doing very hard things and encouraged them not to be….chickens. then, I sat down and the next presenter came in and talked about foster adoption. As I sat there, in my mind, I could hear my own hypocritical voice saying “wow, people who adopt from foster care are amazing but I could never do that. That would be way ‘too hard’”. I changed my mind. If I’m able to be married, I will be more than open to doing foster or international adoption.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Open adoption CAN be hard. You wanna know why? Cuz it’s a human relationship! Having siblings is hard! Shoot, having neighbors can be hard. Does this mean we eliminate these relationships? of course not. We apply the same principles to an open adoption relationship that we apply to relationships with any human being. Patience, empathy, <u>reasonable</u> boundaries, and above all communication. As in any relationship, an open adoption where there is entitlement, pride, envy, competition, and lack of consideration on either side, will fail. we don’t hit a bump and go “well, we tried open. it doesn’t work for us”.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So, open adoption, it might be hard.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Going through infertility and the adoption process, hard!</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Foster/international/or special needs adoption can be even harder.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Placing a child for adoption….HARD!</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But what are we in it for? An easy time? No, we are ALL in it for the best interest of the child. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">We don’t place babies, as birthmoms, so that <i>WE</i> can have fun and time and money, or to have greater ease in education, employment, and social life. Adoptive parents don’t adopt to fill <i>THEIR</i> need. We don’t do open adoptions JUST cuz we like eachother. These are all happy bi-products but they are not reason enough on their own. We do these hard things because our children need it. And I have found that we are qualified and made equal to the task. Our resources are miraculously expanded and our losses are miraculously made up, our heartaches are abundantly compensated for.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">one of my main initial resistances to adoption was fear of my own weakness. i thought “right or wrong...i can’t, it’s too hard”. i was shown that “the Lord giveth no commandment save he shall prepare a way”. if He brings you to it, He’ll bring you through it. i didn’t have the strength OR the wisdom, but He did. HE sustained me and through him, i did the impossible, i defied my own heart and very instinct.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">i gotta give a quick shout out for OPEN ADOPTION</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> when my cousin was reuniting with her birthmom, my uncle was pretty uncomfortable with it. he said “she’s ours. i don’t want to share her”. i replied “you share her with all of us and there’s no less of her to go around!”. let’s not be greedy! Love is an unlimited, renewable resource. we are ALL family anyway. Justin wasn't mine, he isn't theirs, and I am not my own. adoptive parents AND birthparents must always recognize that they are merely stewards over one of God’s children. If we esteem every man as a brother and we are our brother's keeper, we are ready for open adoption. but i imagine i’m preachin to the choir here.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">i want to tell you briefly and in closing what my son’s adoptive family has been to me and what you have the opportunity to be for YOUR birthparents.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> They are an extension of my family in a way I cannot explain. i have total confidence in them and in my decision. i NEVER worry about him. i wasn’t choosing a family, i was finding the family that God had chosen. the biology that Justin and I share is real and significant, it’s a connection that should not be denied, but it is nothing to the mantle, stewardship, and intuition his parents have. biology does not have to exist for complete and genuine family love to. blood is thicker than water but family is something thicker still. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">it was a matter of good, better, best. i would have been good. they were better. i would have been enough. he has the best.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">i imagine it this way; before we came here to this mortal/earth experience, God says “Tamra, you’ll have a tough assignment, you’ll go to parents who are sad and confused, your little soul’s gonna get hurt, you’re gonna stumble, you’re gonna get lost. but don’t worry Tamra, your sister Debbie (A-mom) and your Brothers Gale (A-dad) and Justin (our boy) have volunteered for the rescue effort. Debbie and Gale will wait and pray and cry and wonder and they will share their Justin with you. he will come as your missionary on his way home, and though you won’t love <i>yourself</i> enough to get well, you’ll love <i>him</i> enough. and you’ll remember Me, and </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> will heal you”. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Matthew 18:5 And whoso shall receive one such little child in my </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">name</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> receiveth me.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> on this side, it looks like MY gift, MY sacrifice, but when we return i imagine we will see more clearly that it was <i>them</i> who gave to me, <i>their</i> sacrifice. THEY shared him with ME! how can i say my gratitude?!</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">i figure adoption is the work of eternal families and the work of reclaiming lost and wounded souls. what could be higher on the priority list of The Most High? there are no coincidences in adoption. it sure ain’t random and it certainly wasn’t MY genius that orchestrated it all, i can’t even keep my ROOM in order! God is all up in this business. it’s His business! and He’s good at it!</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">do not be short-sighted and misunderstand. right now you may be drinking from the bitter cup or carrying your cross but those of us on this side of the tribulation know that we are the lucky ones. so my message today is- fear not, and look forward with hope for the time when inspite of all tears shed, you may with your new and cherished associations call yourselves blessed.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 13px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 13px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></b>Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11584911729689256025noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373725026669026780.post-25914217580205241562011-05-28T22:47:00.004-07:002011-05-30T08:52:02.267-07:00talk i wrote for church<div style="background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap; font-size: 15px;">B</span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;">ishop came over the other day and asked if i’d like to talk in sacrament mtg. i was all “oh...”, then he said “about adoption" and i was like “ok!” some of you will already know my passion for this topic. adoption is the cause i am most anxiously engaged in. i’ve been speaking to all sorts of audiences about adoption for the last 13 yrs or so, however, never before in a sacrament mtg, in fact, i've never heard it addressed in sacrament meeting. i’m praying the material i share is appropriate, uplifting, and relevant to y’all.</span></span></span></div><div style="background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: transparent;"></span></span><br /><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">in a Jan 08 ensign article entitled “why Adoption”, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">Fred Riley, then commissioner of LDS Family Services, said that adoption is a profound gospel principle. He points out that when the prophet Elijah restored the sealing keys, these keys encompassed adoption. And one of the ways in which Jesus Christ is our Father is through adoption, for we become His sons and His daughters when we are adopted into the family of Christ.</span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: transparent;"></span></span><br /><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">Additionally, Church members who are not direct descendants of Israel may be adopted into the house of Israel through their faith. From the time of Adam, adoption has been a priesthood ordinance,” says Brother Riley. “It’s a principle of the gospel that probably all of us will experience at some point as we’re literally adopted into our Heavenly Father’s kingdom.</span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: transparent;"></span></span><br /><p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; text-align: justify; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">D&C 84 </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(47, 57, 58); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">34 says in regard to covenant keepers “They become the </span><a href="http://lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/84.34?lang=eng#"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(72, 111, 174); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">sons</span></a><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(47, 57, 58); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "> of Moses and of Aaron and the </span><a href="http://lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/84.34?lang=eng#"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(72, 111, 174); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">seed</span></a><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(47, 57, 58); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "> of</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "> </span><a href="http://lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/84.34?lang=eng#"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(72, 111, 174); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">Abraham</span></a><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(47, 57, 58); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">,” </span></p><p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; text-align: justify; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(47, 57, 58); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">in Abraham 2 </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(72, 111, 174); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "> </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(47, 57, 58); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">10 the Lord promises Abraham, “And I will bless them through thy name; for as many as receive this Gospel shall be called after thy name, and shall be accounted thy </span><a href="http://lds.org/scriptures/pgp/abr/2.10?lang=eng#"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(72, 111, 174); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">seed</span></a><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(47, 57, 58); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">, and shall rise up and bless thee, as their</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "> </span><a href="http://lds.org/scriptures/pgp/abr/2.10?lang=eng#"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(72, 111, 174); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">father</span></a><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(47, 57, 58); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">;”</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span></p><p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; text-align: justify; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">Mosiah 5 </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(72, 111, 174); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "> </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(47, 57, 58); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">7 says “And now, because of the covenant which ye have made ye shall be called the children of Christ, his sons, and his daughters; for behold, this day he hath spiritually begotten you; therefore, ye are born of him and have become his sons and his daughters.</span></p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(47, 57, 58); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: transparent;"></span></span><br /><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(47, 57, 58); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">we are all adopted children, if we play our cards right. and it is in no way second rate, we are of the covenant Abrahamic family as though we were born into it, likewise, when a child is sealed to their parents, they are parent and child, eternally and inseparably. never ask an adoptive parent if they hope to have one of “their own”, they already do. biology does not have to exist for complete and genuine family love to. if we have eternal perspective, we remember that we are ALL family anyway and that we are charged to be our brothers keeper. </span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(47, 57, 58); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: transparent;"></span></span><br /><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(47, 57, 58); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">15 yrs ago i sent the flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone home with his eternal family. the biology we share is real and significant, it’s a connection that should not be denied, but it is nothing to the keys and stewardship his parents have over him. blood is thicker than water but the sealing covenant is thicker still. through the holy ghost and the tender mercy of the Lord, i was lead to his parents and it was revealed to me that he was theirs before he was mine. i did not share him with them, they shared him with me. i believe he came to them through me because nothing short of maternal love and responsibility would’ve shaken me awake. my Father is so kind and so concerned for me that he sent me a most precious little missionary. on his way home, from God’s arms to his parents', i was privileged to hold him in mine.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(47, 57, 58); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">through adoption and through my son i learned love. the moment i my eyes laid on him for the first time, i knew that i would do anything for him, anything. i’d never felt that kind of love before. some think that in order to make such a choice, my maternal affections and connection must have been to some degree deficient but what they don’t understand is that it is BECAUSE i loved him that much that i was able to break my own heart, had i loved him an ounce less, i couldn’t’ve done it. whatever the choice, it is the best interest of the child that should be the paramount consideration, even if it means we hurt. </span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(47, 57, 58); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: transparent;"></span></span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(47, 57, 58); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: transparent;"></span></span><br /><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">i know that there are surely those in the congregation who have been faced with this difficult and heart wrenching decision, or have loved ones who have, and have gone another way. please perceive no judgement. i wish only to present the doctrines of adoption and my own experience with it. i sincerely hope none will be offended. </span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: transparent;"></span></span><br /><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">we all know what the proc to the fam says “Children are entitled to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.” but i find that it is little known among members what the church's stance on adoption is or that there even is one. in Oct of 04 the first Pres releases this statement </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">“We express our support of unwed parents who place their children for adoption in stable homes with a mother and a father. We also express our support of the married mothers and fathers who adopt these children. Having a secure, nurturing, and consistent relationship with both a father and a mother is essential to a child’s well-being. When choosing adoption, unwed parents grant their children this most important blessing. Adoption is an unselfish, loving decision that blesses the child, birth parents, and adoptive parents in this life and throughout the eternities. We commend all those who strengthen children and families by promoting adoption.” and again in June of 2002 “</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">When a man and woman conceive a child out of wedlock, when the probability of a successful (and the statistics for success in such situations are bleak) marriage is unlikely due to age or other circumstances, unwed parents should be counseled to place the child for adoption through LDS Family Services to ensure that the baby will be sealed to temple-worthy parents. Birth parents who do not marry should not be counseled to keep the infant as a condition of repentance or out of a sense of obligation to care for one's own. Unwed parents are not able to provide the blessings of the sealing covenant. Unmarried parents should give prayerful consideration to the best interests of the child and the blessings that can come to an infant who is sealed to a mother and father.</span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: transparent;"></span></span><br /><p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; text-align: justify; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">i worked with a young lady from a culture within which placing for adoption is uncommon and often stigmatized. one of the case workers inquired of her mother how they came to their decision in spite of this opposition. the grandmother to be shared “our extended family are angry and don’t understand our choice. i love my family. i love my culture, but we follow the prophet”.</span></p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: transparent;"></span></span><br /><p style="text-align: justify; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></span></p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: transparent;"></span></span><br /><p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; text-align: justify; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "> it is the inclination of people, particularly young people, to see ourselves as the exception, to study and statistics, even to a prophets council. when adoption was first suggested to me i was tremendously offended. i thought that was for “those people”, the extremely young, the extremely poor, the drug addicted. not the bishop’s daughter. i see now that adoption is not only for those who would be bad parents, but it is a matter of good, better, best. i would have been good. they were better. i would have been enough. he has the best.</span></p><p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; text-align: justify; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "><br /></span></p><p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; text-align: justify; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">some, as addressed in the first presidency's statement, will encourage a mother to parent so as to teach her responsibility, “you made your bed, you lie in it”. but a child is innocent and made no mistake. they should not pay the price of someone else’s. choosing adoption is CERTAINLY not evading consequence, and a child is NOT an object lesson.</span></p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: transparent;"></span></span><br /><p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; text-align: justify; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">my other great obstacle to the idea was fear of my own weakness. i thought “i can’t, it’s too hard”. i was shown that the Lord giveth NO commandment save he shall prepare a way. i didn’t have the strength OR the wisdom, but He did. HE sustained me and through him, i did the impossible, i defied my own heart and very instinct. </span></p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: transparent;"></span></span><br /><p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; text-align: justify; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">we can do hard things and the Lord compensates. Matthew 19 </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(72, 111, 174); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "> </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(47, 57, 58); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">29 says And every one that hath </span><a href="http://lds.org/scriptures/nt/matt/19.21?lang=eng#"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(72, 111, 174); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">forsaken</span></a><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(47, 57, 58); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "> houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "> </span><a href="http://lds.org/scriptures/nt/matt/19.21?lang=eng#"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(72, 111, 174); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">name</span></a><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(47, 57, 58); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">’s sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "> </span><a href="http://lds.org/scriptures/nt/matt/19.21?lang=eng#"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(72, 111, 174); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">everlasting</span></a><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(47, 57, 58); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "> life.</span></p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(47, 57, 58); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: transparent;"></span></span><br /><p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; text-align: justify; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(47, 57, 58); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">the Lord has always remembered my sacrifice, and he has comforted and taught and carried and preserved me. He has said “whosoever will loose his life for my sake shall find it". </span></p><p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; text-align: justify; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(47, 57, 58); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">The Lord asks us what we will consecrate to him, what we will put on the alter and sometimes he requires us to put our money where our mouth is, so to speak. </span></p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(47, 57, 58); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: transparent;"></span></span><br /><p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; text-align: justify; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(47, 57, 58); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">Abraham knew the meaning of “thy will be done” as he placed his long awaited and only son on the sacrificial alter. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(55, 55, 55); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">Moses’ mama understood “thy will be done” as she put that little baby in the basket on the river. Hannah prayed the Lord to remove her infertility and was finally blessed with a son and then gave her Samuel back to the Lord.</span></p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(55, 55, 55); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: transparent;"></span></span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: transparent;"></span></span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: transparent;"></span></span><br /><p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; text-align: justify; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">every yr in the US there are over a million unwed pregnancies, the largest percentage of these are aborted, the next largest group are single parented, a smaller number will marry, and less than 1% are placed for adoption.</span></p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: transparent;"></span></span><br /><p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; text-align: justify; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">now juxtapose that with this information 6% men 12% women of child bearing age have impaired or no ability to conceive, another study shows 1 in 6 couples struggle with infertility. at my work, we have 3 drawers holding our adoptive applicant files, we are currently counseling about 6 women who are even considering adoption.</span></p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: transparent;"></span></span><br /><p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; text-align: justify; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">i’d like to look at adoption from another angle for a moment. the scriptures are full of Jesus charging us to be our brothers keeper, and specifically to care for the fatherless. this counsel was repeatedly stressed to us in the last conference. in Matthew 18:5 the Lord says “and whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me.” </span></p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: transparent;"></span></span><br /><p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; text-align: justify; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">Joseph and Emma adopted 2 children and after Joseph’s martyrdom, sweet Emma adopted the child of her 2nd husband’s mistress.</span></p><p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; text-align: justify; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">Joseph adopted Jesus, Jesus adopts us and he said “</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(47, 57, 58); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not”. </span></p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(47, 57, 58); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: transparent;"></span></span><br /><p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; text-align: justify; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(47, 57, 58); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">as i said, as far as domestic infant adoptions like mine, there are not enough children available even for the demand. however, there a millions of fatherless growing up in institutions internationally, and if that is outside of your financial possibilities, the state covers costs for foster-adoptions, for which there is also great need. we have so much, perhaps as a family some of you might ask the Lord if he would trust one of these precious spirits to your care. foster and international adoptions can be challenging but again, we should not fear hard things. He qualifies us and expands our resources, and abundantly compensates our losses and heartaches. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span></p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: transparent;"></span></span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: transparent;"></span></span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: transparent;"></span></span><br /><p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; text-align: justify; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">for women like myself who want their child to have the world but don’t have it to give, for those who pray for children but can’t conceive, and for children born into less than ideal situations, adoption is, as Isaiah says, “</span><a href="http://lds.org/scriptures/ot/isa/61.1?lang=eng#"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(72, 111, 174); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">beauty</span></a><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(47, 57, 58); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "> for ashes, the oil of </span><a href="http://lds.org/scriptures/ot/isa/61.1?lang=eng#"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(72, 111, 174); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">joy</span></a><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(47, 57, 58); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "> for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness”.</span></p><p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; text-align: justify; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(47, 57, 58); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">Troy Dunn, a prominent member of the church calls it prayer trading. Adoptive hopefulls pray for family, birth parents pray for the best life for their child, and through eachother the Lord answers their prayers and calms their troubled hearts.</span></p><p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; text-align: justify; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(47, 57, 58); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">the beginning of both paths are troubled, a crisis pregnancy, infertility, but in hindsight we call ourselves blessed and we thank God for his wisdom and our tribulation.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span></p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: transparent;"></span></span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: transparent;"></span></span><br /><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">perhaps some will be surprised at my bold confession, but please understand, neither bringing a child into the world nor placing a child for adoption are transgressions, on the contrary, it is the holiest thing i’ve ever been a part of . i have no shame attached to this story, it is about what i did right, not what i did wrong, that part is gone from me. The atonement of Jesus Christ is miraculous and comprehensive</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Tahoma; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">. my repentance culminated at the birth of my son. i was baffled like Enos when he said “Lord, how is it done? i couldn’t believe how literal and real it was to be "born again, a new creature". the burdens of having been raised in abuse as well as the burdens of my own poor choices were so lightened. shame and pain alleviated . i had new sight, new desires, new attitude, new character. what was lost was restored and then some. my worst day in the last 15 yrs is better than my best day in my first 18. Christ’s atonement reaches back in time, it retrieves what is so far gone we thought irretrievable, it gives us our vision back, it heals our sickest sicknesses, it binds even the heart broken a thousand times, it removes our handicaps! it teaches what we never knew and reminds of what we forgot. i was brand new, i WAS a little child. i felt the tenderness of my Father in a way uncommon to this earthly experience. i still know it, i can never deny it, He did all that and more for me. the Lord is offended when we think our sins are greater than his power to forgive and REDEEM. when we "don't understand his mercies". when the enemy of our soul whispers that we are too far gone, that the Lord doesn’t even want us anymore, that we have reached the bounds of the atonement. he assures us specifically and definitely. even in my unworthiness he called and invited me back. he still wanted me. its his work and his glory after all. he will leave the ninety and nine for us! and there is a feast waiting for our return! its so affordable, we just have to be as little children and believe him. and its ok if we don't believe completely right now as long as we can ask in whatever sincerity we can conjure " help thou my unbelief". i had forgotten how to be as a little child so i asked my good Father to teach me, and good Father's don't upbraid or withhold when asked for help or good things. </span><br /><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Tahoma; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">in placing a child with a couple who could not give eachother children i did for them what they could not do for themselves and in turn the Savior has done for me what i could not do for myself. </span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: transparent;"></span></span><br /><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "> this is my testimony and my conversion, and it is so intermingled with my adoption story. i’m blessed to have it and i’m grateful to share it with y’all and i do so in His name......</span></div>Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11584911729689256025noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373725026669026780.post-59837219182182374992011-04-05T16:51:00.000-07:002011-04-05T16:52:51.648-07:00a paper my baby brother wrote on open adoption<div style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; "><span id="internal-source-marker_0.899564407998696" style="font-size: 24pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">Domestic Infant Adoption</span><br /><hr /><span style="font-size: 24pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><span style="font-size: 18pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">Let’s Be Open About It</span><br /><hr /><span style="font-size: 18pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><span style="font-size: 14pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">Jesse Hyde</span><br /><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">April 1 2011</span><br /><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><br /><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><br /><span style="font-size: 24pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">Domestic Infant Adoption</span><br /><hr /><span style="font-size: 24pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><span style="font-size: 18pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">Let’s Be Open About It</span><br /><p style="text-align: right; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "></p><hr /><span style="font-size: 18pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">Brother Brugger</span><p></p><p style="text-align: right; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">FDENG 201</span></p><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">April 1 2011</span><br /><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><br /><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><br /><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><br /><span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">Source: Adoption U.S.A. (2009). Washington, D.C.</span><img src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/jWQVrVSO9uikqBUUR-c8VzZxnKfoyqog6rKYyJr4QbtH_Kxfdfjb-k0AtwF8x7cyWbA4KioVi7eKSNa45xDqZYVFyDLXzcPDhiGhfV_xZyXlDGV26vU" width="589px;" height="568px;" /><br /><span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><br /><span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><br /><p style="text-indent: 36pt; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">After participating in a series of emails and phone conversations with my sister, I am a changed man. My sister Tamra, who gave up her son for adoption fifteen years ago, has recently been presented with an unexpected inner struggle. Five years after her son Justin was born, all correspondence (regulated by the adoption agency) with his family was dropped as the agency policies stated. Years later, Tamra discovered that she had been misinformed and the policy had been changed a year before the adoption took place. Though she had been grateful for the first few years that she could celebrate with the adoptive family, she became distraught. She felt as though an important relationship had been stolen from her. </span></p><p style="text-indent: 36pt; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">So what is Tamra’s struggle? She didn’t know where to go from there. After years of searching and practically giving up she recently found the family’s information with the help of friends. All of the sudden she could see pictures of her son as well as the person he is becoming. I have to admit, I was kind of afraid for her and Justin.</span></p><p style="text-indent: 36pt; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">Previous to the research I have done, I thought that open adoptions were dangerous. I thought of all the things that could go wrong with such a relationship. However, I was the one who was wrong. That is great and exciting news for her. However, because the adoption did not begin open, Tamra now faces fear, worry, and a difficult decision. She is still building the courage to contact the family. It could be exactly what Justin needs at this time. He can have questions answered and have love reassured. “But I don’t know,” Tamra said, “I’m a stranger to him and it might very well be disruptive.” Now, if he doesn’t respond positively, she has something to lose. “Now I am incredibly vulnerable and EVERYTHING is mystery.” She feels that if the adoption had been open from the start, there would be nothing to fear (Tamra Hyde, Personal Communication, March 30, 2011). </span></p><p style="text-indent: 36pt; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">Adoption is a blessing no matter which way you go about it. Though closed adoptions have worked for many people and are not necessarily bad, the choice is merely one between good, better, and best. To my surprise, after these discussions with Tamra, I am confident that open adoption is generally the best choice for all people involved.</span></p><span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">Source: Adoption U.S.A. (2009). Washington, D.C.</span><br /><p style="text-indent: 36pt; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">To be clear and specific, only domestic infant adoption –the adoption of a child from within the United States at the time of their birth– will be addressed. Within this category there are essentially two types of adoption: open and closed. An open adoption involves “the sharing of information and/or contact between the adoptive and biological parents of an adopted child” (Adoption Media, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">What is</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">). There can be many different ways to handle open adoptions. It can be strictly confidential or fully disclosed. In a closed adoption, “the adopting parents and the placing parents never meet and know nothing or very little about one another” (Adoption Media, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">Closed</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">). </span></p><p style="text-indent: 36pt; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">Historically, the birthmother did not choose to which family the child might go. The agency would select who they thought was best and they would set and regulate the terms by which they could connect. Unbelievably, Tamra’s adoption in 1996 (in which she did chose the family) was as open as it got. Today, open adoption has fully expanded and has blessed many more families and individuals. </span></p><p style="text-indent: 36pt; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">Open adoption has become so popular in part because many birthmothers demand it. Whereas closed adoption is debatably thought of as a good solution for the child and adoptive family, it has proven to be a huge struggle for the birthparents. As adoptive families are educated and exposed to open adoptions, they begin to realize the blessings as well. At first, adoptive parents can tend to fear the idea of open adoption and sometimes even the birthmother. During what Tamra labels the “dark ages” of adoption, adoptive families were taught to fear birthmothers. The adoptive parents were made out to look like heroes that rescued the poor child from a “faceless villain who gets what they deserve” (Hyde, 2011).</span></p><p style="text-indent: 36pt; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">Tamra has become a voice for adoption through her dedicated involvement with LDS Family Services and other organizations. Her countless interactions with other birthmothers, adoptive families and adoptees coupled with her dedicated and constant study of adoptive matters, she has become an expert on the subject. She feels that education and, most importantly, exposure will change the misconceptions of the adoptive family and change their hearts. Tamra admits that she too was nervous when she saw her first fully open adoption unfold back in 2002. However she has fully accepted it as she has seen it work time after time. As adoptive parents have opened themselves to interact with the birthmother, she becomes “humanized” to them. “They see that they are conscientious, brave, and selfless women . . . not drug addicted, selfish, psychologically unstable women who couldn't be bothered to raise a child.” Though some fear that a relationship with the birthmother would threaten their role as parents, there is no need to fear. She has already proven her unselfishness. She has already proven that she wants what is best for the child. Tamra proclaims, “Show me a birthmom and I want to be friends with her” (Hyde, 2011). Any adoptive family would be wise to do the same.</span></p><p style="text-indent: 36pt; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">The negative view one may have of the birthmother does not affect just her, but it affects the child. No child wants to hear that they were unwanted, unloved, and abandoned or that their relationship to their family is second rate. Can a well-educated and prepared adoptive family overcome these struggles without an open adoption? Yes and no. Education can only go so far. Here, psychiatrists state struggles that closed adoption cannot fully compensate for:</span></p><p style="margin-left: 36pt; text-align: justify; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">Many adoptees have felt the "disquieting loneliness" that </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">Roots</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "> author Haley described. Not knowing their heritage or why they were placed for adoption left many with devastating feelings of rejection . . . "Adoptees can feel frustrated at their inability to connect with their roots," says Marshall Schecter, a psychiatrist at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine. "Some have trouble forming an identity when they reach adolescence. Others may develop fantasies—both positive and negative—about their birth family. Some adoptees spend a lifetime never finding answers to their questions…" According to adoption scholar David Brodzinsky of Rutgers University, "For adoptees, part of them is hurt at having once been relinquished… That part remains vulnerable for the rest of their lives as they grieve at various predictable points for the unknown parents who gave them away." (Hochman & Huston, 1994)</span></p><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><br /><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">In an open situation, the child will not feel abandoned or lonely but will feel a sense of belonging. They will feel special and loved because the birthmother is available to show it and tell it to them personally. Karen Dunkley, an adoptive mom said, “We are extremely open with our adoption and it has made Natalie comfortable with the situation. If she has questions we answer them. Sometimes she has asked her birth mother questions” (Karen Dunkley, personal communication, March 30, 2011).</span><br /><p style="text-indent: 36pt; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">A new child should be something that is celebrated (if not more than usual) no matter how they entered that family. They should know they are special because they have a birthmother that loves them just as much as their adoptive mother. Karen continues, “I believe that a birth mother when giving up a child for adoption is showing great love and unselfishness. I believe she deserves to have a place in that child’s life… I want [my child] to know that she was loved not given away” (Dunkley, 2011). </span></p><p style="text-indent: 36pt; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">Another reason why someone might want a closed adoption is because it would help the birthmother “get over” it. Again, this is only partly true. Tamra explains:</span></p><p style="margin-left: 36pt; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">I have progressed. I've had healing. My priorities and focuses have evolved. Where, in the beginning, I thought of little else, my world is now full of other interests and pursuits. While this isn't my whole identity, it's still a big chunk. And that's ok. It’s awesome in fact. I will think about Justin and his family everyday of my life. And it brings me joy, not pain. For nine months we shared our food, water, blood, and oxygen! He is flesh of my own flesh! Bone of my bone! I will NEVER be "over it". And I don't wanna [sic] be. I will never put them away in a box in the closet. This story is my FAVORITE story! About my favorite people! It will bless me all my days! (Hyde, 2009)</span></p><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">For Tamra and many birthmothers like her, there is no reason or desire to “get over it.” This experience is positively life-altering for them. People might not think about what birthmothers have gone through. When speaking of adoption, the most popular phrase seems to be, “Do what’s best for the child.” Open adoption shows that it is possible that the best can be done for the child, adoptive family, and the birthmother. Some forget that these birthmothers are just as human as the child. Even if open adoption was merely only </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">as good as</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "> closed adoption, to choose closed would only be to deny the birthmother’s opportunity for a richer life.</span><br /><p style="text-indent: 36pt; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">One caution that is given often by people involved on any side of adoption is that each case must be individualized according to specific circumstances. There are so many options with open adoption that each person is bound to find something that will work best for everyone. Sure, there are few but very legitimate reasons to keep an adoption closed, but those should only be the exception. </span></p><p style="text-indent: 36pt; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">The greatest source of peace, comfort, and direction for Tamra and many others she has worked with is God. Through His direction, she has found the right family to place her child with and she feels that her finding Justin again is a work of God. She also told a story of a seven-year-old boy praying to hear from his birthmother who refused to have any contact. Without her knowing why, she suddenly felt it was time to reconnect with her son. His prayer was answered. From a religious perspective Tamra stated, “Love is an unlimited, renewable resource. There is enough to go around and we are ALL family anyway. Justin wasn't mine, he isn't theirs, and I am not my own. If we esteem every man as a brother and we are our brother's keeper, we are ready for open adoption” (Hyde, 2011). Looking at it this way, a parent must always recognize that they are merely stewards over one of God’s children. All feelings of entitlement must be gone to have a functional adoption.</span></p><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre; "> </span>Furthermore, each adoption must be considered on a case-by-case basis. This applies to anyone whether they are religious or not. Each child, by nature, is a different individual with different needs. The myth that adopted children will resent or reject their adoptive parents if they know their birthparents is a false and highly misrepresented argument. That argument really has more to do with personality and how one is raised than it has to do with the difference between open, closed, adopted, or biological. </span><br /><p style="text-indent: 36pt; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">There are still reasonable boundaries that must be set for an open adoption to work the best it can. Open adoptions will and do fail where there is pride, resentment, and lack of consideration and communication. Any relationships would struggle under those circumstances. Communication and humility flow freely through open adoptions done correctly. Birthmothers do not become some odd, strange, second-mom thing; they become another extended family member who loves the child as any family member does. </span></p><p style="text-indent: 36pt; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">It always seemed normal to Danny Bueller, a 24-year-old student in Vancouver. "I have more people in my life who love me than most people do. I don’t see how that can be a bad thing," Danny said. His adoptive mom and birthmother are best friends. Though that isn’t the norm and “less than 10 percent of families in open adoption become friends, or even meet in person frequently . . . they don’t need to, to forge a connection that will bring lasting benefits to the child” (Meltz, 2011).</span></p><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre; "> </span>When making the choice between open and closed adoption, the most important thing is love. Tamra wants Justin to know why she gave him up, that she “loved him literally more than her own life, that she wanted him but put her own heart on the alter for the life he could have” (Hyde, 2011). Jen, an adoptive parent of six, explains how hard it is to make sure your adopted child knows that he or she is loved. Things need to be sacrificed to do what is best for your child.</span><br /><p style="margin-left: 36pt; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">Why do I believe in open contact even when families are dysfunctional, addicted or even actively participating in criminal acts? Because I believe it's best for my kids. I took my son to meet his biological father in a Federal Prison. Was that easy? Of course not. It was scary and overwhelming and slightly nauseating, and that was just for ME, I cannot fathom what he was feeling, but it was still totally the right thing to do. Why? Because my son wanted to. Because it's his truth and his reality. Because he has a right to love his parent even if I would rather my kids never talked to anyone who has ever used drugs in their entire lives. Because he needed to know with his own ears that he was loved BY THEM. (Jen, 2010)</span></p><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">The hard things have to be done so each individual involved –especially the child– (and even the birthparents) can be blessed, taught, and beautified. </span><br /><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre; "> </span>The examples given here have only been a small taste of the benefits of open adoption. It has brought these people and many more just like them happy lives. It will continue to bless each child, birthparent and adoptive parent as they chose to communicate openly and responsibly, rid themselves of pride, and do everything they can to love their child. Open adoption isn’t just a good choice; it is the best choice.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><br /><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><br /><span style="font-size: 16pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">References </span><br /><span style="font-size: 16pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><br /><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">Adoption Media (n.d.) </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">Closed Adoption.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "> Retrieved March 30, 2011, from </span><br /><p style="text-indent: 36pt; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><a href="http://closed.adoption.com/"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 255); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">http://closed.adoption.com/</span></a></p><a href="http://closed.adoption.com/"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 255); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span></a><br /><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">Adoption Media (n.d.) </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">What is Open Adoption?</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "> Retrieved March 30, 2011, from</span><br /><a href="http://statistics.adoption.com/information/adoption-statistics-open-adoptions.html"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 255); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">http://statistics.adoption.com/information/adoption-statistics-open-adoptions.html</span></a><br /><a href="http://statistics.adoption.com/information/adoption-statistics-open-adoptions.html"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 255); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span></a><br /><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">Hochman, G & Huston, A (1994) Open Adoption. Retrieved March 30, 2011, from </span><br /><p style="text-indent: 36pt; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><a href="http://www.eadopt.org/openadoption.htm"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 255); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">http://www.eadopt.org/openadoption.htm</span></a></p><a href="http://www.eadopt.org/openadoption.htm"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 255); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span></a><br /><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">Hyde, Tamra (2009, November 3) </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">Myths and Misconceptions about Adoption. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">Message posted to </span><br /><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre; "> </span></span><a href="http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=166834468789"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 255); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=166834468789</span></a><br /><a href="http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=166834468789"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 255); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span></a><br /><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">Jen (2010, June 29) </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">Why Openness?</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "> Message posted to </span><br /><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "> </span><a href="http://anickelsworthofcommonsense.blogspot.com/2010/06/why-openness.html"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 255); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">http://anickelsworthofcommonsense.blogspot.com/2010/06/why-openness.html</span></a><br /><a href="http://anickelsworthofcommonsense.blogspot.com/2010/06/why-openness.html"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 255); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span></a><br /><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">Meltz, B.F. (2011) </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">Open Adoption Over the Years.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "> Retrieved March 30, 2011, from </span><br /><p style="text-indent: 36pt; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><a href="http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=1734"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 255); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=1734</span></a></p><a href="http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=1734"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 255); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span></a><br /><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">Vandivere, S., Malm, K., and Radel, L. (2009) </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">Adoption USA: A Chartbook Based on the 2007 </span><br /><p style="margin-left: 36pt; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; "><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">National Survey of Adoptive Parents.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "> Washington, D.C.: The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Office of the Assistant Secretary for Planning and Evaluation.</span></p><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><br /><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><br /><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><br /><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><br /><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><br /><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><br /></div>Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11584911729689256025noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373725026669026780.post-38551241466973159382010-11-10T21:18:00.004-07:002010-11-10T23:48:17.823-07:00so a birthmom, an adoptive mom, an adoptee, and an unbelievably insensitive woman are tyin a quilt......so i'm at church tyin a quilt to donate, and i meet an adoptive mom. we're gabbin about how blessed we are to have adoption be part of our lives, goin on and on as b-moms and A-moms do when we happen to meet.<br />enter insensitive lady- "well it's best to have 'your own', that way they have your genes and adopted kids usually don't turn out well". (all of this is said infront of my new friend's listening daughter, by the way). she then goes on to give the evidence of a couple of adopted children who have grown up to have problems that are exclusive to those who have been adopted, y'know, like divorce and quitting church. <br />another woman at our quilt enters the conversation. "i'm adopted an none of that is true of me, though my siblings who are not adopted HAVE had those struggles". <br />i say "see, what YOU fail to understand is that this IS her own child! eternally! meaning- always was, always will be. they found eachother by inspiration and miraculous divine intervention! we are ALL brothers and sisters! so tell me, what do GENES matter?!". sike, that's only a-wish i woulda said. but i did say, "these babies go where they're meant to be".<br />Adopted mom responds to the height of rudeness with grace and charity. <br />rude lady feels dumb. <br />we get up and move to a kinder quilt and carry on our rejoicing. <br />Adoptive mom, Birthmom, and adoptee! GO TEAM!Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11584911729689256025noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373725026669026780.post-39745061405388275872010-07-21T23:11:00.003-07:002010-07-21T23:20:32.541-07:00my pregnancy familyletter to the family who opened their home to a pregnant teenager they didn't know in Atlanta.<br /> <br />hey Ms! i sure hate that i haven't stayed closer to y'all and i sure hate that you're sick, G. <br />i just don't feel that i've expressed adequately the significance of the role y'all have played in my life or my gratitude for it. i think i should tell you what i've told many, many others. when i came, i have to say i anticipated judgement and i expected to feel quite uncomfortable living in the home of strangers. but i remember being disarmed and feeling home very soon after my arrival. your family was the first i'd seen function close up. i learned and unlearned and relearned alot of stuff there through my observations and our interactins. the few months i spent with you, for me, were the most significant of my life. those were my deciding months. those were the months i spent dying and being born again. my heart being broken and then made whole. this was the time of my conversion. my time with you changed the course of my life more drastically than anything else has. i know i came by inspiration and i imagine you invited me by inspiration. i needed a safe and quiet place where the Holy Ghost could communicate with me uninhibited by the contention and distress that were unfortunately part of my home and family relationships at that time. equally critical was the distance from my boyfriend that allowed me to see the relationship for what it was and break my addiction to it. your home was my haven, it was my school. the Holy Ghost was my tutor in those days and i learned more in those months than i had in all the years that preceded them. i began to see truth and light where my view had been dark and distorted. i began to be me. i remember walking by the mirror in the upstairs bathroom and literally doing a double take. i saw a new countenance and i had pleasure in my reflection for the first time. <br />i remember you telling me i needed successes, to help me redefine myself and learn of my capability. and then you presented me with opportunities to progress and coached me through them. you taught me the power of investing in somebody. <br />despite the radical and exponential growth that was happening in me, i know i was still quite self absorbed and immature. i wonder if i was hard to live with but i never sensed having been a bother or a burden. <br />i'm sure you knew from the start what choice was right for me, but you never pushed or coerced which would have only hindered my finding it. it was as though you trusted me to work through my poor judgement. i would have doubted.<br />B, you were with me on the 2 most significant and miraculous days of my life. the day i met Justin's parents, and the day i met Justin. thank you so much for your care!<br />i know you had to be a part of the story. if i'd stayed in Memphis, if i hadn't had that peaceful place, where i could think and listen, i woulda stayed with J, and Justin wouldn't have gonehome. i'd still be trapped in depression and mediocrity. i wouldn't have come to light and life. my family would still be broken and i'd still be angry. i wouldn't have become me.<br />again, you are a crucial part of the story i joy to tell! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU for being your sisters keeper and for being my family.<br />my heart hurts for y'all now and i wish peace and the Lord's care over you. G, i love you. B, i love you. L, i love you. my prayers are with y'all!<br />Matthew 25:35,40Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11584911729689256025noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373725026669026780.post-32792098121052562062010-05-15T02:03:00.007-07:002010-11-09T21:48:01.870-07:00May 15, 2010. Justin is 14.May 15, 2010. Justin is 14. <br /><br />It’s 3 am and I’ve been waiting for the intensity of emotion to subside and give way to sleep. I don't fully understand what I’m feeling. I haven't felt this in 6 years, since the birth of my first nephew. It feels like missing. Like awareness again that Justin is not here. Which is right and as it should be. But I remember how sweet it all was when he WAS with me. <br />I miss being pregnant. I miss how close I was to the Lord. I miss the close and constant care and company of that spirit which lead and taught and comforted and strengthened me. The communication was so clear and so sweet. I miss having that kind of purpose. Every day had meaning. I miss having such a love and a work to do. I was responsible for something precious. <br />I miss the feeling of deliverance and relief. I miss the feeling of newness, reconciliation, more than forgiveness, total acceptance and approval, embrace.<br />I miss that room, the room where Justin and i communicated and connected, in a way as mother and child, but more soul to soul, where we got to know each other, or better said, where we were reacquainted. He is a tremendous and a valiant soul. I miss being a momma. I was special. I felt so honored. I was good. I loved the smell of him! I miss the feeling of him in my arms. I miss his face. I wish I could see it again. I wish memories were clearer. <br />That room was a temple. Even when finally, it was only mom and I left there, the room had a peace, a stillness. I miss that day. <br />I prayed tonight that in my sleep I may visit that place and time. And I feel I’ve come too far from it. Not in terms of time or geography, but I’m no longer worthy of it. I haven't lived up to it. I was meant to do more and better from there. i wish i could go back. i'd be more vigilant to maintain the grace I’d received. If I could've just stayed as i was then. i was good. And it was so sweet. i need to find my purpose again. <br />I always say “it doesn’t hurt anymore. I’m not sad anymore.” So I’ve been arguing with my heart that this emotion must be something other than pain. I give. It hurts. But there’s a beauty in this kind of pain. <br />There HAS been healing, My pain Has faded and settled into its proper place and proportion but I think I’ve been wrong. I think now that perhaps it never goes away all together. That’s ok. My burdens have been made light enough to bear and even now, as it was 14 years ago, the bitter is tempered with a compensatory sweet and gratitude is the overriding emotion. <br />Justin is 14 today. i wish i could go to the party. i pray with great energy that he is continuing where i left off, ensuring he is in the right path and preparing for his special mission. i pray he knows of himself what i know of him. i again, for the millionth time, and not the last, thank God for Debbie and Gale. They have been the hands of the Lord in my life. i cannot wait to be again face to face with my friends! Happy Birthday sweet and precious boy! I DO miss you. i hope she kisses you extra today for me!Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11584911729689256025noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373725026669026780.post-68299691751202240102010-01-17T14:28:00.001-07:002013-01-06T23:16:53.767-07:00Myths and Misconceptionsso, the MOST important thing for anyone to know about adoption, is that chances are, you don't know anything. i was surprised to find, when i first set foot into the world of adoption, how inaccurate most of my notions of adoption were! and in my conversations with people from many varying levels of education and experience on the matter i have encountered some shocking ideas! i try to cut folx some slack knowing i was once so unenlightened. also, given the rapid and dramatic evolution adoption has undergone, even in MY lifetime, as well as the media's love for horror stories and worst case scenarios, it isn't any wonder that many have outdated or fearful thoughts on the matter.<br />
to people in the adoption family, these things are sacred. to have something SO beautiful and so much a part of who we are and what we love misunderstood can feel like the sharpest dagger to the most tender part of the heart. (and some of us can get pretty feisty)<br />
SO, this week I'm going to feature some of the most common and most harmful myths and misconceptions. Birth mamas, adoptive parents, and adoptees feel free to add some of your (least) favorites as well as add you commentary to the ones listed.<br />
<br />
<br />
"Birthparents don't want their babies"<br />
<br />
i saved the worst for first! I'm not kiddin, it hurt my chest to write that!<br />
i have not met this birthmom.<br />
abortion is ever more available, affordable, and acceptable. the woman who can't be bothered to raise a child, i would think would take this route.<br />
i wanted Justin more than ANYTHING I'd EVER wanted! it took me MONTHS to get over myself! the only thing i wanted more than to have his hand always in mine was for him to have all that could be his!<br />
adoption is rarely a birthmother's plan A. to come to and through this choice, we must break our own hearts, defy our very instinct! NEVER believe that it is anything other than the love of our children that could enable us to do this impossible thing!<br />
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"a woman chooses adoption in order to have the chance to finish growing up, pursue their education, etc."<br />
<br />
while this IS a benefit of choosing adoption, it is NOT a reason to.<br />
I'm blessed by the many experiences and opportunities I've had to live the young single adult life. college, roommates, dating. i can spend my time and money however i choose. all of these things are greatly hindered for a single mom. but i tell you, without hesitation, i would give it ALL back! he means so much more to me than ANY of it! I was not my reason. HE was. i was totally prepared to put my WHOLE WORLD on the alter to keep him with me. but i couldn't sacrifice his.<br />
<br />
"a birth mother can move on"<br />
<br />
this is true and false.<br />
i have progressed. I've had healing. my priorities and focuses have evolved. where, in the beginning, i thought of little else, my world is now full of other interests and pursuits.<br />
while this isn't my whole identity, it's still a big chunk. and that's ok. it's awesome in fact. i will think about Justin and his family everyday of my life. and it brings me joy, not pain.<br />
for 9 months we shared our food, water, blood, and oxygen! he is flesh of my own flesh! bone of my bone! i will NEVER be "over it". and i don't wanna be. i will never put them away in a box in the closet. this story is my FAVORITE story! about my favorite people! it will bless me all my days!<br />
<br />
"if i choose adoption....I'll be broken"<br />
<br />
this was one of mine. it's also true and false. it was fully my expectation at the time i made my choice that i would function around a broken heart for the rest of my life, like an emotional limp. my choice did brake my heart, to be sure. my arms ached for him. my chest hurt. it felt my air went with him. i had longed, i had missed, I'd felt loss, but never like this. to write of it now i can still feel the memory of it. i had lost a child. and i felt it. not just for a few days or weeks or months. i felt sorrow and grief for the first few years and occasionally even still. i have to say though, there was peace and sweetness to temper the bitter aching from the very start. but as time passed it began to be intermingled with more and more gratitude, peace, joy, until i rarely hurt anymore. i feel deeply when i tell my story but when i cry, don't feel sorry for me! my tears are the gratitude my words can't express! Justin stopped by on his way home and saved me. he was my missionary! my love for him was the only motivation sufficient to make me change. had God not blessed me with these most difficult trials, I'd still be locked up in anger and pain and darkness, my view so narrow. and i wouldn't know love. I'm not back to how i was before. I'm SO much better! I'm not broken. I'm mended! somehow, my greatest loss has been more than adequately compensated for. that's nothin but a miracle!<br />
<br />
<br />
"people who choose adoption are very young, have drug problems, are very poor, and have very unstable lifestyles"<br />
<br />
i wish this WERE true but as a result of these instabilities, in my observation, such women generally lack the clarity and presence of mind to choose adoption. on the contrary, I've seen conscientious, selfless, responsible people who, for those qualities, would make the best parents (in fact by putting their child's needs above their own, that's just what they're being).<br />
while women of all ages, socioeconomic backgrounds, and circumstances have chosen adoption, the average age is 22. a young girl's frontal lobe is not fully developed and she often won't have a very clear sense of the reality of tomorrow or the needs of another person outside of herself. so she's going mainly on instinct, which of course dictates that she does not separate from her offspring. even at 18 it was nothing short of divine intervention that got me to, and through the decision. that said, i have known girls, young as 12, wise beyond their years and they are my heroes!<br />
one of my many resistances to the idea of adoption was that i thought i didn't fit the bill. i thought adoption was for "those girls", the ones who would clearly be terrible parents. but i knew i was a good person, i would be a good mom. i thought, if you CAN raise your child, you do. i now know, it's a matter of good, better, best.<br />
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"adopted kids are always screwed up, if you place for adoption, your baby will be too"<br />
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i think it's funny now that i actually worried about this. there are several factors playing into this misconception. one is that people don't make the distinction between foster, international, and birthparent or infant adoptions. which is not at all to say that children adopted through the state or internationally WILL be "screwed up" but it certainly comes with a different set of challenges. the study I've seen showed that children adopted within the first 6 months of life (barring any abuse or neglect) showed no negative repercussions as a result of having been adopted. when compared to their peers they did as well or better in areas of academics, behavior, identity, or feelings of belonging. then when compared to those raised by single, biological parents the gap widens.<br />
i think another factor is, yet again, the influence of the past. in the "dark ages of adoption" there was no openness, no information, no communication from a birthparent, and there was alot of shame and secrecy. we've learned from these mistakes and we now see that those things contributed to feelings of abandonment and inferiority. in this day of open, real, working relationships between birth and adoptive families, a child knows they came from love to love. they were not unwanted. they have EXTRA family who cherish them. there are no gaps in their identity. this is something that makes them special. we don't whisper about adoption anymore. there is nothing to hide!<br />
furthermore, you cannot imagine the screening and procedures a couple goes through to adopt these days. and infertility can be quite the refiners fire. i think these folx are the cream of the crop! and after their work and wait and worry, and knowing the sacrifice it came from, they don't take parenthood lightly and they don't take their children for granted.<br />
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"the birthmom might try to take back the baby"<br />
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this is the stuff of Lifetime-made for TV-movies.<br />
in GA i had 2 weeks after placement to change my mind. this added to my hell. i know some states allow up to 6 months. in UT the moment relinquishment has been signed it is already binding. even where it's possible, it is rare that a mother will change her mind after placement. adoption is not something that a person chooses half hearted or on a whim. my thoughts, while feeling that crushing loss, were that i would NEVER want them (his parents) to feel it. knowing what i knew, that that family was his, that they were better, even than my best, that THAT was the life that he was SUPPOSED to have, how could i take it away from him.<br />
and again, things are not what they once were. if I'd chosen adoption because of social, religious, or family pressure instead of my own conviction that it was right for us. if i never held him or said goodbye. if i had to wake up every morning wondering where he was, with who, does he get enough kisses, is he fed well, etc. under these circumstances i can see how a person would have no peace and I'm certain i would have lost my mind. but this is NOT adoption today. as a birthmom sees the family she helped create, sees her baby laugh, sees the love his parents have for him, her decision is confirmed and solidified.<br />
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"no parent can love a child like their biological mother"<br />
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the instant i first saw him....words fail. i recognized immediately that i had never felt love before that moment. i felt my heart grow inside of my chest. i would've given my right arm for him, i'd've stepped infront of a bus for him. there was NOTHING i wouldn't have done for him. the world stopped....for moments while i tried to understand how he could be real. i recognized him. that moment is preserved in my heart. i feel it now as i shed even more grateful tears.<br />
i regret i wasn't there the first time Debbie saw her Justin (but my heart still melts at the thought of it). i have NO doubt...no doubt that HER heart grew! that SHE knew him! that HER gratitude has spilled out through her tears for 13 years. she IS giving her life for him! day by day.<br />
while the the blood we share is real and significant, it is not as real and as significant as is the sealing covenant. and biology does not have to exist for genuine family love to. i know that they COULD not love him more if he had their genes. i believe he was theirs before he was mine.<br />
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<span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"placing for adoption is 'the easy way out'" or "she should be made to face the consequences of her choices."<br /><br />someone please tell me HOW the choice i made was easy?! it took all i had, <span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;">no, MORE than i had! it was the most difficult and painful thing i've endured, and i CHOSE to endure it.<br />my mama has said that adoption is the hardest choice to make but the easiest to live with. not to suggest that the pain associated with the loss of a child is short lived, but we have our peace of mind. we can see the fruits of our sacrifice and they compensate for our hurt. people are told that abortion will be an easy way out but it is a lie. easy choice to make, incredibly difficult choice to live with. there is no consequence-free escape route.<br />did i make a very bad choice? yes. did my Justin? no. a human being is not to be used as an object lesson! should HE have to pay the consequences for my poor choice? no way!<br />i certainly did not evade consequence, nor did i evade my responsibility to provide for my child, whatever the personal cost.</span></span></span></div>
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<span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> i once heard a set of parents express that they wanted their daughter to parent because if she placed, it would be too easy and she'd only do it again. the scenario they thought would help her be more responsible was that she (t</span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">hey) would raise the child. the truth is that women who choose adoption are LESS likely to conceive again out of wedlock. they also receive higher education and better employment and are less likely to live in poverty</span></span></span><br />
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<span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: arial;">"well at least you didn't have an abortion". </span></span></span></span><br />
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<span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: arial;">firstly</span><span style="font-family: arial;"> adoption isn't an "at least" situation. it's not just "better than" a horrible alternative. it's the BEST for my child. secondly, abortion was never on the table for me. and while it does happen, i've only known 3 women out of literally hundreds who changed their mind from abortion to adoption. they are on opposite ends of the spectrum. one seeks to evade consequences for self and the other chooses greater pain and difficulty for self to minimize that of the child. in my observation it is typically a choice between abortion and parenting or parenting and adoption. we don't choose adoption because we couldn't be bothered to parent. </span></span></span></span><br />
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Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11584911729689256025noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373725026669026780.post-71305070254961486072009-05-09T20:16:00.005-07:002014-11-13T10:48:32.824-07:00adoption; then and nowi should explain a couple things in regard to the previous post. agency policy in '96 was that all correspondence between the birth and adoptive families was to be facilitated by the agency. meaning neither party had identifying information about the other; last names, phone numbers, addresses. also policy dictated that all correspondence would be discontinued at the 5 year mark. this was part of an evolution, coming out of what i call "the dark ages of adoption". these were the days of coercion, shame, fear, and secrecy. many current ideas about adoption unfortunately, are based on what it used to be.<br />
a woman or girl would choose adoption, not necessarily because she felt it was best for her child or herself, but often as a result of family, social, and/or religious pressure. often she'd be sent away from her friends and family and all the support she'd known, so as to hide her sin. and after carrying this child for 9 months and giving birth to him, they were discouraged to hold or touch or even see the child, thinking this would hurt them more or make them change their minds and keep the baby. she'd have no information about the life or whereabouts of her child. after all this she was to go back to her life and try to forget, to pretend it hadn't happened. and i imagine, everyday she'd wake up wondering where her baby was, if he was being fed and taught and loved adequately, if he was well and happy. this, i believe is where we get the old idea that birthmothers are unstable and if given the chance would steal the baby back. i tell you, had i placed under these circumstances, i WOULD have lost my mind! <br />
now, a birthmother is in total control. she is given the right to do what God has trusted her to do, find the best life for her child. good agencies don't pressure but educate. and there is, as we all know, NO stigma attached to single parenting in our culture now, infact there's often judgment that accompanies the choice of adoption. so you know if anyone chooses it, they are doing it because it's what THEY feel is right. and that's the only way she'll ever have peace about it. she can select from thousands of families which one she feels is right. she can announce to them in what ever way she chooses that God has heard their prayers. she has the opportunity to form a relationship with them throughout the pregnancy, see their home, interact with them as a loved friend or family member. she can place her precious baby directly into the arms of the mother she's giving him. she may enjoy a continued closeness with them including contact ranging from letters and pictures for a time, to fitting comfortably in their home on a regular basis forever, as any other friend or family member, depending upon their personalities, circumstances, and what they together agree works best for them. she knows he's happy and well taken care of. she knows he won't wonder if he was loved, she can tell him that he came from love to love. she is most often loved and adored like never before by people who know her for the best thing she ever did. i've heard countless birthmoms express that upon seeing their child at home, in his family, it was reaffirmed to them that they'd made the right choice. they find comfort in the joy of the family they helped to create. i've heard many say to their own astonishment "i knew that wasn't MY baby". <br />
less than 1 percent of the over a million crisis pregnancies every year results in an adoption. it is not the popular choice and certainly not the easy choice. it is a choice made at her own expense. a greater cost of tears and heart ache than she can prepare for. if she can choose this, she's proven she knows how to pray and follow wisdom, she knows how to put his best interest before her own. we've begun to see these are women who can be trusted.<br />
not only the birthmother but all points of the adoption triad benefit from this evolution toward honesty, openness and compassion. <br />
a child in those days often would discover at 8, 12, 16, or 35... that they were adopted. the information being withheld, i suppose, to protect the child from knowing that he was "unwanted" and "unloved" (that was difficult to even type) by the woman who gave him life. or from being different. so this child now has a major identity crisis. the people he trusted most in the world have withheld extremely significant information about who he is. "what else is a lie?". furthermore if and when he was told, it often came with a sense of shame or inferiority as this was something we whispered about, we spoke of it as a disease, a skeleton in the closet. "i'm so sorry son, you're adopted". so he thinks "there is something wrong with me".<br />
today, an adopted child is taught that being adopted makes him special. he has extra family, extra people who love him. that he was not abandoned but that he has his very own birthmom who loved him more than her life. who loved him so much, she gave him every thing he has. when i met Justin's parents they shared with me that every year they celebrate Jeremy's (Justin's older brother) birthday AND adoption day and tell him of the great love with which he came into the world and into his family.<br />
people use to be afraid of confusion regarding parental roles should the birthmother be involved. we now know that if the adults aren't confused, the child won't be. the parents set the tone. if they are secure enough in their position as his parents to portray it in a positive way, he will adopt their attitudes. <br />
i read a study that said the 2 most common questions adoptees would ask if they could, were-"what does she look like?" and "why did she do it?". these questions are answered now and i believe it has a powerful effect on the child's sense of identity, worth, and belonging. <br />
also blessed by the increase in openness and communication, are the parents. beyond being in their child's best interest, they are blessed to know the woman who gave them this most precious of gifts, to share their love and gratitude with her. i know many women on both sides who say they found a best friend and a sister through adoption.<br />
the old idea was that perhaps they would be threatened or displaced by eachother, that toes would be stepped on. this would be true if they were all trying to be parents but that's not what happens. i would NEVER challenge their role as his parents! Debbie is Justin's mother! the end! i couldn't fill her shoes if i tried! we have such delight in, and adoration for eachother! we were the answer to eachother's prayers. we both know the bitter taste of grief and loss, not being able to have what we long for on our own terms. we both know the joy that comes when we give our lives to Him who's wisdom is beyond our own, and how well He can compensate for our sacrifice. and we share a tremendous love of the same precious boy. i think enlightened adoptive parents figure "anyone who loves our baby this much is welcome". a birthmother has to trust more than she's ever trusted, and most families see fit to trust her back. <br />
i truly believe this evolution has been inspired. i wish so much i had 13 yrs ago what so many have now but i'm SO grateful i had what i did, which wouldn't have been allowed 13 or even 3 yrs earlier. <br />
what's more people to love, but a blessing?Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11584911729689256025noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373725026669026780.post-46211017152198046432009-05-08T19:41:00.004-07:002014-11-13T10:38:58.002-07:00wow....May, it's a doozieso saturday is birthmothers day, sunday is regular mothers day and Justin's birthday is a week from today. how did he get 13?! i miss those guys. it's been 7 yrs since correspondence was discontinued. i was asked the other day "so what's his birthday like for you?" i said that it's always different so i don't really have an expectation. as the years have passed, there is more and more of ...everything else on this special day and sometimes the day is over and i've been too occupied(though constantly aware) and haven't made the due reflection a priority. truth told, i'm still not sure what to do, HOW to remember. i mean, i remember EVERYday. there's no closed box tucked onto a shelf in the back of closet to take down and open. <br />
i have developed a ritual i'm happy with, i fast that special day. a fast of gratitude to my Father in Heaven and Savior that through my inclusion in that special family, and through the atonement, i was called out of darkness. i take the opportunity to remember my captivity and my deliverance and thank God for the sweet association i share with the Nortons. also, i fast for their family, for their well being and that they'll be in His hands. but at the end of these last few 15th's i feel like i missed something if i haven't made it more. i hesitate to include those around me though i'd like to because it ISN'T to them what it is to me, and i once overheard someone close say that i just wanted attention. I did! is that exploiting something sacred? i hope not but yeah, i did want someone to pay attention to the day with me. and to pay attention to the sweet and bitter emotion that comes with my memories. what IS appropriate? i have had very loving participation from friends and family, earlier on especially. it's been most appreciated. <br />
i know! i'll write. it was always difficult for me to write them when i had the opportunity and harder still knowing they won't read it any time soon but it's good for me and i imagine Justin and his family will be glad to have it some day. i miss those guys. i wish i had news. even if i could just somehow watch the movie of their lives as a distant observer. y'know, i do really well mosta the time but why can't we just have lunch? why can't we tell eachother thank you face to face? why can't i call her to tell her who i'm dating? why can't she tell me his milestones and how proud she is. i've never heard their story. i don't know how they fell in love. i don't know how or when they found they couldn't bear children and what they felt. i don't know how they came to adoption. i don't know how they got their first son Jeremy. i don't know the story about the day they heard Justin was coming home or about the day he did. i know these stories for so many other families. my adoptive AND birth family friends tell me. i've never said these things before. i AM grateful for what i had. it was the minimum i needed to survive. and i know there were so many who placed before me without so much as a letter or picture. my heart breaks for them. i AM so happy for the way things have evolved to include birthmoms in the joy of adoption. i AM happy for my friends. i know i am blessed and my needs are met. i know he has all he needs. i just wanna say happy mothers day to the mother who means most to me, second only to my own. i just want to give the hugs and kisses i've been storing up all these years and receive theirs. i know it'll happen. i'm just ready already! i miss those guys!Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11584911729689256025noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373725026669026780.post-75252623651729883542009-04-26T20:26:00.002-07:002014-11-13T10:34:20.319-07:00My testimony of the atonementthis was a letter i wrote to a struggling friend years ago in which i give my personal account of the work of the atonement in my life, specifically, during my pregnancy.<br />
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i don't think we ever really understand the amazing miraculous power of the atonement. i had a MIGHTY change of heart when Justin came. it was so literal and so real to be "born again, a new creature" i no longer carried ANYTHING from my former life, none of the shames and none of the pains. i had new sight, new desires, new attitude, new personality. everything i'd lost PLUS everything i'd never had but should have. Even when i have given back some of those blessings, this is still a different life and a different Tamra than it was before then. my worst day as Tamra is better than my best day as Tammy, that poor girl. it reaches back in time, it retrieves what is so far gone we thought it was irretrievable, it gives us our vision back, it heals our sickest sicknesses, it binds even the heart broken a thousand times, it removes our handicaps! it teaches what we never knew and reminds what we forgot. 100 percent! i was brand new, i WAS a little child. i felt the tenderness of my Father in a way uncommon to this earthly experience. i still know it, i can never deny it, it did all that and more for me. you are not yet wasted. the Lord is offended when we think our sins are greater than his power to forgive and REDEEM. when we "don't understand his mercies". i have at times asked him to remind me of that, when the enemy of my soul whispered to me that i was gone and<br />
the Lord didn't even want me anymore, that i had reached the bounds of the atonement. he has answered me specifically and definitely, thank goodness, even in my unworthiness he called and invited me back. he still wants u too. we've both felt at times in our lives that the Lord wanted us for some good purpose, u think he doesn't anymore? nonsense. its only his work and his glory. he leaves the ninety and nine for us! there is a feast waiting for our return! its so affordable, we just have to be as little children and believe him. and its ok if we don't completely right now as long as we can ask in whatever sincerity we can conjure " help thou my unbelief". i sometimes forget how to be as a little child so i ask my good Father to teach me, and good Father's don't upbraid or withhold when asked for help or good things. we may be tired, but we are not dead. we may be out of shape but we can work out for three minutes today and four tomorrow, and if we press forward and endure, we'll b strong and healthy, get it? we've wasted time, but not all of it. lets get what we want, better yet lets get what He wants, what we never even thought to want.Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11584911729689256025noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373725026669026780.post-54529775918230334252009-04-26T00:46:00.000-07:002009-04-26T00:50:42.790-07:00my you tube videothis is an interview Seth Adam Smith asked me to do. he's very talented and has many inspiring videos on you tube.<br /><br />http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KGCxBmoAIAETamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11584911729689256025noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373725026669026780.post-2763154394172157502009-04-26T00:38:00.001-07:002009-04-26T00:40:58.856-07:00interview for itsaboutlove.orgthis site has me and several other birthmoms, ranging in openness and time lapsed since placement. all are beautiful, well spoken, powerful women.<br /><br />https://beta.itsaboutlove.org/ial/ct/eng/site/pregnant/success-stories/Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11584911729689256025noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373725026669026780.post-52343772495339472032009-04-26T00:33:00.000-07:002009-04-26T00:37:47.676-07:00'08 FSA Birth mom panelthe girls who presented with me were rock stars! i mean, seriously impressive people with incredible stories.<br /><br />http://stream.lds.org/LDSFS/FSA_2008_08_02_FamiliesSupportAdoption__eng_.wmvTamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11584911729689256025noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373725026669026780.post-49003081639757186032009-04-26T00:16:00.000-07:002009-04-26T00:24:08.813-07:00"And God remembered Rachel"but Rachel was barren” (Genesis 29:31). And Leah bore Reuben, then Simeon, then Levi, and Judah. Meanwhile, Rachel remained childless (see Genesis 29:32–35).<br /><br />With ever-increasing envy and mounting desperation, one day Rachel explosively demanded of Jacob, “Give me children, or else I die” (Genesis 30:1). Leah subsequently bore two more sons and a daughter.<br /><br />The Apostle Peter testified that “the Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness; but is longsuffering” toward us (2 Peter 3:9). In this age of one-hour dry cleaning and one-minute fast-food franchises, it may at times seem to us as though a loving Heavenly Father has misplaced our precious promises or He has put them on hold or filed them under the wrong name. Such were the feelings of Rachel.<br /><br />But with the passage of time, we encounter four of the most beautiful words in holy writ: “And God remembered Rachel” (Genesis 30:22). And she was blessed with the birth of Joseph and later the birth of Benjamin. There are millions on earth today who are descendants of Joseph who have embraced the Abrahamic promise that through their efforts “shall all the families of the earth be blessed, even with the blessings of the Gospel, which are the blessings of salvation, even of life eternal” (Abraham 2:11).<br /><br />When heaven’s promises sometimes seem afar off, I pray that each of us will embrace these exceeding great and precious promises and never let go. And just as God remembered Rachel, God will remember you. I so testify in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.<br /> <br />Claim the Exceeding Great and Precious Promises<br />Elder Spencer J. Condie<br />Of the Seventy<br /><br /><br />God "remembers" his children in different ways according to our need. He remembers many, who feel forgotten and forsaken in their childlessness, through adoption.Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11584911729689256025noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373725026669026780.post-12104115902343553222009-04-26T00:04:00.000-07:002009-04-26T18:56:05.050-07:00Luke 9: 24.For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: but whosoever will lose his life for my sake, the same shall save it.<br /><br /><br />To a mother, her child is her life. And i can attest this is true. By letting go of the most precious thing i've known in obedience to God, my hands and my heart and my life have been filled.Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11584911729689256025noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373725026669026780.post-33295088453968508712009-04-25T23:55:00.000-07:002009-04-25T23:57:46.942-07:00Matthew 19: 29 (one of my favorites)And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or CHILDREN, or lands, for my name’s sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life.<br /> <br />(an hundred fold....? that's alot. does that mean babies?!)Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11584911729689256025noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373725026669026780.post-32548124638451178822009-04-25T23:44:00.000-07:002009-04-25T23:45:27.924-07:00Mathew 18:5And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me.Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11584911729689256025noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373725026669026780.post-11531369219205420372009-04-25T02:05:00.002-07:002009-04-27T00:11:00.310-07:00PROMISE IN THE GARDEN,<div>PROMISE IN THE GARDEN<br />A Story of Adoption and Redemption<br />by Linda Hyde (my momma)<br /> <br />This is the story of a girl named Promise.<br />She was a child of promise,<br />As all children are.<br />She came into life as<br />A delicate flower.<br />She grew and she blossomed<br />...And then she was bruised.<br />No one knows how it happened,<br />What went wrong -<br />How does one ever know -<br />It was never intended that it should happen:<br />Before she was hardly<br />Out of her youth,<br />She found herself with child.<br />How happy she was, in so many ways,<br />For she longed to give life,<br />To cause to bloom<br />...And yet how sad.<br />She was alone.<br />She felt she had no one,<br />No one who cared.<br />She dreamed a dream:<br />She walked in a mountain meadow,<br />The grass living silk beneath her feet.<br />She mused, she breathed, she felt the sun at her face.<br />At length, as she drew close to the top,<br />She saw that a garden wall graced the summit.<br />A garden!<br />An expectant crowd of green-and-silver leaves<br />Overhung the top of the wall.<br />A glimpse of blossoms,<br />A fragrance - a glorious feast of fragrance-<br />Graced her senses.<br />This was a garden to live in and to be nurtured all your days!<br />She wanted to go there,<br />She longed to be there.<br />She ran!<br />The going became arduous,<br />The way rocky. <br />She grew weary,<br />So weary.<br />Voices whispered in her ears:<br />A subtle hiss,<br />An intoxicating hint.<br />They led her where she did not want to go,<br />She went because she was bruised,<br />Bruised and broken.<br />She stumbled.<br />How very thirsty she was!<br />How she hungered!<br />How she longed for relief.<br />Someone dragged her to the garden gates<br />And left her there to mock her<br />(Knowing she could not get in).<br />"I will find a way!" she thought fiercely,<br />"I will go in!"<br />And she found a way,<br />Because she had the will.<br />She did not go in by the gate,<br />She did not come in as a guest.<br />She came in as a thief,<br />Clawing her way over the wall,<br />Dropping to the velvet turf<br />With a furtive crouch.<br />The scent! <br />The wild, happy aroma!<br />The air was awash with it,<br />Like water to swim in.<br />She floated on it till she was wafted<br />To a Tree, bursting with Fruit: <br />White, robust, lucid,<br />And so fragrant.<br />"I must have it!" she cried.<br />She jumped, she leaped,<br />She grasped,<br />And came down<br />With the fruit in her hand.<br />Joy! Joy! Joy!<br />"It is all I have ever wished for,<br />It is all I want;<br />I will eat it and never hunger,<br />I will drink it and never thirst!"<br />Up the fruit rose in her hand,<br />Her lips parted wide,<br />Her teeth making ready,<br />Her tongue anticipating…<br />Then came a sound,<br />Such a sound to make one's<br />Heart come alive.<br />Two sat weeping<br />Beside the tree.<br />Weeping!<br />Her hand froze,<br />The fruit stayed suspended,<br />Like a diadem.<br />Their weeping was loss, sorrow, <br />Longing, longing, longing!<br />Down by her side, tucked within the folds of her skirt,<br />Went the fruit, gripped yet more tightly.<br />But she must know...<br />Her heart breaking for them,<br />She ran and fell at their feet -<br />"What can it be?<br />What is this weeping?"<br />A gasp within her -<br />What was this? <br />Desire to aid,<br />Desire to save<br />From this unknown tragedy? <br />What had she to give?<br />Their story brought an icy wind<br />To chill her heart.<br />Their lot in this garden was to tend,<br />But not to pick, the fruit.<br />They had entered in at the gate,<br />The had come up by the way,<br />They were entitled to the fruit,<br />But they could not pluck it.<br />If they were to have it, it was to be given them<br />Only by someone else.</div> <div> </div> <div>The fruit in her hand was a living fire;<br />Her hand burned with it.<br />She must give it to them:<br />It was theirs;<br />But the choice was hers.</div> <div> </div> <div>There was no choice to be made!<br />The fire melted the ice,<br />Her hand reached out,<br />The fruit was offered.</div> <div> </div> <div>How happy they were!<br />How sad she was.<br />She must die with sadness.<br />She must be buried in the dirt,<br />She must sink into the soil,<br />She must cease to be.</div> <div> </div> <div>Darkness,<br />Suddenly cleaved by the Light.<br />Warmth revived the fainting seed.<br />She was lifted up.<br />Like a blossom in the palm,<br />She lay resting.</div> <div> </div> <div>A Voice whispered in her ear,<br />One she knew from Everlasting.<br />Like a seedling rising to the Sun,<br />She turned to it.<br />Her heart listened.<br />She opened her eyes to see Him.</div> <div> </div> <div>"You have done for them<br />What they could not do for themselves,"<br />He told her, his gratitude like lightning,<br />His words like living water.<br />"You are mine."</div> <div> </div> <div>Gently out of the hollow of His hand,<br />She came to rest again in the meadow,<br />The green living silk cushioning<br />Like a comforter.</div> <div> </div> <div>Promise, with child, awoke,<br />Knowing what she would do.<br />Then, she would climb,<br />And not alone.<br />As she had cared for them,<br />Others cared for her.<br />She would go in by the gate.<br />She would find her friends.</div> <div> </div> <div>There is a garden in her heart;<br />From it He whispers his promise:<br />"I will do for you what<br />You cannot do for yourself."</div> <div> </div> <div><br />Unpublished work Copyright 2007 </div> <div> </div> <div>Linda Jean Rainey Hyde<br />8148 Donnell Rd<br />Millington, TN 38053<br />901-829-4852<br /><a href="mailto:BroHam000@aol.com" target="_blank">BroHam000@aol.com</a><br />Millington ward, Memphis North stake</div>Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11584911729689256025noreply@blogger.com1