I placed my Justin with his sweet fam in May of 96. I met them once for an hour and a half.
The agency facilitated 5 years of limited correspondence and then we had to say good bye again. I missed them terribly.
AND THEN! When he was 15, at Lindsey's house, Jessa used her powers to find them! I laugh-cried! And then for a year and a half, I stalked his fb and thought about the letter i'd write every day. I was scared. I wish I could go back and be brave and faithful instead.
AND THEN! Days before he turned 17, we said hello again and talked from 1am til sun-up (irresponsibility is genetic) and then atleast once every couple weeks! I was so glad but i was SO SAD! His dear mamma had had a stroke when he was 6 that left her brain quite altered, and he was a pretty unhappy kid.
I spent a year processing. I cried alot. I worried so much. I was so confused. I kinda dropped out of the adoption community. For the first time in 18 years I didn't wanna talk about adoption. It was the hardest thing since actually placing.
AND THEN! I got a call offering a job in CA an hour and a half from them. We were chums by now and I told em I was gonna be in the neighborhood. AND THEN They invited me to HIS 18th BIRTHDAY!!! And then....my car died on the way. AND THEN! It started again!
It was like the first time we'd met, sublime and familiar and exactly as it should be. I hugged his dad, hugged him, holding it together all the whille, AND THEN that precious lady, who's been my sister since before i ever even laid my eyes on her, came hobblin around the corner. and i LOST IT! cry-laughing again! and absolutely trembling from head to toe! My heart took over and spilled out of my eyes and vocal chords and shook my body! I had prayed I'd see her through her conditin, and i felt her! Her same spirit and personality were so evident to me! she kissed me and hugged me just like I'd always imagined!
I was able to visit them through the Summer I was in CA. On a visit I asked his dad if he ever felt insecure, displaced, or threatened by all of this. he looked at like -what a dumb question- and said "Tamra, don't you know by now you're family? You were never far from us. You don't hafta call, our door is open"! On our last visit his mamma says "thank you for giving him to me" and I say "oh Debbie, he was yours" and she says "he's yours too, we'll share him in heaven". Her spirit and heart fought past her brain to give me that message she'd stored up all those years!
The days preceding the birthday meeting, I prayed SO MUCH and i got a real attitude adjustment! I can barely remember the expectations that haven't been realized and I could care less what anybody else's fairy-tale reunion looked like. I know that the boy is gonna be just fine. I'm seein and countin so many blessings, i feel like a jerk i ever felt sorry for myself! Me and the kid are homies---super tight. That family has adopted ME! My cup absolutely runneth over!!! My happy is back!
Bein knocked up sucked. Placing sucked. Closed adoption sucked. Finding them hurting KILLED me! but however deep the waters I wade through, some how it is ALWAYS worth it on the other side! I feel so crappy in the thick of it and then I marvel at God's grace and feel lucky for the whole thing. What an adventure! I just keep lovin this story more and more!