May 15, 2010. Justin is 14.
It’s 3 am and I’ve been waiting for the intensity of emotion to subside and give way to sleep. I don't fully understand what I’m feeling. I haven't felt this in 6 years, since the birth of my first nephew. It feels like missing. Like awareness again that Justin is not here. Which is right and as it should be. But I remember how sweet it all was when he WAS with me.
I miss being pregnant. I miss how close I was to the Lord. I miss the close and constant care and company of that spirit which lead and taught and comforted and strengthened me. The communication was so clear and so sweet. I miss having that kind of purpose. Every day had meaning. I miss having such a love and a work to do. I was responsible for something precious.
I miss the feeling of deliverance and relief. I miss the feeling of newness, reconciliation, more than forgiveness, total acceptance and approval, embrace.
I miss that room, the room where Justin and i communicated and connected, in a way as mother and child, but more soul to soul, where we got to know each other, or better said, where we were reacquainted. He is a tremendous and a valiant soul. I miss being a momma. I was special. I felt so honored. I was good. I loved the smell of him! I miss the feeling of him in my arms. I miss his face. I wish I could see it again. I wish memories were clearer.
That room was a temple. Even when finally, it was only mom and I left there, the room had a peace, a stillness. I miss that day.
I prayed tonight that in my sleep I may visit that place and time. And I feel I’ve come too far from it. Not in terms of time or geography, but I’m no longer worthy of it. I haven't lived up to it. I was meant to do more and better from there. i wish i could go back. i'd be more vigilant to maintain the grace I’d received. If I could've just stayed as i was then. i was good. And it was so sweet. i need to find my purpose again.
I always say “it doesn’t hurt anymore. I’m not sad anymore.” So I’ve been arguing with my heart that this emotion must be something other than pain. I give. It hurts. But there’s a beauty in this kind of pain.
There HAS been healing, My pain Has faded and settled into its proper place and proportion but I think I’ve been wrong. I think now that perhaps it never goes away all together. That’s ok. My burdens have been made light enough to bear and even now, as it was 14 years ago, the bitter is tempered with a compensatory sweet and gratitude is the overriding emotion.
Justin is 14 today. i wish i could go to the party. i pray with great energy that he is continuing where i left off, ensuring he is in the right path and preparing for his special mission. i pray he knows of himself what i know of him. i again, for the millionth time, and not the last, thank God for Debbie and Gale. They have been the hands of the Lord in my life. i cannot wait to be again face to face with my friends! Happy Birthday sweet and precious boy! I DO miss you. i hope she kisses you extra today for me!