Saturday, April 25, 2009

letter to another inquiring friend in crisis pregnancy

X! I'm real proud of you girl. i can tell you're taking this seriously and really want to do what's right, and only you really have that stuardship to know. i would never presume to tell you what you should do because i get to walk away and you are the one who will walk the path chosen. anybody else's conviction won't give you the peace of mind you will NEED. but i can tell you my story. all i wanted was just to KNOW, whatever choice i made, i just wanted to have peace the next day and 50 yrs later that i did right by my son. i didn't want to doubt or wonder-could my son have had better or more? it was the greatest responsibility and most difficult decision of my life. i was so frustrated that i couldn't tell the future. i wanted to see the end of every path. that's where i found myself on my knees. honey i promise i know how you feel but it's your enemy who seeks your destruction who gives you reasons not to pray! they are lies, tricks. don't let anything keep you from the help and clarity and calm and guidance the Lord is anxiously waiting to give you liberally! the stakes are too high. X he loves you! you are dear to the heart of the shepherd. this experience can be the best thing that ever happened to you! it was for me. couldn't see it from the beginning. i thought my life was over but it hadn't even begun! i lost so much of myself through this experience and it hurt! but those parts were no good and i was blessed to die in those ways to make room for a REAL and miraculous rebirth! your Father wants you! i've sensed so much in you that you are a valiant one with some great mission and purpose. i really love you X! i want to see you happy, walking in that light. you should have that. you really can. i feel so much for you that i can't fight tears, for how hard it is right now but believe it or not i'm exited for you for what it can be! from my deepest grief came my most choice blessings! i wouldn't change anything! i'd suffer it all again! the Lord compensates with mercy we can't imagine! i learned love! it was bigger and greater than i'd ever thought possible! i learned faith. to suspend my fears for myself and the unknown for the will of the Father and the love of another. i thought my choice would leave me broken but i took the path anyway, because the Lord told me it was what was right for my little boy. i am not broken but mended! i've been so tenderly defended and delivered and carried! i had never known anything but a heart broken by the world. i was healed of wounds i thought were too deep to ever heal! the Lord honors sacrifice and what more precious thing could be put on the alter? i love my life! i love my choice! i LOVE that little angel boy! i love the life he has! i LOVE that family who was ALWAYS his! i love Jesus Christ! i can't believe what he's done for me!
you said that you feel like he should be with you. of course you do! it's your instinct. you're a good person with a feeling heart. of course you want your baby! i said for so long almost defiantly-"he's mine! he's mine!" but he wasn't mine. he belonged to his Father in heaven, so do i, so do you. and i had been trusted with him.
you're gonna receive more advise than ever at this time and i don't want to add to any feelings of being overwhelmed by it. just ask for the Holy Ghost to guide you in which is good and useful and discard what isn't. i'm not gonna lie and say that i don't think adoption would afford you the greatest happiness and peace of mind, the kind that lasts and sustains, but i know what was right for us might not be what is right for you and again, i know only you can KNOW. you CAN know, X. you've got a heart that is tender and compassionate and i know you love the Lord and this child and want to do right. i believe you will. don't be scared X. be still and know that you are in His hands. be believing. hold to the rod, the anchor, and nothing can shake you! member that AWESOME fire circle on that mesa about the path of stone? there is a rock for you to stand on! firm and strong when we are weak.
you let me know if i've said too much or overstepped. if this is not useful to you, i won't be offended. i only hope with all my heart that i can bear your burden with you in some way. it's a burden i've known. i've included below some peices written by my mother and myself and also a few links that i hope can help or comfort or guide. but again, if it's not what you need then disregard. you'll find your way, love. you're a good girl.
i love you X! you're in my prayers!

i just heard this on sunday. i had to find it for you-

"I have prayed, as you have, to know what to do when choices that I faced would have eternal consequences. Over many years I have seen a recurring pattern in the times when the answers to such a prayer have come most clearly.

Once, for instance, I prayed through the night to know what I was to choose to do in the morning. I knew that no other choice could have had a greater effect on the lives of others and on my own. I knew what choice looked most comfortable to me. I knew what outcome I wanted. But I could not see the future. I could not see which choice would lead to which outcome. So the risk of being wrong seemed too great to me.

I prayed, but for hours there seemed to be no answer. Just before dawn, a feeling came over me. More than at any time since I had been a child, I felt like one. My heart and my mind seemed to grow very quiet. There was a peace in that inner stillness.

Somewhat to my surprise, I found myself praying, "Heavenly Father, it doesn't matter what I want. I don't care anymore what I want. I only want that Thy will be done. That is all that I want. Please tell me what to do."

In that moment I felt as quiet inside as I had ever felt. And the message came, and I was sure who it was from. It was clear what I was to do. I received no promise of the outcome. There was only the assurance that I was a child who had been told what path led to whatever He wanted for me.

I learned from that experience and countless repetitions that the description of the Holy Ghost as a still, small voice is real. It is poetic, but it is not poetry. Only when my heart has been still and quiet, in submission like a little child, has the Spirit been clearly audible to my heart and mind."
(As a Child- Henry B Eyring)
this is almost exactly how it happened for me. i DID NOT want adoption! but i did want to do right by my son and by God. i'd pleaded with him to direct me but left out that option. i gave the Lord multiple choice-A,B,orC but i left out D. i was more than willing to marry that guy who wasn't for me, who i'd never been happy with and probably never would, even if it meant divorce (which in my heart of hearts i knew it would). i was willing to be a single parent with all the sacrifices that accompany that choice. i didn't care if i never went to school, i didn't care if i'd miss the single adult experience, even if i never got married, if i could just keep my son. i begged and i bargained. i counseled the Lord instead of seeking counsel from him. i told him i'd dedicate my life to this child! i'll never sin again! i'll overcompensate! just let me keep him! but then one day, frustrated, full of confusion, and at my very end, having been unable to find a consistent peace in any of these choices, i wept to my Father "i've worked so hard, i've removed the sin from my life, i'm trying to repent, i read and i pray! i haven't gotten an answer! PLEASE help me! i need to know!" and the reply came with clear words if not a voice "Tamra. Give the Lord your will". and the thing is, i'd thought i had. but in that moment i understood for the first time what it meant. thy will be done means- whatever happens, if it kills me, if it is the very thing most precious to me that you require, thy will be done. it doesn't mean- i'll do anything except....or thy will be done if it's the same as mine. it is what Moses' mother understood as she put her son in a basket on the River and trusted the Lord's hands to be more capable than her own. it was what Abraham understood as, with heaviest heart he placed his only son by his wife Sariah, for whom he'd prayed and waited, literally on the sacrificial alter.
in my humility, i obeyed. i said, and for the first time really meaning it "alright, thy will be done". the answer came. it was what i had dreaded and wept at the thought why did it come with peace? i was astonished. i went downstairs and when i vocalized the the choice that had been communicated to me "i've decided to place my son for adoption", a feeling, a physical feeling, started at the top of my head and moved through my body. peace was new and therefore unmistakable to me. i didn't know what would happen to me. all i knew was that i was not for that little boy. and i didn't know how, but i knew i'd be able to do this impossible thing, that somehow this would work. i don't know if i could've said i "knew" anything before that moment. but this, i knew, and i still know. the feeling and mood of my pregnancy changed at this point. there was clarity, calm, there was an increase of confidence. while it wasn't MY plan A,B, or C, i was relieved to know the answer to the most significant question i'd ever asked "where does this baby belong?"
so i just paused in the writing of this to read your email. i wasn't gonna send it til i heard back. (-; don't wanna bombard you.
i think you're right about that God has a plan for all of us, where we should be. donno if you had a chance to read the first article after my letter but it shares the experience i had which let me know in no uncertain terms that he just wasn't mine. i didn't choose that family, i found the family God had already chosen for him. before i understood this i took it personal that the Lord told me no. i though "but i'm a good person, i'd be a good mom!" i was hurt the Lord didn't trust me. but that's now what it was at all. he belonged with them. i was a good person and i would be a good mom! it just wasn't my time. he came to me on his way home because i needed him too. he was my awakening, my new beginning. he was my motivation to live the good life my Father had wanted for me. i CAN'T BELIEVE how blessed i am!
i'm sure you probably know there is a group you can attend with other girls in your shoes and those just on the other side of it. if you haven't attended, believe me, no one will try to pressure you or take your baby, but they can support you and love you and show you this is survivable.
you don't gotta be worthy to pray. you just gotta be His child. if my Justin ever hesitated to come to me because of mistakes he'd made it would break my heart. and God is a perfect parent! the stakes are high over you. there's a battle going on over you. God wants you, and for the same reason, so does the enemy. just ask X. if you lack the faith ask for it. if you lack the humility ask for it. whatever keeps you from praying, ask for it to be removed.
thanx so much for writin back! i'm so honored to know you! you really are special. choose to believe it!
i love you! i wish i were there to sing you hymns.

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