So! for those of you who have been following the reunification/reinstating of correspondence effort, here's what happened today.
....actually no. here's the back story, so skip ahead if you feel you are...abreast.
let's take it back to 2009, in AZ....
actually first let's go just briefly to 1996 in GA. I am placing my son for adoption and i am informed that current policy states that the agency will facilitate limited correspondence for only 5 years and that no identifying information will be released by them to either party (thank God for progress!).
fast forward 5 yrs, i break my heart and say goodbye again. fast forward one year, i receive a letter when J turns 6. i think "wow! i wonder how they swung this! maybe cuz i'm my caseworkers favorite. maybe no one checked the placement date. what a gift! what a tender mercy!", but i thought it was a fluke. I attempted no further correspondence, doubting we'd be so lucky twice and just feeling grateful to have heard from them one more time.
NOW let's go to AZ, J is 13. it's been 7 years since i've heard from them and 8 since they'd heard from me. oh, just a minute, one more tiny flashback-
so about a year or 2 after our last communication, i had a nightmare. and then again and again at varying intervals for about 4 years. the circumstances were always different but one way or another, our paths would cross and one way or another i would discover that they didn't want me. and i would wake up with a wounded heart and cry and pray for reassurance. one of those kinds of dreams that makes your heart so heavy and it stays with you all day. then in like 05, i had a miraculous little tender mercy after a particularly bad one and the dream never came back. maybe i'll tell that story later
ok. SO! AZ, 09- i'm workin for a branch of the agency which handled the adoption. i discover to my absolute HORROR that the agency's 5 year cap policy had actually been lifted the year BEFORE i placed. I had been misinformed. somebody had missed the memo and it had cost me 8 years of knowing ANYTHING. 8 years of hearing how joyful and lucky they were to be a family and 8 years since i'd read their words of love, admiration, and gratitude or written them mine. 8 years of questions i could have asked and answered. it frustrates me still if i dwell on the thought. BUT! after i excused myself to go call my mom and cry to her like a child and send dirty looks heavenward in total confusion, the silver lining in the tragedy started to take hold. i'd lost 8 years but i'd just gained 5 more than i'd expected to have! i could now resume correspondence! right?! you really would think...
i contact the GA office and explain what happened (which some people might have turned into a lawsuit) and ask them to pass on a letter from me. "oh, we don't have any forwarding information for them at this point." well you surely could find it! a heck of alot easier than i could! ...i thought. "yeah, we'll call ya if we come across anything..........................".
fast forward 2 years and a few more fruitless phone calls to GA. i'm at a thing at the Redferns' (aka, The R House [yeah, i'm name droppin]). my home girl Jessalyn Speight (i did it again) uses her hacker genius skills, the little info i had, about 2 hours, and likely some divine intervention to find an address! a phone number! and facebook pages! so now, I have forwarding information! now i can write them! right?!
well, here was the plan, i would write his parents. i would state that i trust them now as i trusted them then. that i want what's best for him, just as i did in the beginning and that they were the ones who knew what that would be. that i had no desire EVER to step on their toes but only to support them no matter what! but that i wanted to make myself available, to empower them. i had info for them they had none for me but it was their call so i wanted to even the playing field. so this was what i would write. and a year and a half later, i finally did.
how could i procrastinate a thing like this?! when Jessa found the information, i was so, SO beyond stoked! i laugh/cried so hard! you'd think i'd write as soon as i got home! but think, we've had total silence between us for a decade now. i can only guess at their circumstances, thoughts, and feelings. and i have SO MUCH i want to say but i need every word to be perfect because if i say something wrong, it may be the only chance i get. everything i know of them confirms that they are the most gracious folks and that they love me dearly but in the void of current evidence, my mind had entertained years of doubts and fears. the last thing i ever wanted to do was disrupt, offend, or impose. as i tried to make myself write, i imagined every possible scenario, some good, some heart breaking. i've seen some of the latter. i have a few girlfriends who have been ignored, mistrusted, and viewed as a nuisance by the people she'd trusted most in the world. and i could never imagine how i could possibly process that if it happened to me. i felt guilty to even entertain thoughts that they could do such a thing, but in spite of myself, i sometimes did. and honestly folx, i'm not where i'd hoped to be when i gave them my update. no degree, no career, no house, no husband, no children. i wanted more to show and i didn't want them to be disappointed.
let me take a side note here. around this time, i'd just had SIX
adopted students at my wilderness therapy job within like the 2 months previous.
i'd asked for and heard their perspectives about everything about being
adopted! and most of them, most of them were hurting for want of
connection and/or answers that their birthmoms could've given in some form or another. and the
couple of girls who HAD the contact were so blessed for it. AND after i leave The
R House, i get in my car, and to my confusion and astonishment, a heavy
sadness comes over me. i think it was a new realization, after seeing
his teenage face, of all that i had missed and couldn't recover. but
also, and maybe i was projecting onto him what 15 felt like for me, but i
believe i was having some sense of him struggling, that perhaps he was sad, at any rate adolescents is the roughest part for alot of us. so put all of this together and with prayer, I decided i was being prompted and prepared. that perhaps there was something i could do. but despite all of this, i took counsel from my fears.
until July 2012, when i felt a new urgency that caused my concern for them to outweigh the risk for me. i hoped that God knew me well enough to prompt me a year and a half early, that i hadn't missed some window or opportunity to be useful. it took me 3 weeks to write, reread, revise, and repeat. i had my English major mom, sister, and best friend review it as well as adoptive parents and adoption professionals from my diverse and useful social circle.
and then, i sent it. i sent it to his dad's fb. and then i waited. and nothin came. after about a month and a half i'd resolved that they'd made their decision and now i had to put my money where my mouth is. i'd said they knew what was best for him and that was what i wanted, even over what i wanted. i'd said i trusted them, and now i'd have to. i was disappointed. even a little hurt, but not offended. at no time did i feel wronged or fault them for their choice. i'd spent a year and a half preparing myself for any outcome and i'd made myself promise to be at peace with whatever one came about before i'd let myself send the letter. to tell it right, i was sustained really. i'd felt it was right to write, i'd felt at peace when i finally sent it, and now, it was given to me to accept what was.
fast forward 3 and a half months. my friend Audra informs me that any FB message which has been seen will have a check mark in the lower left corner. "see if there's a check mark! i bet he never got it, or they'd have written back!". wouldn't you know...no check mark. i hadn't gotten the shaft! perhaps i was being tested. i passed! haha! a few days later i discover the "other" box on the fb mail page where the message no doubt has been hiding.
so, new plan-contact GA one more time and ask if they would be willing to use the forwarding information I'd acquired and pass along my petition for me. it seemed better to me than to cold-contact them. i mean, this was how it was set up, this was what we were used to. i just felt perhaps it would be less....shocking in an envelope with their letterhead. fast forward 2 months, i finally make the call. i state my case, make my request and i'm told once again she'll get back with me...... and then today...SHE DID! and she says, "i discussed it with my director and he said just to run it by the couple and see what they say, so i spoke to D (the mama)", "WHAT?! you spoke to her?! when i've spoken to y'all before over the last 3 and a half years i've always been told you have no way to contact them!". "well i didn't go through the official avenues which would have been complicated and time consuming, i just used the information you gave me and looked them up on my own". "so what did she say?!". "i just told her you'd been misinformed about correspondence policy and would like to resume if they were open to it and she said (check this out) 'absolutely'". ABSOLUTELY! that is my new favorite word! i've been sayin it in my mind all day! i told the dear lady thank you so much for being concerned enough to make the effort and follow up! i told her what a burden, one i'd carried for 10 years, had just been lifted! what anxiety had just been alleviated and the nagging doubts that just had to shut their faces! she said ABSOLUTELY, y'all!!!! why did i ever doubt them?! as soon as i was alone in my car i found myself at a stop light clapping and laughing and crying and praying out loud "thankyouthankyouthankyou!"! i've brought this whole business up to God frequently, but this morning, i pleaded. God is good. i know this. again and again.
now the frustrating bit is that the information I gave her, with which she was able to contact them, was no more than the info i'd offered when i spoke to them 3 and a half years ago. why could no one have made that small effort for us then? but whatev! it is what it is and if it wasn't God's all knowing orchestration, it'll all be compensated for anyway. all is well. all of the disappointments, all of the waiting, all of the wondering makes today even sweeter! and faith precedes the miracle, once again in my life.
so NOW the daunting task of writing a NEW letter! the other one was more just asking if i could write a letter. now i know they want to hear from me, i'ma write a novel! i'm intimidated and overwhelmed again but i'm SO excited and i'm SO grateful! and SO long winded!
i love y'all who've followed up with me on all of this and been invested with me. so many of y'all who have rooted for me and prayed this for me! y'all who've been disappointed with me and excited with me! i love y'all!
stay tuned! it's gettin good! AHHHH! i can't wait to hear back!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH! hahaha!
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Adoption Good News
i'm being featured on the R house's weekly Adoption Good News!
http://www.therhouse.com/adoption-good-news-tamra/
http://www.therhouse.com/adoption-good-news-tamra/
Thursday, June 14, 2012
my keynote address for the Central Region Families Supporting Adoption Conference in Denver
i love these types of events! i love being a part of this community! a community of individuals who have been or hope to be a part of the miracle. we represent all angles of the triad; adoptive parents, adoptive hopefuls, birth families, prospective birth parents, likely a few of you have been adopted, and then we have our adoption professionals who WE adopt into OUR elite and privileged club. lucky them. some of the finest people in my association and some of my best friends are people i’ve found in this work.
when i placed for adoption, there was no community, or if there was, i had no knowledge of or access to it.
i was honored but surprised to have been asked to do this. i was beginning to think i was becoming obsolete as the stories you will have will look very different than mine.
in these 16 yrs since I placed, the face of adoption has been beautified and come out of obscurity but that was a ball that had started rolling even years earlier, first very gradually and with much resistance and then in my opinion, very rapidly, particularly if you consider that for generations and generations, adoption had been done in the same way. there were always exceptions but the rule was that adoption was an institution of shame, mystery, misconception, and secrecy.
many of the women who placed in those days did so not because of a conviction that it was right for them or their child but as a result of social, religious, or family pressure, as a way to conceal the unwed pregnancy as the stigma was far greater then. these women would have little peace in their choice as it had not truly been theirs.
birthparents had no representation, no voice, no face. they were mysterious even to themselves as they were encouraged to practice denial and shroud the most defining experience of their lives.
they would begin each day with the burden to carry alone of a secret and a broken heart and a thousand nagging unanswered questions as to the whereabouts and well being of their offspring.
often having never said hello, never said goodbye. the child they carried had no face, no name, and in many cases not even a gender.
the assumption on the receiving end, where there was a total absence of a true story, was often that the child was abandoned, unwanted, and unloved by whatever creature could be so heartless. often, the parents were encouraged to conceal the tragic truth so as to protect the child from the knowledge that they were..... (adopted). this had an incalculable detrimental affect on many adopted children. when at age 8, 18, or 80 they discover the true beginning of their own story, they would feel confused, betrayed, and ashamed. the people they’d trusted most in the world had withheld from them information about their very identity. who they were was a skeleton in the closet, something to hide, not to be spoken of. it must be an awful shame.
or if they had known, perhaps it was whispered about, spoken of like a disease or a handicap.
The mind tends to fixate on the mysterious or the forbidden. to many adopted children with no actual birthparent representation, she became a fantasy or a villain, as needed. she is sometimes the favorite scapegoat or the reason for all their problems. or perhaps she would be pegged into the catch-all stereotype of the knocked up 15 yr old who’s surely now living in squalor or died of an overdose.
In my observation, it is very difficult for adopted children to not identify themselves to some degree by their impression of their birthmom so as you can imagine, this would be less than awesome for ones self esteem.
Or conversely she would be the favorable alternative to the adolescent mind’s perceived oppression. “if i were with her, SHE’d understand me!”. i attended an adult adoptee panel where a woman expressed that as a child, she was convinced that Whitney Houston was her birthmom..... she was white.
For adoptive parents, there was most often a total lack of preparation, no counseling or education-”just pretend it’s ‘normal’. you’ll figure it out”. insecurities and grief related to infertility were not addressed and did not disappear automatically with the placement of a child. many went into adoption hoping to overcompensate for or cover up their “problem”. “now we can be normal”. but adoption isn’t normal, it’s unusual, it’s different. it’s wonderful, but it’s not normal. any effort to make it so invites a culture of denial which transfers to a child who feels like plan B. it can be awesome without being normal. sometimes i secretly wonder if it's not better than normal and some studies would suggest that it is.
they often could not embrace and celebrate adoption if they had not had the opportunity to grieve and bury their plan A, often carrying the feeling that their non-biological family was somehow second rate. these parents would likely not be prepared to have a birthparent in their circle, even if she were made available. they might feel threatened by, in competition with, or resentful of her.
And they were subject to drawing the same conclusions about this entity, this figment, this birthmom who almost existed in a different realm if at all.
boy.... that was a downer. i do not mean to say that adoptions done in these less enlightened times were not often replete with miracles as well, because i personally know of many that were.
BUT! rejoice! for we are the beneficiaries of evolution! a trail has been blazed by those who sensed something was not quite right in the established way. adoptees who could not have access even to their own medical history. adoptive parents who came to realize more resources were necessary to do their best, and birthparents who FINALLY removed the scarlet letter and broke the silence. as well as professionals who saw the ethical flaws in their practices. we owe these pioneers our recognition and gratitude and our continued efforts toward progress in these matters.
adopted children now know they have a larger than usual support system, they have extras. they know that they came FROM love TO love. adoption is one of the things that makes them special, not 2nd class. they can talk about it openly and have their questions answered. they are allowed to love and be loved by she who put her heart on the altar in exchange for the life the child COULD have.
i know many birthparents and adoptive parents who have found a dear friend, even a sister through their open adoption. THEIR support systems are expanded! as Lindsey Redfern, who some of you may know as the dynamic Mrs R, has said of her sons’ birth families “THEY have adopted US! we’ve adopted each other!”.
furthermore, there is so much counsel and information available to the preparing adoptive parent. i’ve seen many a mind set on closed adoption become a changed heart at their first birthparent panel, or their first meeting with a prospective birthparent. these women cease to be an inaccurate stereotype and become humanized. i’ve seen many an adoptive father particularly, once opposed to “sharing” become the biggest cheerleader of a birthmom who’s association is felt an enhancement to their family or social circle. they no longer fear or judge, they have her her back.
birthparents have a forum and an audience to tell the stories that so need telling.
they have mentor birthmoms further on the path who they can see have survived and even thrived post placement, who can pass on their lists of “wish i woulda’s and wish i wouldn’ta”s.
we, as birthparents, receive even greater confirmation and peace to our hearts as we see with our own eyes the fruits of our sacrifice. i’ve seen those who placed in the dark ages of adoption trapped in a stagnant grief held just below the surface, and i’ve seen birthmothers of today have their aches so tempered by their joys. it’s always bittersweet but i’ve observed that the bitter to sweet ratio is directly proportional to the degree of openness.
it is indeed a great time to be a part of this community.
growing up LDS in the bible belt, if ever i happened upon another mormon, it was so exciting, instant rapport, like we were cousins or something. that’s how i feel anytime i make a new adoption association!
to give an example, i was at the baby shower of a friend and saw a clearly white woman with a clearly asian baby. of course i struck up a conversation and asked all of the right questions and discovered she had 2 LDSFS and 2 internationally adopted children, i then revealed myself as a birthmom. this brand new acquaintance grabbed me somewhat forcefully into her arms and told me through her tears “i don’t have contact with any of my childrens’ birthmoms, let me hug on you for a minute” to which i replied “i have no contact with my son’s mom, let me hug you back!”.
we have in common an experience that is uncommon. our mothers and our sisters and our friends can empathize and rejoice for us but i never feel i can find the words to adequately convey. but when i talk to another birthmom or adoptive parent, there is an understanding.
our experiences parallel in so many ways after all. as birthparents and as adoptive parents we know loss, worry, sacrifice, being misunderstood, and letting go of our plan A. we also know compensation, an increase in capacity to love, answered prayers, and gratitude. we both know the sacred privilege it is to be a parent as for some of us it was had and lost and for some it was not easily come by.
we need eachother! for women like myself who want their child to have the world but don’t have it to give, for those who pray for children but can’t conceive, and for children born into less than ideal situations, adoption is, as Isaiah says, “beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness”.
Troy Dunn, calls it prayer trading. Adoptive hopefuls pray for family, birth parents pray for the best life for their child, and through eachother the Lord answers their prayers. the beginning of both paths are troubled, a crisis pregnancy/infertility, but in hindsight we may ALL call ourselves blessed and we thank God for his wisdom and even our tribulation.
i believe in the power of sacrifice AND the principle of compensation and i believe it applies to all of us. Joseph Wirthlin, in his talk “come what may and love it” says “The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.” to that i say AMEN!
the sentiment is echoed in Matthew 19 29 says “And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name’s sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life.” (hudredfold joke; that’s alotta babies!)
when i made my choice, i knew that adoption would mean that Justin wins, he would have a wonderful family with 2 parents who had the stability, experience, maturity, and preparation he would need. i knew that his parents would win, they would receive this precious, perfect child they’d prayed for. but i believed i would be the loser in adoption, even a victim of it. but that was a deal i was prepared to strike. i fully anticipated being pretty broken from that point but it didn’t matter, if Justin wins, i win.
but i have happily found that i was very wrong. i’ve had part in the sweet as well as the bitter! i was TRANSFORMED in this experience! MY life as well as Justin’s BEGAN with this experience! i believe he was theirs before he was mine but that he came to them through me because nothing short of maternal love and responsibility would’ve shaken me awake. i found healing! the changes i made for my Justin would benefit me for the rest of my life! there was a miraculous degree of deliverance! from the confusion and pain and resentment of having grown up in abuse as well as from many of the effects of my own foolishness. Joel 2:25 And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten
my God is so kind and so concerned for me that he sent me a most precious little missionary. the few months i spent carryin around my favorite little parasite, for me, were the most significant of my life. those were my deciding months. those were the months i spent dying and being born again. my heart being broken and then made whole. this was the time of my conversion. those 9 months changed the course of my life more drastically than anything else has. i learned more in those months than i had in all the years that preceded them. i began to see truth and light where my view had been dark and distorted. i began to be me. i remember walking by the mirror in the upstairs bathroom and literally doing a double take. i saw a new countenance and i had pleasure in my reflection for the first time.
through adoption and through my son i learned love. the moment i laid my eyes on him for the first time, i felt my heart grow in my chest! i’d thought i’d known what love was, love meant i like being around them, i miss them when they are gone, i get something from the association, they’re nice to me. but this was so different in purpose and proportion. i’d have cut off my right arm for him! i’d step infront of a bus for him! i knew that i would do anything for him, anything. and i realized i’d never REALLY known love before that moment.
in placing a child with a couple who could not give eachother children i did for them what they could not do for themselves and in turn the Savior has done for me what i could not do for myself. He has said “whosoever will lose his life shall find it". the Lord has always remembered my sacrifice, and he has comforted and taught and carried and preserved me.
now this doesn’t mean i was spared from any and all hardship, not at all.
the adoption path is blessed and beautiful and miraculous, but it is also hard! and painful! but even this is part of the gift.
the night before Justin’s 14th birthday, i laid in bed remembering. something i’d done many times before but something different started to happen in my heart. i’m often emotional when i think or speak of the experience but it’s generally gratitude and sweetness that evoke my tears but this night they wouldn’t stop comin and it felt...different. it’d been years since it had...hurt really. probably like 6 or so. I’d always say “it doesn’t hurt anymore. I’m not sad anymore.” So I sat arguing with my heart that this emotion must be something other than pain. til finally i had to surrender, It hurt. it felt like a fresh wound again. i found myself holding my stomach like i used to do, feeling the empty space like he’d just been there. But there’s a beauty in this kind of pain. There HAS been healing, My pain has faded and settled into its proper place and proportion but I think I’d been wrong. I think now that perhaps it never goes away all together. and That’s ok. My burdens have been made light enough to bear and even laying grieving in my bed that night, as it was 14 years before, the bitter is tempered with a compensatory sweet. there is peace in it and gratitude is the overarching emotion.
pain makes up many of the strokes in my beautiful picture. James Gritter, Author of The Spirit of Open Adoption (if you haven’t read it, write that down) says “I would not give you a nickel for joy this side of pain, but I believe the joy on the other side of pain is a priceless blessing. To get to the genuine joy of adoption, we have to pay our dues.”
Wirthlin also talks about the power of humor in the hard times. i think some have been surprised and maybe even offended by my levity at times. when i disclose to people for the first time, they often get very heavy and honestly, kind of uncomfortable. that’s when i like to say “yep, i got knocked up”, or when i tell folx he’s 16 i like to say “yeah, i was 11 when i had him” so as not to disclose the well kept secret of my age. i have a dear friend who in their year end letter to all of their friends and family would always include some uncomfortably personal, yet hilarious commentary of their fertility treatments and/or efforts....if you know what i mean. i can’t share the details here but see me after if you wanna know. ha!
i want to borrow again from Joseph worthlin. he also speaks to the importance of patience and perspective in the hard parts; “Learning to endure times of disappointment, suffering, and sorrow is part of our on-the-job training. These experiences, while often difficult to bear at the time, are precisely the kinds of experiences that stretch our understanding, build our character, and increase our compassion for others.
Because Jesus Christ suffered greatly, He understands our suffering. He understands our grief. We experience hard things so that we too may have increased compassion and understanding for others.”
i know a birthmom who has been the shoulder to cry on for her child’s adoptive mom who still just wishes she could feel life growing inside her.
i know many adoptive parents who haven’t turned away in the face of the loss that bore their gain. they have followed the admonition of Christ as they’ve mourned with her as she’s mourned, they have lifted her hands that hang down, they have felt her burden with her. and their joy is not diminished but the fuller for it. they know the price paid for it. and they can share their joy with her. and the witness they can offer their child can be invaluable. an adoptive father shared a story with me; he was showing off their second child they’d just been placed with. a friend, looking at this cute little bundle said “she just didn’t want him huh? how could anyone not want him?” to which my friends impassioned reply was “you weren’t there. you didn’t see the anguish in her face, you didn’t hear the gut wrenching sobs”. if his child ever wonders if he’s precious, his parents have this account as one more evidence that he is.
the day i met Justin’s parents, i became aware of a silver lining. yes, i was losing a child and yes, that was very sad, but here were these 2 incredible deserving people, with whom i was immediately in love, who had waited and wondered and prayed and cried and finally, they would have what they’d dreamed. i was SO excited for them that for a moment, i forgot my own loss. i wanted to see pictures of their bliss! i wanted to see them all enjoying eachother! a portion of all of their happiness was mine!
and likewise adoptive families can not only watch and celebrate, but be a part of their birthmoms success! i’ve seen adoptive parents be such a tremendous force for good in the lives of their child’s birthparents. for some birthparents, it will be a first opportunity to be a part of a unit that functions.
and we can all do that for eachother (talk about adoption community in Mesa;totally integrated). i was allowed 5 short yrs of limited correspondence and in that time i’m afraid i might have said some pretty insensitive things. i had no understanding of so many of the dynamics of their journey and their feelings until i began to meet other adoptive parents through my volunteering.
there is SO MUCH NEED for our efforts in this work. i can say for myself, that EVERYTHING i thought i knew about adoption initially, was wrong. and i know alot of you have also had some pretty powerful misconceptions before someone shared their story with you. (yeah? who of you had some notions you are now a little embarrassed of? huh? huh?)
we encounter the unenlightened everyday, don’t we? people who will inadvertently say the most offensive things to us about adoption. i have to remind myself to cut them some slack because i once was ATLEAST as ignorant.
right out of the gate, i thought you only place for adoption if you “have to”, if there was no other possible way. only if you would absolutely be the worst of parents, and that didn’t apply to me. i thought that if i placed for adoption my son would feel abandoned and hate me. and that i would be evading responsibility. that adoptive parents might not be able to love him as much as i could
and i was difficult to educate as many of us are. these misguided attitudes, if not corrected, would have prevented me from making the best choice.
i’ve encountered many who have expressed regret saying- if they’d only known, if they’d only had accurate information- that they would have chosen differently.
one of my friend’s mothers confided in me that she wished she had done for her daughter what i’d done for my son. but she didn’t know. nobody told her.
i’ve had 2 girls after having had abortions express to me after hearing my story that they wished they’d heard it before they made their choice.
this is why i never miss a chance to educate, grocery store line, whatever, cuz you never know the need or the impact it could have.
our stories are powerful testimonies. people started calling me an advocate and i’m goin -all i’m doin is tellin my story. it’s not even hard, it’s like my favorite story.
i knew a girl who’d become pregnant as result of a rape. she didn’t want to select a family. she didn’t want to see the child. she wanted no information about or contact with the adoptive family. her caseworker twisted her arm to attend group just once. she bolted immediately after but came back to ask for my discretion as i worked at the school she attended. it is not common for me to ask a stranger for a ride and my home was easily within walking distance, but for whatever reason, i did ask. we sat in my driveway just shy of 3 hrs and i told her the miraculous blessings that had come to me and Justin’s family. her expression changed, her heart softened. she said “it hadn’t occurred to me that there was any joy to be had in this”. she now enjoys such a sweet relationship with her beautiful daughter’s family.
i worked for an amazing wilderness therapy program in AZ called the Anasazi Foundation for a few yrs. in that time, i believe i only shared my adoption story 4 times. from each of those there was a girl who would later become pregnant. 2 of them placed for adoption and the 2 who did not could atleast have the peace of having made a more informed decision, having had more information. one of the girls who placed told me that immediately her mind took her back to that night around the fire and she remembered how her heart felt.
i’ve been tracked down by a girl who reported that, had i not come to her HS and told my story, she’d have never set foot in an agency 2 yrs later when she found herself pregnant.
there's a video on youtube in which i share some of my thoughts and experiences with adoption. there are comments below relating how that video had been instrumental in the choice they made.
there was a couple back home who were hoping to adopt. the wife was open to open adoption but the husband would say “why do i hafta share? will they be my children or won’t they? i don’t want some girl lookin over my shoulder, monitoring my parenting. etc”. his clever wife invited me over for family night to tell my story. fast forward a yr or so and he’s askin me “how can we hear more from our birthmom, we want to know how she is, did we do something wrong?!”
i was asked by my bishop to speak about adoption in sacrament mtg. 3 weeks later i sat by a woman i’d never seen before in Relief Society. the girl teaching the lesson mentioned my adoption talk. immediately after RS the woman turned to me and asked if i was the girl who’d spoken on adoption 3 weeks previous. she was visiting her sister who was in my congregation. her parents had been visiting the Sunday i spoke. she gratefully told me “i’m an adoptive mother. my folks have never really understood the legitimacy of adoption and particularly not open adoption. you taught them more in 10 minutes than i’ve been able to in 10 yrs. thank you.” for them, it was only the story, told first hand, from the perspective of a birthmother that would change their heart.
my mother’s had opportunity to share her experience with those who’s children are in crisis pregnancy. she can give them a heads up about the attitudes and approaches that worked, and those she regrets.
the stories of both birthparents post-placement and those adoptive parents who’ve already been placed with are SO helpful to those who are considering placing and those hoping to adopt.
ok, i’m tootin my own horn a bit with these stories but they illustrate the tremendous impact we can have on others. and honestly, these experiences are so gratifying!
"it’s by small and simple means that great things are brought to pass."
i know it can be really daunting to expose ourselves sometimes.
people WILL judge a birthmom. though in my mind my adoption story has NOTHING to do with sin, that’s the first place alot of minds will go. neither bringing a child into the world nor placing a child for adoption are transgressions, on the contrary, it is the holiest thing i’ve ever been a part of . i have no shame attached to this story, it is about what i did right, not what i did wrong, that part is gone from me. but some will try to pick up something ugly and stick it to me.
as adoptive parents your journey through infertility really is nobody's business, except that for all you know, the person you’re talking to may’ve just received the diagnosis.
these stories are our pearls and yes, if we give people access, some of them will not understand and some will say hurtful things, i used to get angry or hurt, now, i get on my soap box. it’s teachin time!
my "coming out of the closet" was a gradual process. i remember 3 months out, i moved west and thought “ok, i’ll leave that behind me, nobody here needs to know”. well first of all I needed the telling! this is something you HAVE to talk about but also, again, people needed me, they needed my story. so for a few yrs i would talk about it in group or even to rooms full of strangers but many of my friends didn’t know. i was never ashamed but i did fear judgement and being misunderstood. though i’d been VERY active in advocacy, speaking, writing, whatever, it was actually not until i did some more high profile things that i was like “well, here goes, i’m goin public”. i stopped skirting it in conversation, i posted stuff on my fb, and now, to be honest....sometimes i steer the conversation in that direction. it was interesting to find, as is so often the case, that what we feared is actually not even that scary once we face it, especially when you think of what can be gained. i’ve experienced more reactions of compassion and admiration than those of misunderstanding and meanness (though there have been those as well)
i say, wear your adoption t-shirts, sport those bumper stickers, answer frankly in the grocery store line when asked where your baby gets that hair from.
we are under-represented and misrepresented in the media, all we got is Juno and 16 and pregnant, we have alot of work to do.
we can change someones mind even in our tone. i don’t whisper shame-facedly “yeah, um, i placed a baby for adoption”. i show people from the beginning of the conversation that i am blessed by my choice and that i don’t regret it.
i’m well versed in the stats and studies, i practically have prepared statements in response to some of the most common misconceptions should they come up. (only after years of being over emotional and fumbling over my words of course)
i became an adoption advocate before i’d ever even heard the term. i’d just been blessed in biblical proportion and i was like “cool! thanx! that was awesome!” and for a couple yrs people would, through the most random means, cross my path and they’d have some perspective or insight or comfort to give me and i was like “wow, that’s so nice!”. but then...another sorta folx started gettin put in my path, folx who I could support, whose burdens I was equipped to share, who needed MY story. it became apparent to me that my having been blessed so much came with a responsibility.
“For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required” (Luke 12:48- not spiderman like i’d thought)
or as the hymn says “because i have been given much i too must give”.
it may be hard sometimes but hello...we are adoption people...we’re not scareda hard!
i was speaking at a conference once and i was addressing adoptive hopefuls in regard to open adoption, I made the point in regard to the concern that open adoption can be hard, that placing a child for adoption, the very thing that would make adoption possible for them... is also kinda hard. I made the point that I’d learned I was capable of doing very hard things and encouraged them not to be….chickens. then, I sat down and the next presenter came in and talked about foster adoption. As I sat there, in my mind, I could hear my own hypocritical voice saying “wow, people who adopt from foster care are amazing but I could never do that. That would be way ‘too hard’”. I changed my mind. If I’m able to be married, I will be more than open to doing foster or international adoption.
Open adoption CAN be hard. You wanna know why? Cuz it’s a human relationship! Having siblings is hard! Shoot, having neighbors can be hard. Does this mean we eliminate these relationships? of course not. We apply the same principles to an open adoption relationship that we apply to relationships with any human being. Patience, empathy, reasonable boundaries, and above all communication. As in any relationship, an open adoption where there is entitlement, pride, envy, competition, and lack of consideration on either side, will fail. we don’t hit a bump and go “well, we tried open. it doesn’t work for us”.
So, open adoption, it might be hard.
Going through infertility and the adoption process, hard!
Foster/international/or special needs adoption can be even harder.
Placing a child for adoption….HARD!
But what are we in it for? An easy time? No, we are ALL in it for the best interest of the child.
We don’t place babies, as birthmoms, so that WE can have fun and time and money, or to have greater ease in education, employment, and social life. Adoptive parents don’t adopt to fill THEIR need. We don’t do open adoptions JUST cuz we like eachother. These are all happy bi-products but they are not reason enough on their own. We do these hard things because our children need it. And I have found that we are qualified and made equal to the task. Our resources are miraculously expanded and our losses are miraculously made up, our heartaches are abundantly compensated for.
one of my main initial resistances to adoption was fear of my own weakness. i thought “right or wrong...i can’t, it’s too hard”. i was shown that “the Lord giveth no commandment save he shall prepare a way”. if He brings you to it, He’ll bring you through it. i didn’t have the strength OR the wisdom, but He did. HE sustained me and through him, i did the impossible, i defied my own heart and very instinct.
i gotta give a quick shout out for OPEN ADOPTION
when my cousin was reuniting with her birthmom, my uncle was pretty uncomfortable with it. he said “she’s ours. i don’t want to share her”. i replied “you share her with all of us and there’s no less of her to go around!”. let’s not be greedy! Love is an unlimited, renewable resource. we are ALL family anyway. Justin wasn't mine, he isn't theirs, and I am not my own. adoptive parents AND birthparents must always recognize that they are merely stewards over one of God’s children. If we esteem every man as a brother and we are our brother's keeper, we are ready for open adoption. but i imagine i’m preachin to the choir here.
i want to tell you briefly and in closing what my son’s adoptive family has been to me and what you have the opportunity to be for YOUR birthparents.
They are an extension of my family in a way I cannot explain. i have total confidence in them and in my decision. i NEVER worry about him. i wasn’t choosing a family, i was finding the family that God had chosen. the biology that Justin and I share is real and significant, it’s a connection that should not be denied, but it is nothing to the mantle, stewardship, and intuition his parents have. biology does not have to exist for complete and genuine family love to. blood is thicker than water but family is something thicker still.
it was a matter of good, better, best. i would have been good. they were better. i would have been enough. he has the best.
i imagine it this way; before we came here to this mortal/earth experience, God says “Tamra, you’ll have a tough assignment, you’ll go to parents who are sad and confused, your little soul’s gonna get hurt, you’re gonna stumble, you’re gonna get lost. but don’t worry Tamra, your sister Debbie (A-mom) and your Brothers Gale (A-dad) and Justin (our boy) have volunteered for the rescue effort. Debbie and Gale will wait and pray and cry and wonder and they will share their Justin with you. he will come as your missionary on his way home, and though you won’t love yourself enough to get well, you’ll love him enough. and you’ll remember Me, and I will heal you”.
Matthew 18:5 And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me.
on this side, it looks like MY gift, MY sacrifice, but when we return i imagine we will see more clearly that it was them who gave to me, their sacrifice. THEY shared him with ME! how can i say my gratitude?!
i figure adoption is the work of eternal families and the work of reclaiming lost and wounded souls. what could be higher on the priority list of The Most High? there are no coincidences in adoption. it sure ain’t random and it certainly wasn’t MY genius that orchestrated it all, i can’t even keep my ROOM in order! God is all up in this business. it’s His business! and He’s good at it!
do not be short-sighted and misunderstand. right now you may be drinking from the bitter cup or carrying your cross but those of us on this side of the tribulation know that we are the lucky ones. so my message today is- fear not, and look forward with hope for the time when inspite of all tears shed, you may with your new and cherished associations call yourselves blessed.
when i placed for adoption, there was no community, or if there was, i had no knowledge of or access to it.
i was honored but surprised to have been asked to do this. i was beginning to think i was becoming obsolete as the stories you will have will look very different than mine.
in these 16 yrs since I placed, the face of adoption has been beautified and come out of obscurity but that was a ball that had started rolling even years earlier, first very gradually and with much resistance and then in my opinion, very rapidly, particularly if you consider that for generations and generations, adoption had been done in the same way. there were always exceptions but the rule was that adoption was an institution of shame, mystery, misconception, and secrecy.
many of the women who placed in those days did so not because of a conviction that it was right for them or their child but as a result of social, religious, or family pressure, as a way to conceal the unwed pregnancy as the stigma was far greater then. these women would have little peace in their choice as it had not truly been theirs.
birthparents had no representation, no voice, no face. they were mysterious even to themselves as they were encouraged to practice denial and shroud the most defining experience of their lives.
they would begin each day with the burden to carry alone of a secret and a broken heart and a thousand nagging unanswered questions as to the whereabouts and well being of their offspring.
often having never said hello, never said goodbye. the child they carried had no face, no name, and in many cases not even a gender.
the assumption on the receiving end, where there was a total absence of a true story, was often that the child was abandoned, unwanted, and unloved by whatever creature could be so heartless. often, the parents were encouraged to conceal the tragic truth so as to protect the child from the knowledge that they were..... (adopted). this had an incalculable detrimental affect on many adopted children. when at age 8, 18, or 80 they discover the true beginning of their own story, they would feel confused, betrayed, and ashamed. the people they’d trusted most in the world had withheld from them information about their very identity. who they were was a skeleton in the closet, something to hide, not to be spoken of. it must be an awful shame.
or if they had known, perhaps it was whispered about, spoken of like a disease or a handicap.
The mind tends to fixate on the mysterious or the forbidden. to many adopted children with no actual birthparent representation, she became a fantasy or a villain, as needed. she is sometimes the favorite scapegoat or the reason for all their problems. or perhaps she would be pegged into the catch-all stereotype of the knocked up 15 yr old who’s surely now living in squalor or died of an overdose.
In my observation, it is very difficult for adopted children to not identify themselves to some degree by their impression of their birthmom so as you can imagine, this would be less than awesome for ones self esteem.
Or conversely she would be the favorable alternative to the adolescent mind’s perceived oppression. “if i were with her, SHE’d understand me!”. i attended an adult adoptee panel where a woman expressed that as a child, she was convinced that Whitney Houston was her birthmom..... she was white.
For adoptive parents, there was most often a total lack of preparation, no counseling or education-”just pretend it’s ‘normal’. you’ll figure it out”. insecurities and grief related to infertility were not addressed and did not disappear automatically with the placement of a child. many went into adoption hoping to overcompensate for or cover up their “problem”. “now we can be normal”. but adoption isn’t normal, it’s unusual, it’s different. it’s wonderful, but it’s not normal. any effort to make it so invites a culture of denial which transfers to a child who feels like plan B. it can be awesome without being normal. sometimes i secretly wonder if it's not better than normal and some studies would suggest that it is.
they often could not embrace and celebrate adoption if they had not had the opportunity to grieve and bury their plan A, often carrying the feeling that their non-biological family was somehow second rate. these parents would likely not be prepared to have a birthparent in their circle, even if she were made available. they might feel threatened by, in competition with, or resentful of her.
And they were subject to drawing the same conclusions about this entity, this figment, this birthmom who almost existed in a different realm if at all.
boy.... that was a downer. i do not mean to say that adoptions done in these less enlightened times were not often replete with miracles as well, because i personally know of many that were.
BUT! rejoice! for we are the beneficiaries of evolution! a trail has been blazed by those who sensed something was not quite right in the established way. adoptees who could not have access even to their own medical history. adoptive parents who came to realize more resources were necessary to do their best, and birthparents who FINALLY removed the scarlet letter and broke the silence. as well as professionals who saw the ethical flaws in their practices. we owe these pioneers our recognition and gratitude and our continued efforts toward progress in these matters.
adopted children now know they have a larger than usual support system, they have extras. they know that they came FROM love TO love. adoption is one of the things that makes them special, not 2nd class. they can talk about it openly and have their questions answered. they are allowed to love and be loved by she who put her heart on the altar in exchange for the life the child COULD have.
i know many birthparents and adoptive parents who have found a dear friend, even a sister through their open adoption. THEIR support systems are expanded! as Lindsey Redfern, who some of you may know as the dynamic Mrs R, has said of her sons’ birth families “THEY have adopted US! we’ve adopted each other!”.
furthermore, there is so much counsel and information available to the preparing adoptive parent. i’ve seen many a mind set on closed adoption become a changed heart at their first birthparent panel, or their first meeting with a prospective birthparent. these women cease to be an inaccurate stereotype and become humanized. i’ve seen many an adoptive father particularly, once opposed to “sharing” become the biggest cheerleader of a birthmom who’s association is felt an enhancement to their family or social circle. they no longer fear or judge, they have her her back.
birthparents have a forum and an audience to tell the stories that so need telling.
they have mentor birthmoms further on the path who they can see have survived and even thrived post placement, who can pass on their lists of “wish i woulda’s and wish i wouldn’ta”s.
we, as birthparents, receive even greater confirmation and peace to our hearts as we see with our own eyes the fruits of our sacrifice. i’ve seen those who placed in the dark ages of adoption trapped in a stagnant grief held just below the surface, and i’ve seen birthmothers of today have their aches so tempered by their joys. it’s always bittersweet but i’ve observed that the bitter to sweet ratio is directly proportional to the degree of openness.
it is indeed a great time to be a part of this community.
growing up LDS in the bible belt, if ever i happened upon another mormon, it was so exciting, instant rapport, like we were cousins or something. that’s how i feel anytime i make a new adoption association!
to give an example, i was at the baby shower of a friend and saw a clearly white woman with a clearly asian baby. of course i struck up a conversation and asked all of the right questions and discovered she had 2 LDSFS and 2 internationally adopted children, i then revealed myself as a birthmom. this brand new acquaintance grabbed me somewhat forcefully into her arms and told me through her tears “i don’t have contact with any of my childrens’ birthmoms, let me hug on you for a minute” to which i replied “i have no contact with my son’s mom, let me hug you back!”.
we have in common an experience that is uncommon. our mothers and our sisters and our friends can empathize and rejoice for us but i never feel i can find the words to adequately convey. but when i talk to another birthmom or adoptive parent, there is an understanding.
our experiences parallel in so many ways after all. as birthparents and as adoptive parents we know loss, worry, sacrifice, being misunderstood, and letting go of our plan A. we also know compensation, an increase in capacity to love, answered prayers, and gratitude. we both know the sacred privilege it is to be a parent as for some of us it was had and lost and for some it was not easily come by.
we need eachother! for women like myself who want their child to have the world but don’t have it to give, for those who pray for children but can’t conceive, and for children born into less than ideal situations, adoption is, as Isaiah says, “beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness”.
Troy Dunn, calls it prayer trading. Adoptive hopefuls pray for family, birth parents pray for the best life for their child, and through eachother the Lord answers their prayers. the beginning of both paths are troubled, a crisis pregnancy/infertility, but in hindsight we may ALL call ourselves blessed and we thank God for his wisdom and even our tribulation.
i believe in the power of sacrifice AND the principle of compensation and i believe it applies to all of us. Joseph Wirthlin, in his talk “come what may and love it” says “The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.” to that i say AMEN!
the sentiment is echoed in Matthew 19 29 says “And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name’s sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life.” (hudredfold joke; that’s alotta babies!)
when i made my choice, i knew that adoption would mean that Justin wins, he would have a wonderful family with 2 parents who had the stability, experience, maturity, and preparation he would need. i knew that his parents would win, they would receive this precious, perfect child they’d prayed for. but i believed i would be the loser in adoption, even a victim of it. but that was a deal i was prepared to strike. i fully anticipated being pretty broken from that point but it didn’t matter, if Justin wins, i win.
but i have happily found that i was very wrong. i’ve had part in the sweet as well as the bitter! i was TRANSFORMED in this experience! MY life as well as Justin’s BEGAN with this experience! i believe he was theirs before he was mine but that he came to them through me because nothing short of maternal love and responsibility would’ve shaken me awake. i found healing! the changes i made for my Justin would benefit me for the rest of my life! there was a miraculous degree of deliverance! from the confusion and pain and resentment of having grown up in abuse as well as from many of the effects of my own foolishness. Joel 2:25 And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten
my God is so kind and so concerned for me that he sent me a most precious little missionary. the few months i spent carryin around my favorite little parasite, for me, were the most significant of my life. those were my deciding months. those were the months i spent dying and being born again. my heart being broken and then made whole. this was the time of my conversion. those 9 months changed the course of my life more drastically than anything else has. i learned more in those months than i had in all the years that preceded them. i began to see truth and light where my view had been dark and distorted. i began to be me. i remember walking by the mirror in the upstairs bathroom and literally doing a double take. i saw a new countenance and i had pleasure in my reflection for the first time.
through adoption and through my son i learned love. the moment i laid my eyes on him for the first time, i felt my heart grow in my chest! i’d thought i’d known what love was, love meant i like being around them, i miss them when they are gone, i get something from the association, they’re nice to me. but this was so different in purpose and proportion. i’d have cut off my right arm for him! i’d step infront of a bus for him! i knew that i would do anything for him, anything. and i realized i’d never REALLY known love before that moment.
in placing a child with a couple who could not give eachother children i did for them what they could not do for themselves and in turn the Savior has done for me what i could not do for myself. He has said “whosoever will lose his life shall find it". the Lord has always remembered my sacrifice, and he has comforted and taught and carried and preserved me.
now this doesn’t mean i was spared from any and all hardship, not at all.
the adoption path is blessed and beautiful and miraculous, but it is also hard! and painful! but even this is part of the gift.
the night before Justin’s 14th birthday, i laid in bed remembering. something i’d done many times before but something different started to happen in my heart. i’m often emotional when i think or speak of the experience but it’s generally gratitude and sweetness that evoke my tears but this night they wouldn’t stop comin and it felt...different. it’d been years since it had...hurt really. probably like 6 or so. I’d always say “it doesn’t hurt anymore. I’m not sad anymore.” So I sat arguing with my heart that this emotion must be something other than pain. til finally i had to surrender, It hurt. it felt like a fresh wound again. i found myself holding my stomach like i used to do, feeling the empty space like he’d just been there. But there’s a beauty in this kind of pain. There HAS been healing, My pain has faded and settled into its proper place and proportion but I think I’d been wrong. I think now that perhaps it never goes away all together. and That’s ok. My burdens have been made light enough to bear and even laying grieving in my bed that night, as it was 14 years before, the bitter is tempered with a compensatory sweet. there is peace in it and gratitude is the overarching emotion.
pain makes up many of the strokes in my beautiful picture. James Gritter, Author of The Spirit of Open Adoption (if you haven’t read it, write that down) says “I would not give you a nickel for joy this side of pain, but I believe the joy on the other side of pain is a priceless blessing. To get to the genuine joy of adoption, we have to pay our dues.”
Wirthlin also talks about the power of humor in the hard times. i think some have been surprised and maybe even offended by my levity at times. when i disclose to people for the first time, they often get very heavy and honestly, kind of uncomfortable. that’s when i like to say “yep, i got knocked up”, or when i tell folx he’s 16 i like to say “yeah, i was 11 when i had him” so as not to disclose the well kept secret of my age. i have a dear friend who in their year end letter to all of their friends and family would always include some uncomfortably personal, yet hilarious commentary of their fertility treatments and/or efforts....if you know what i mean. i can’t share the details here but see me after if you wanna know. ha!
i want to borrow again from Joseph worthlin. he also speaks to the importance of patience and perspective in the hard parts; “Learning to endure times of disappointment, suffering, and sorrow is part of our on-the-job training. These experiences, while often difficult to bear at the time, are precisely the kinds of experiences that stretch our understanding, build our character, and increase our compassion for others.
Because Jesus Christ suffered greatly, He understands our suffering. He understands our grief. We experience hard things so that we too may have increased compassion and understanding for others.”
i know a birthmom who has been the shoulder to cry on for her child’s adoptive mom who still just wishes she could feel life growing inside her.
i know many adoptive parents who haven’t turned away in the face of the loss that bore their gain. they have followed the admonition of Christ as they’ve mourned with her as she’s mourned, they have lifted her hands that hang down, they have felt her burden with her. and their joy is not diminished but the fuller for it. they know the price paid for it. and they can share their joy with her. and the witness they can offer their child can be invaluable. an adoptive father shared a story with me; he was showing off their second child they’d just been placed with. a friend, looking at this cute little bundle said “she just didn’t want him huh? how could anyone not want him?” to which my friends impassioned reply was “you weren’t there. you didn’t see the anguish in her face, you didn’t hear the gut wrenching sobs”. if his child ever wonders if he’s precious, his parents have this account as one more evidence that he is.
the day i met Justin’s parents, i became aware of a silver lining. yes, i was losing a child and yes, that was very sad, but here were these 2 incredible deserving people, with whom i was immediately in love, who had waited and wondered and prayed and cried and finally, they would have what they’d dreamed. i was SO excited for them that for a moment, i forgot my own loss. i wanted to see pictures of their bliss! i wanted to see them all enjoying eachother! a portion of all of their happiness was mine!
and likewise adoptive families can not only watch and celebrate, but be a part of their birthmoms success! i’ve seen adoptive parents be such a tremendous force for good in the lives of their child’s birthparents. for some birthparents, it will be a first opportunity to be a part of a unit that functions.
and we can all do that for eachother (talk about adoption community in Mesa;totally integrated). i was allowed 5 short yrs of limited correspondence and in that time i’m afraid i might have said some pretty insensitive things. i had no understanding of so many of the dynamics of their journey and their feelings until i began to meet other adoptive parents through my volunteering.
there is SO MUCH NEED for our efforts in this work. i can say for myself, that EVERYTHING i thought i knew about adoption initially, was wrong. and i know alot of you have also had some pretty powerful misconceptions before someone shared their story with you. (yeah? who of you had some notions you are now a little embarrassed of? huh? huh?)
we encounter the unenlightened everyday, don’t we? people who will inadvertently say the most offensive things to us about adoption. i have to remind myself to cut them some slack because i once was ATLEAST as ignorant.
right out of the gate, i thought you only place for adoption if you “have to”, if there was no other possible way. only if you would absolutely be the worst of parents, and that didn’t apply to me. i thought that if i placed for adoption my son would feel abandoned and hate me. and that i would be evading responsibility. that adoptive parents might not be able to love him as much as i could
and i was difficult to educate as many of us are. these misguided attitudes, if not corrected, would have prevented me from making the best choice.
i’ve encountered many who have expressed regret saying- if they’d only known, if they’d only had accurate information- that they would have chosen differently.
one of my friend’s mothers confided in me that she wished she had done for her daughter what i’d done for my son. but she didn’t know. nobody told her.
i’ve had 2 girls after having had abortions express to me after hearing my story that they wished they’d heard it before they made their choice.
this is why i never miss a chance to educate, grocery store line, whatever, cuz you never know the need or the impact it could have.
our stories are powerful testimonies. people started calling me an advocate and i’m goin -all i’m doin is tellin my story. it’s not even hard, it’s like my favorite story.
i knew a girl who’d become pregnant as result of a rape. she didn’t want to select a family. she didn’t want to see the child. she wanted no information about or contact with the adoptive family. her caseworker twisted her arm to attend group just once. she bolted immediately after but came back to ask for my discretion as i worked at the school she attended. it is not common for me to ask a stranger for a ride and my home was easily within walking distance, but for whatever reason, i did ask. we sat in my driveway just shy of 3 hrs and i told her the miraculous blessings that had come to me and Justin’s family. her expression changed, her heart softened. she said “it hadn’t occurred to me that there was any joy to be had in this”. she now enjoys such a sweet relationship with her beautiful daughter’s family.
i worked for an amazing wilderness therapy program in AZ called the Anasazi Foundation for a few yrs. in that time, i believe i only shared my adoption story 4 times. from each of those there was a girl who would later become pregnant. 2 of them placed for adoption and the 2 who did not could atleast have the peace of having made a more informed decision, having had more information. one of the girls who placed told me that immediately her mind took her back to that night around the fire and she remembered how her heart felt.
i’ve been tracked down by a girl who reported that, had i not come to her HS and told my story, she’d have never set foot in an agency 2 yrs later when she found herself pregnant.
there's a video on youtube in which i share some of my thoughts and experiences with adoption. there are comments below relating how that video had been instrumental in the choice they made.
there was a couple back home who were hoping to adopt. the wife was open to open adoption but the husband would say “why do i hafta share? will they be my children or won’t they? i don’t want some girl lookin over my shoulder, monitoring my parenting. etc”. his clever wife invited me over for family night to tell my story. fast forward a yr or so and he’s askin me “how can we hear more from our birthmom, we want to know how she is, did we do something wrong?!”
i was asked by my bishop to speak about adoption in sacrament mtg. 3 weeks later i sat by a woman i’d never seen before in Relief Society. the girl teaching the lesson mentioned my adoption talk. immediately after RS the woman turned to me and asked if i was the girl who’d spoken on adoption 3 weeks previous. she was visiting her sister who was in my congregation. her parents had been visiting the Sunday i spoke. she gratefully told me “i’m an adoptive mother. my folks have never really understood the legitimacy of adoption and particularly not open adoption. you taught them more in 10 minutes than i’ve been able to in 10 yrs. thank you.” for them, it was only the story, told first hand, from the perspective of a birthmother that would change their heart.
my mother’s had opportunity to share her experience with those who’s children are in crisis pregnancy. she can give them a heads up about the attitudes and approaches that worked, and those she regrets.
the stories of both birthparents post-placement and those adoptive parents who’ve already been placed with are SO helpful to those who are considering placing and those hoping to adopt.
ok, i’m tootin my own horn a bit with these stories but they illustrate the tremendous impact we can have on others. and honestly, these experiences are so gratifying!
"it’s by small and simple means that great things are brought to pass."
i know it can be really daunting to expose ourselves sometimes.
people WILL judge a birthmom. though in my mind my adoption story has NOTHING to do with sin, that’s the first place alot of minds will go. neither bringing a child into the world nor placing a child for adoption are transgressions, on the contrary, it is the holiest thing i’ve ever been a part of . i have no shame attached to this story, it is about what i did right, not what i did wrong, that part is gone from me. but some will try to pick up something ugly and stick it to me.
as adoptive parents your journey through infertility really is nobody's business, except that for all you know, the person you’re talking to may’ve just received the diagnosis.
these stories are our pearls and yes, if we give people access, some of them will not understand and some will say hurtful things, i used to get angry or hurt, now, i get on my soap box. it’s teachin time!
my "coming out of the closet" was a gradual process. i remember 3 months out, i moved west and thought “ok, i’ll leave that behind me, nobody here needs to know”. well first of all I needed the telling! this is something you HAVE to talk about but also, again, people needed me, they needed my story. so for a few yrs i would talk about it in group or even to rooms full of strangers but many of my friends didn’t know. i was never ashamed but i did fear judgement and being misunderstood. though i’d been VERY active in advocacy, speaking, writing, whatever, it was actually not until i did some more high profile things that i was like “well, here goes, i’m goin public”. i stopped skirting it in conversation, i posted stuff on my fb, and now, to be honest....sometimes i steer the conversation in that direction. it was interesting to find, as is so often the case, that what we feared is actually not even that scary once we face it, especially when you think of what can be gained. i’ve experienced more reactions of compassion and admiration than those of misunderstanding and meanness (though there have been those as well)
i say, wear your adoption t-shirts, sport those bumper stickers, answer frankly in the grocery store line when asked where your baby gets that hair from.
we are under-represented and misrepresented in the media, all we got is Juno and 16 and pregnant, we have alot of work to do.
we can change someones mind even in our tone. i don’t whisper shame-facedly “yeah, um, i placed a baby for adoption”. i show people from the beginning of the conversation that i am blessed by my choice and that i don’t regret it.
i’m well versed in the stats and studies, i practically have prepared statements in response to some of the most common misconceptions should they come up. (only after years of being over emotional and fumbling over my words of course)
i became an adoption advocate before i’d ever even heard the term. i’d just been blessed in biblical proportion and i was like “cool! thanx! that was awesome!” and for a couple yrs people would, through the most random means, cross my path and they’d have some perspective or insight or comfort to give me and i was like “wow, that’s so nice!”. but then...another sorta folx started gettin put in my path, folx who I could support, whose burdens I was equipped to share, who needed MY story. it became apparent to me that my having been blessed so much came with a responsibility.
“For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required” (Luke 12:48- not spiderman like i’d thought)
or as the hymn says “because i have been given much i too must give”.
it may be hard sometimes but hello...we are adoption people...we’re not scareda hard!
i was speaking at a conference once and i was addressing adoptive hopefuls in regard to open adoption, I made the point in regard to the concern that open adoption can be hard, that placing a child for adoption, the very thing that would make adoption possible for them... is also kinda hard. I made the point that I’d learned I was capable of doing very hard things and encouraged them not to be….chickens. then, I sat down and the next presenter came in and talked about foster adoption. As I sat there, in my mind, I could hear my own hypocritical voice saying “wow, people who adopt from foster care are amazing but I could never do that. That would be way ‘too hard’”. I changed my mind. If I’m able to be married, I will be more than open to doing foster or international adoption.
Open adoption CAN be hard. You wanna know why? Cuz it’s a human relationship! Having siblings is hard! Shoot, having neighbors can be hard. Does this mean we eliminate these relationships? of course not. We apply the same principles to an open adoption relationship that we apply to relationships with any human being. Patience, empathy, reasonable boundaries, and above all communication. As in any relationship, an open adoption where there is entitlement, pride, envy, competition, and lack of consideration on either side, will fail. we don’t hit a bump and go “well, we tried open. it doesn’t work for us”.
So, open adoption, it might be hard.
Going through infertility and the adoption process, hard!
Foster/international/or special needs adoption can be even harder.
Placing a child for adoption….HARD!
But what are we in it for? An easy time? No, we are ALL in it for the best interest of the child.
We don’t place babies, as birthmoms, so that WE can have fun and time and money, or to have greater ease in education, employment, and social life. Adoptive parents don’t adopt to fill THEIR need. We don’t do open adoptions JUST cuz we like eachother. These are all happy bi-products but they are not reason enough on their own. We do these hard things because our children need it. And I have found that we are qualified and made equal to the task. Our resources are miraculously expanded and our losses are miraculously made up, our heartaches are abundantly compensated for.
one of my main initial resistances to adoption was fear of my own weakness. i thought “right or wrong...i can’t, it’s too hard”. i was shown that “the Lord giveth no commandment save he shall prepare a way”. if He brings you to it, He’ll bring you through it. i didn’t have the strength OR the wisdom, but He did. HE sustained me and through him, i did the impossible, i defied my own heart and very instinct.
i gotta give a quick shout out for OPEN ADOPTION
when my cousin was reuniting with her birthmom, my uncle was pretty uncomfortable with it. he said “she’s ours. i don’t want to share her”. i replied “you share her with all of us and there’s no less of her to go around!”. let’s not be greedy! Love is an unlimited, renewable resource. we are ALL family anyway. Justin wasn't mine, he isn't theirs, and I am not my own. adoptive parents AND birthparents must always recognize that they are merely stewards over one of God’s children. If we esteem every man as a brother and we are our brother's keeper, we are ready for open adoption. but i imagine i’m preachin to the choir here.
i want to tell you briefly and in closing what my son’s adoptive family has been to me and what you have the opportunity to be for YOUR birthparents.
They are an extension of my family in a way I cannot explain. i have total confidence in them and in my decision. i NEVER worry about him. i wasn’t choosing a family, i was finding the family that God had chosen. the biology that Justin and I share is real and significant, it’s a connection that should not be denied, but it is nothing to the mantle, stewardship, and intuition his parents have. biology does not have to exist for complete and genuine family love to. blood is thicker than water but family is something thicker still.
it was a matter of good, better, best. i would have been good. they were better. i would have been enough. he has the best.
i imagine it this way; before we came here to this mortal/earth experience, God says “Tamra, you’ll have a tough assignment, you’ll go to parents who are sad and confused, your little soul’s gonna get hurt, you’re gonna stumble, you’re gonna get lost. but don’t worry Tamra, your sister Debbie (A-mom) and your Brothers Gale (A-dad) and Justin (our boy) have volunteered for the rescue effort. Debbie and Gale will wait and pray and cry and wonder and they will share their Justin with you. he will come as your missionary on his way home, and though you won’t love yourself enough to get well, you’ll love him enough. and you’ll remember Me, and I will heal you”.
Matthew 18:5 And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me.
on this side, it looks like MY gift, MY sacrifice, but when we return i imagine we will see more clearly that it was them who gave to me, their sacrifice. THEY shared him with ME! how can i say my gratitude?!
i figure adoption is the work of eternal families and the work of reclaiming lost and wounded souls. what could be higher on the priority list of The Most High? there are no coincidences in adoption. it sure ain’t random and it certainly wasn’t MY genius that orchestrated it all, i can’t even keep my ROOM in order! God is all up in this business. it’s His business! and He’s good at it!
do not be short-sighted and misunderstand. right now you may be drinking from the bitter cup or carrying your cross but those of us on this side of the tribulation know that we are the lucky ones. so my message today is- fear not, and look forward with hope for the time when inspite of all tears shed, you may with your new and cherished associations call yourselves blessed.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
talk i wrote for church
Bishop came over the other day and asked if i’d like to talk in sacrament mtg. i was all “oh...”, then he said “about adoption" and i was like “ok!” some of you will already know my passion for this topic. adoption is the cause i am most anxiously engaged in. i’ve been speaking to all sorts of audiences about adoption for the last 13 yrs or so, however, never before in a sacrament mtg, in fact, i've never heard it addressed in sacrament meeting. i’m praying the material i share is appropriate, uplifting, and relevant to y’all.
in a Jan 08 ensign article entitled “why Adoption”, Fred Riley, then commissioner of LDS Family Services, said that adoption is a profound gospel principle. He points out that when the prophet Elijah restored the sealing keys, these keys encompassed adoption. And one of the ways in which Jesus Christ is our Father is through adoption, for we become His sons and His daughters when we are adopted into the family of Christ.
Additionally, Church members who are not direct descendants of Israel may be adopted into the house of Israel through their faith. From the time of Adam, adoption has been a priesthood ordinance,” says Brother Riley. “It’s a principle of the gospel that probably all of us will experience at some point as we’re literally adopted into our Heavenly Father’s kingdom.
D&C 84 34 says in regard to covenant keepers “They become the sons of Moses and of Aaron and the seed of Abraham,”
in Abraham 2 10 the Lord promises Abraham, “And I will bless them through thy name; for as many as receive this Gospel shall be called after thy name, and shall be accounted thy seed, and shall rise up and bless thee, as their father;”
Mosiah 5 7 says “And now, because of the covenant which ye have made ye shall be called the children of Christ, his sons, and his daughters; for behold, this day he hath spiritually begotten you; therefore, ye are born of him and have become his sons and his daughters.
we are all adopted children, if we play our cards right. and it is in no way second rate, we are of the covenant Abrahamic family as though we were born into it, likewise, when a child is sealed to their parents, they are parent and child, eternally and inseparably. never ask an adoptive parent if they hope to have one of “their own”, they already do. biology does not have to exist for complete and genuine family love to. if we have eternal perspective, we remember that we are ALL family anyway and that we are charged to be our brothers keeper.
15 yrs ago i sent the flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone home with his eternal family. the biology we share is real and significant, it’s a connection that should not be denied, but it is nothing to the keys and stewardship his parents have over him. blood is thicker than water but the sealing covenant is thicker still. through the holy ghost and the tender mercy of the Lord, i was lead to his parents and it was revealed to me that he was theirs before he was mine. i did not share him with them, they shared him with me. i believe he came to them through me because nothing short of maternal love and responsibility would’ve shaken me awake. my Father is so kind and so concerned for me that he sent me a most precious little missionary. on his way home, from God’s arms to his parents', i was privileged to hold him in mine.
through adoption and through my son i learned love. the moment i my eyes laid on him for the first time, i knew that i would do anything for him, anything. i’d never felt that kind of love before. some think that in order to make such a choice, my maternal affections and connection must have been to some degree deficient but what they don’t understand is that it is BECAUSE i loved him that much that i was able to break my own heart, had i loved him an ounce less, i couldn’t’ve done it. whatever the choice, it is the best interest of the child that should be the paramount consideration, even if it means we hurt.
i know that there are surely those in the congregation who have been faced with this difficult and heart wrenching decision, or have loved ones who have, and have gone another way. please perceive no judgement. i wish only to present the doctrines of adoption and my own experience with it. i sincerely hope none will be offended.
we all know what the proc to the fam says “Children are entitled to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.” but i find that it is little known among members what the church's stance on adoption is or that there even is one. in Oct of 04 the first Pres releases this statement “We express our support of unwed parents who place their children for adoption in stable homes with a mother and a father. We also express our support of the married mothers and fathers who adopt these children. Having a secure, nurturing, and consistent relationship with both a father and a mother is essential to a child’s well-being. When choosing adoption, unwed parents grant their children this most important blessing. Adoption is an unselfish, loving decision that blesses the child, birth parents, and adoptive parents in this life and throughout the eternities. We commend all those who strengthen children and families by promoting adoption.” and again in June of 2002 “When a man and woman conceive a child out of wedlock, when the probability of a successful (and the statistics for success in such situations are bleak) marriage is unlikely due to age or other circumstances, unwed parents should be counseled to place the child for adoption through LDS Family Services to ensure that the baby will be sealed to temple-worthy parents. Birth parents who do not marry should not be counseled to keep the infant as a condition of repentance or out of a sense of obligation to care for one's own. Unwed parents are not able to provide the blessings of the sealing covenant. Unmarried parents should give prayerful consideration to the best interests of the child and the blessings that can come to an infant who is sealed to a mother and father.
i worked with a young lady from a culture within which placing for adoption is uncommon and often stigmatized. one of the case workers inquired of her mother how they came to their decision in spite of this opposition. the grandmother to be shared “our extended family are angry and don’t understand our choice. i love my family. i love my culture, but we follow the prophet”.
it is the inclination of people, particularly young people, to see ourselves as the exception, to study and statistics, even to a prophets council. when adoption was first suggested to me i was tremendously offended. i thought that was for “those people”, the extremely young, the extremely poor, the drug addicted. not the bishop’s daughter. i see now that adoption is not only for those who would be bad parents, but it is a matter of good, better, best. i would have been good. they were better. i would have been enough. he has the best.
some, as addressed in the first presidency's statement, will encourage a mother to parent so as to teach her responsibility, “you made your bed, you lie in it”. but a child is innocent and made no mistake. they should not pay the price of someone else’s. choosing adoption is CERTAINLY not evading consequence, and a child is NOT an object lesson.
my other great obstacle to the idea was fear of my own weakness. i thought “i can’t, it’s too hard”. i was shown that the Lord giveth NO commandment save he shall prepare a way. i didn’t have the strength OR the wisdom, but He did. HE sustained me and through him, i did the impossible, i defied my own heart and very instinct.
we can do hard things and the Lord compensates. Matthew 19 29 says And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name’s sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life.
the Lord has always remembered my sacrifice, and he has comforted and taught and carried and preserved me. He has said “whosoever will loose his life for my sake shall find it".
The Lord asks us what we will consecrate to him, what we will put on the alter and sometimes he requires us to put our money where our mouth is, so to speak.
Abraham knew the meaning of “thy will be done” as he placed his long awaited and only son on the sacrificial alter. Moses’ mama understood “thy will be done” as she put that little baby in the basket on the river. Hannah prayed the Lord to remove her infertility and was finally blessed with a son and then gave her Samuel back to the Lord.
every yr in the US there are over a million unwed pregnancies, the largest percentage of these are aborted, the next largest group are single parented, a smaller number will marry, and less than 1% are placed for adoption.
now juxtapose that with this information 6% men 12% women of child bearing age have impaired or no ability to conceive, another study shows 1 in 6 couples struggle with infertility. at my work, we have 3 drawers holding our adoptive applicant files, we are currently counseling about 6 women who are even considering adoption.
i’d like to look at adoption from another angle for a moment. the scriptures are full of Jesus charging us to be our brothers keeper, and specifically to care for the fatherless. this counsel was repeatedly stressed to us in the last conference. in Matthew 18:5 the Lord says “and whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me.”
Joseph and Emma adopted 2 children and after Joseph’s martyrdom, sweet Emma adopted the child of her 2nd husband’s mistress.
Joseph adopted Jesus, Jesus adopts us and he said “Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not”.
as i said, as far as domestic infant adoptions like mine, there are not enough children available even for the demand. however, there a millions of fatherless growing up in institutions internationally, and if that is outside of your financial possibilities, the state covers costs for foster-adoptions, for which there is also great need. we have so much, perhaps as a family some of you might ask the Lord if he would trust one of these precious spirits to your care. foster and international adoptions can be challenging but again, we should not fear hard things. He qualifies us and expands our resources, and abundantly compensates our losses and heartaches.
for women like myself who want their child to have the world but don’t have it to give, for those who pray for children but can’t conceive, and for children born into less than ideal situations, adoption is, as Isaiah says, “beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness”.
Troy Dunn, a prominent member of the church calls it prayer trading. Adoptive hopefulls pray for family, birth parents pray for the best life for their child, and through eachother the Lord answers their prayers and calms their troubled hearts.
the beginning of both paths are troubled, a crisis pregnancy, infertility, but in hindsight we call ourselves blessed and we thank God for his wisdom and our tribulation.
perhaps some will be surprised at my bold confession, but please understand, neither bringing a child into the world nor placing a child for adoption are transgressions, on the contrary, it is the holiest thing i’ve ever been a part of . i have no shame attached to this story, it is about what i did right, not what i did wrong, that part is gone from me. The atonement of Jesus Christ is miraculous and comprehensive. my repentance culminated at the birth of my son. i was baffled like Enos when he said “Lord, how is it done? i couldn’t believe how literal and real it was to be "born again, a new creature". the burdens of having been raised in abuse as well as the burdens of my own poor choices were so lightened. shame and pain alleviated . i had new sight, new desires, new attitude, new character. what was lost was restored and then some. my worst day in the last 15 yrs is better than my best day in my first 18. Christ’s atonement reaches back in time, it retrieves what is so far gone we thought irretrievable, it gives us our vision back, it heals our sickest sicknesses, it binds even the heart broken a thousand times, it removes our handicaps! it teaches what we never knew and reminds of what we forgot. i was brand new, i WAS a little child. i felt the tenderness of my Father in a way uncommon to this earthly experience. i still know it, i can never deny it, He did all that and more for me. the Lord is offended when we think our sins are greater than his power to forgive and REDEEM. when we "don't understand his mercies". when the enemy of our soul whispers that we are too far gone, that the Lord doesn’t even want us anymore, that we have reached the bounds of the atonement. he assures us specifically and definitely. even in my unworthiness he called and invited me back. he still wanted me. its his work and his glory after all. he will leave the ninety and nine for us! and there is a feast waiting for our return! its so affordable, we just have to be as little children and believe him. and its ok if we don't believe completely right now as long as we can ask in whatever sincerity we can conjure " help thou my unbelief". i had forgotten how to be as a little child so i asked my good Father to teach me, and good Father's don't upbraid or withhold when asked for help or good things.
in placing a child with a couple who could not give eachother children i did for them what they could not do for themselves and in turn the Savior has done for me what i could not do for myself.
this is my testimony and my conversion, and it is so intermingled with my adoption story. i’m blessed to have it and i’m grateful to share it with y’all and i do so in His name......
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