EACH LIFE THAT TOUCHES OURS FOR GOOD

talk i wrote for church

2011-05-28T22:47:00.004-07:00

Bishop came over the other day and asked if i’d like to talk in sacrament mtg. i was all “oh...”, then he said “about adoption" and i was like “ok!” some of you will already know my passion for this topic. adoption is the cause i am most anxiously engaged in. i’ve been speaking to all sorts of audiences about adoption for the last 13 yrs or so, however, never before in a sacrament mtg, in fact, i've never heard it addressed in sacrament meeting. i’m praying the material i share is appropriate, uplifting, and relevant to y’all.

in a Jan 08 ensign article entitled “why Adoption”, Fred Riley, then commissioner of LDS Family Services, said that adoption is a profound gospel principle. He points out that when the prophet Elijah restored the sealing keys, these keys encompassed adoption. And one of the ways in which Jesus Christ is our Father is through adoption, for we become His sons and His daughters when we are adopted into the family of Christ.

Additionally, Church members who are not direct descendants of Israel may be adopted into the house of Israel through their faith. From the time of Adam, adoption has been a priesthood ordinance,” says Brother Riley. “It’s a principle of the gospel that probably all of us will experience at some point as we’re literally adopted into our Heavenly Father’s kingdom.

D&C 84 34 says in regard to covenant keepers “They become the sons of Moses and of Aaron and the seed of Abraham,”

in Abraham 2 10 the Lord promises Abraham, “And I will bless them through thy name; for as many as receive this Gospel shall be called after thy name, and shall be accounted thy seed, and shall rise up and bless thee, as their father;”

Mosiah 5 7 says “And now, because of the covenant which ye have made ye shall be called the children of Christ, his sons, and his daughters; for behold, this day he hath spiritually begotten you; therefore, ye are born of him and have become his sons and his daughters.

we are all adopted children, if we play our cards right. and it is in no way second rate, we are of the covenant Abrahamic family as though we were born into it, likewise, when a child is sealed to their parents, they are parent and child, eternally and inseparably. never ask an adoptive parent if they hope to have one of “their own”, they already do. biology does not have to exist for complete and genuine family love to. if we have eternal perspective, we remember that we are ALL family anyway and that we are charged to be our brothers keeper.

15 yrs ago i sent the flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone home with his eternal family. the biology we share is real and significant, it’s a connection that should not be denied, but it is nothing to the keys and stewardship his parents have over him. blood is thicker than water but the sealing covenant is thicker still. through the holy ghost and the tender mercy of the Lord, i was lead to his parents and it was revealed to me that he was theirs before he was mine. i did not share him with them, they shared him with me. i believe he came to them through me because nothing short of maternal love and responsibility would’ve shaken me awake. my Father is so kind and so concerned for me that he sent me a most precious little missionary. on his way home, from God’s arms to his parents', i was privileged to hold him in mine.
through adoption and through my son i learned love. the moment i my eyes laid on him for the first time, i knew that i would do anything for him, anything. i’d never felt that kind of love before. some think that in order to make such a choice, my maternal affections and connection must have been to some degree deficient but what they don’t understand is that it is BECAUSE i loved him that much that i was able to break my own heart, had i loved him an ounce less, i couldn’t’ve done it. whatever the choice, it is the best interest of the child that should be the paramount consideration, even if it means we hurt.

i know that there are surely those in the congregation who have been faced with this difficult and heart wrenching decision, or have loved ones who have, and have gone another way. please perceive no judgement. i wish only to present the doctrines of adoption and my own experience with it. i sincerely hope none will be offended.

we all know what the proc to the fam says “Children are entitled to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.” but i find that it is little known among members what the church's stance on adoption is or that there even is one. in Oct of 04 the first Pres releases this statement “We express our support of unwed parents who place their children for adoption in stable homes with a mother and a father. We also express our support of the married mothers and fathers who adopt these children. Having a secure, nurturing, and consistent relationship with both a father and a mother is essential to a child’s well-being. When choosing adoption, unwed parents grant their children this most important blessing. Adoption is an unselfish, loving decision that blesses the child, birth parents, and adoptive parents in this life and throughout the eternities. We commend all those who strengthen children and families by promoting adoption.” and again in June of 2002 “When a man and woman conceive a child out of wedlock, when the probability of a successful (and the statistics for success in such situations are bleak) marriage is unlikely due to age or other circumstances, unwed parents should be counseled to place the child for adoption through LDS Family Services to ensure that the baby will be sealed to temple-worthy parents. Birth parents who do not marry should not be counseled to keep the infant as a condition of repentance or out of a sense of obligation to care for one's own. Unwed parents are not able to provide the blessings of the sealing covenant. Unmarried parents should give prayerful consideration to the best interests of the child and the blessings that can come to an infant who is sealed to a mother and father.

i worked with a young lady from a culture within which placing for adoption is uncommon and often stigmatized. one of the case workers inquired of her mother how they came to their decision in spite of this opposition. the grandmother to be shared “our extended family are angry and don’t understand our choice. i love my family. i love my culture, but we follow the prophet”.

it is the inclination of people, particularly young people, to see ourselves as the exception, to study and statistics, even to a prophets council. when adoption was first suggested to me i was tremendously offended. i thought that was for “those people”, the extremely young, the extremely poor, the drug addicted. not the bishop’s daughter. i see now that adoption is not only for those who would be bad parents, but it is a matter of good, better, best. i would have been good. they were better. i would have been enough. he has the best.

some, as addressed in the first presidency's statement, will encourage a mother to parent so as to teach her responsibility, “you made your bed, you lie in it”. but a child is innocent and made no mistake. they should not pay the price of someone else’s. choosing adoption is CERTAINLY not evading consequence, and a child is NOT an object lesson.

my other great obstacle to the idea was fear of my own weakness. i thought “i can’t, it’s too hard”. i was shown that the Lord giveth NO commandment save he shall prepare a way. i didn’t have the strength OR the wisdom, but He did. HE sustained me and through him, i did the impossible, i defied my own heart and very instinct.

we can do hard things and the Lord compensates. Matthew 19 29 says And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name’s sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life.

the Lord has always remembered my sacrifice, and he has comforted and taught and carried and preserved me. He has said “whosoever will loose his life for my sake shall find it".

The Lord asks us what we will consecrate to him, what we will put on the alter and sometimes he requires us to put our money where our mouth is, so to speak.

Abraham knew the meaning of “thy will be done” as he placed his long awaited and only son on the sacrificial alter. Moses’ mama understood “thy will be done” as she put that little baby in the basket on the river. Hannah prayed the Lord to remove her infertility and was finally blessed with a son and then gave her Samuel back to the Lord.

every yr in the US there are over a million unwed pregnancies, the largest percentage of these are aborted, the next largest group are single parented, a smaller number will marry, and less than 1% are placed for adoption.

now juxtapose that with this information 6% men 12% women of child bearing age have impaired or no ability to conceive, another study shows 1 in 6 couples struggle with infertility. at my work, we have 3 drawers holding our adoptive applicant files, we are currently counseling about 6 women who are even considering adoption.

i’d like to look at adoption from another angle for a moment. the scriptures are full of Jesus charging us to be our brothers keeper, and specifically to care for the fatherless. this counsel was repeatedly stressed to us in the last conference. in Matthew 18:5 the Lord says “and whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me.”

Joseph and Emma adopted 2 children and after Joseph’s martyrdom, sweet Emma adopted the child of her 2nd husband’s mistress.

Joseph adopted Jesus, Jesus adopts us and he said “Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not”.

as i said, as far as domestic infant adoptions like mine, there are not enough children available even for the demand. however, there a millions of fatherless growing up in institutions internationally, and if that is outside of your financial possibilities, the state covers costs for foster-adoptions, for which there is also great need. we have so much, perhaps as a family some of you might ask the Lord if he would trust one of these precious spirits to your care. foster and international adoptions can be challenging but again, we should not fear hard things. He qualifies us and expands our resources, and abundantly compensates our losses and heartaches.

for women like myself who want their child to have the world but don’t have it to give, for those who pray for children but can’t conceive, and for children born into less than ideal situations, adoption is, as Isaiah says, “beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness”.

Troy Dunn, a prominent member of the church calls it prayer trading. Adoptive hopefulls pray for family, birth parents pray for the best life for their child, and through eachother the Lord answers their prayers and calms their troubled hearts.

the beginning of both paths are troubled, a crisis pregnancy, infertility, but in hindsight we call ourselves blessed and we thank God for his wisdom and our tribulation.

perhaps some will be surprised at my bold confession, but please understand, neither bringing a child into the world nor placing a child for adoption are transgressions, on the contrary, it is the holiest thing i’ve ever been a part of . i have no shame attached to this story, it is about what i did right, not what i did wrong, that part is gone from me. The atonement of Jesus Christ is miraculous and comprehensive. my repentance culminated at the birth of my son. i was baffled like Enos when he said “Lord, how is it done? i couldn’t believe how literal and real it was to be "born again, a new creature". the burdens of having been raised in abuse as well as the burdens of my own poor choices were so lightened. shame and pain alleviated . i had new sight, new desires, new attitude, new character. what was lost was restored and then some. my worst day in the last 15 yrs is better than my best day in my first 18. Christ’s atonement reaches back in time, it retrieves what is so far gone we thought irretrievable, it gives us our vision back, it heals our sickest sicknesses, it binds even the heart broken a thousand times, it removes our handicaps! it teaches what we never knew and reminds of what we forgot. i was brand new, i WAS a little child. i felt the tenderness of my Father in a way uncommon to this earthly experience. i still know it, i can never deny it, He did all that and more for me. the Lord is offended when we think our sins are greater than his power to forgive and REDEEM. when we "don't understand his mercies". when the enemy of our soul whispers that we are too far gone, that the Lord doesn’t even want us anymore, that we have reached the bounds of the atonement. he assures us specifically and definitely. even in my unworthiness he called and invited me back. he still wanted me. its his work and his glory after all. he will leave the ninety and nine for us! and there is a feast waiting for our return! its so affordable, we just have to be as little children and believe him. and its ok if we don't believe completely right now as long as we can ask in whatever sincerity we can conjure " help thou my unbelief". i had forgotten how to be as a little child so i asked my good Father to teach me, and good Father's don't upbraid or withhold when asked for help or good things.
in placing a child with a couple who could not give eachother children i did for them what they could not do for themselves and in turn the Savior has done for me what i could not do for myself.
this is my testimony and my conversion, and it is so intermingled with my adoption story. i’m blessed to have it and i’m grateful to share it with y’all and i do so in His name......

a paper my baby brother wrote on open adoption

2011-04-05T16:51:00.000-07:00

Domestic Infant Adoption

Let’s Be Open About It

Jesse Hyde
April 1 2011

Domestic Infant Adoption

Let’s Be Open About It

Brother Brugger

FDENG 201

April 1 2011

Source: Adoption U.S.A. (2009). Washington, D.C.

After participating in a series of emails and phone conversations with my sister, I am a changed man. My sister Tamra, who gave up her son for adoption fifteen years ago, has recently been presented with an unexpected inner struggle. Five years after her son Justin was born, all correspondence (regulated by the adoption agency) with his family was dropped as the agency policies stated. Years later, Tamra discovered that she had been misinformed and the policy had been changed a year before the adoption took place. Though she had been grateful for the first few years that she could celebrate with the adoptive family, she became distraught. She felt as though an important relationship had been stolen from her.

So what is Tamra’s struggle? She didn’t know where to go from there. After years of searching and practically giving up she recently found the family’s information with the help of friends. All of the sudden she could see pictures of her son as well as the person he is becoming. I have to admit, I was kind of afraid for her and Justin.

Previous to the research I have done, I thought that open adoptions were dangerous. I thought of all the things that could go wrong with such a relationship. However, I was the one who was wrong. That is great and exciting news for her. However, because the adoption did not begin open, Tamra now faces fear, worry, and a difficult decision. She is still building the courage to contact the family. It could be exactly what Justin needs at this time. He can have questions answered and have love reassured. “But I don’t know,” Tamra said, “I’m a stranger to him and it might very well be disruptive.” Now, if he doesn’t respond positively, she has something to lose. “Now I am incredibly vulnerable and EVERYTHING is mystery.” She feels that if the adoption had been open from the start, there would be nothing to fear (Tamra Hyde, Personal Communication, March 30, 2011).

Adoption is a blessing no matter which way you go about it. Though closed adoptions have worked for many people and are not necessarily bad, the choice is merely one between good, better, and best. To my surprise, after these discussions with Tamra, I am confident that open adoption is generally the best choice for all people involved.

Source: Adoption U.S.A. (2009). Washington, D.C.

To be clear and specific, only domestic infant adoption –the adoption of a child from within the United States at the time of their birth– will be addressed. Within this category there are essentially two types of adoption: open and closed. An open adoption involves “the sharing of information and/or contact between the adoptive and biological parents of an adopted child” (Adoption Media, What is). There can be many different ways to handle open adoptions. It can be strictly confidential or fully disclosed. In a closed adoption, “the adopting parents and the placing parents never meet and know nothing or very little about one another” (Adoption Media, Closed).

Historically, the birthmother did not choose to which family the child might go. The agency would select who they thought was best and they would set and regulate the terms by which they could connect. Unbelievably, Tamra’s adoption in 1996 (in which she did chose the family) was as open as it got. Today, open adoption has fully expanded and has blessed many more families and individuals.

Open adoption has become so popular in part because many birthmothers demand it. Whereas closed adoption is debatably thought of as a good solution for the child and adoptive family, it has proven to be a huge struggle for the birthparents. As adoptive families are educated and exposed to open adoptions, they begin to realize the blessings as well. At first, adoptive parents can tend to fear the idea of open adoption and sometimes even the birthmother. During what Tamra labels the “dark ages” of adoption, adoptive families were taught to fear birthmothers. The adoptive parents were made out to look like heroes that rescued the poor child from a “faceless villain who gets what they deserve” (Hyde, 2011).

Tamra has become a voice for adoption through her dedicated involvement with LDS Family Services and other organizations. Her countless interactions with other birthmothers, adoptive families and adoptees coupled with her dedicated and constant study of adoptive matters, she has become an expert on the subject. She feels that education and, most importantly, exposure will change the misconceptions of the adoptive family and change their hearts. Tamra admits that she too was nervous when she saw her first fully open adoption unfold back in 2002. However she has fully accepted it as she has seen it work time after time. As adoptive parents have opened themselves to interact with the birthmother, she becomes “humanized” to them. “They see that they are conscientious, brave, and selfless women . . . not drug addicted, selfish, psychologically unstable women who couldn't be bothered to raise a child.” Though some fear that a relationship with the birthmother would threaten their role as parents, there is no need to fear. She has already proven her unselfishness. She has already proven that she wants what is best for the child. Tamra proclaims, “Show me a birthmom and I want to be friends with her” (Hyde, 2011). Any adoptive family would be wise to do the same.

The negative view one may have of the birthmother does not affect just her, but it affects the child. No child wants to hear that they were unwanted, unloved, and abandoned or that their relationship to their family is second rate. Can a well-educated and prepared adoptive family overcome these struggles without an open adoption? Yes and no. Education can only go so far. Here, psychiatrists state struggles that closed adoption cannot fully compensate for:

Many adoptees have felt the "disquieting loneliness" that Roots author Haley described. Not knowing their heritage or why they were placed for adoption left many with devastating feelings of rejection . . . "Adoptees can feel frustrated at their inability to connect with their roots," says Marshall Schecter, a psychiatrist at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine. "Some have trouble forming an identity when they reach adolescence. Others may develop fantasies—both positive and negative—about their birth family. Some adoptees spend a lifetime never finding answers to their questions…" According to adoption scholar David Brodzinsky of Rutgers University, "For adoptees, part of them is hurt at having once been relinquished… That part remains vulnerable for the rest of their lives as they grieve at various predictable points for the unknown parents who gave them away." (Hochman & Huston, 1994)

In an open situation, the child will not feel abandoned or lonely but will feel a sense of belonging. They will feel special and loved because the birthmother is available to show it and tell it to them personally. Karen Dunkley, an adoptive mom said, “We are extremely open with our adoption and it has made Natalie comfortable with the situation. If she has questions we answer them. Sometimes she has asked her birth mother questions” (Karen Dunkley, personal communication, March 30, 2011).

A new child should be something that is celebrated (if not more than usual) no matter how they entered that family. They should know they are special because they have a birthmother that loves them just as much as their adoptive mother. Karen continues, “I believe that a birth mother when giving up a child for adoption is showing great love and unselfishness. I believe she deserves to have a place in that child’s life… I want [my child] to know that she was loved not given away” (Dunkley, 2011).

Another reason why someone might want a closed adoption is because it would help the birthmother “get over” it. Again, this is only partly true. Tamra explains:

I have progressed. I've had healing. My priorities and focuses have evolved. Where, in the beginning, I thought of little else, my world is now full of other interests and pursuits. While this isn't my whole identity, it's still a big chunk. And that's ok. It’s awesome in fact. I will think about Justin and his family everyday of my life. And it brings me joy, not pain. For nine months we shared our food, water, blood, and oxygen! He is flesh of my own flesh! Bone of my bone! I will NEVER be "over it". And I don't wanna [sic] be. I will never put them away in a box in the closet. This story is my FAVORITE story! About my favorite people! It will bless me all my days! (Hyde, 2009)

For Tamra and many birthmothers like her, there is no reason or desire to “get over it.” This experience is positively life-altering for them. People might not think about what birthmothers have gone through. When speaking of adoption, the most popular phrase seems to be, “Do what’s best for the child.” Open adoption shows that it is possible that the best can be done for the child, adoptive family, and the birthmother. Some forget that these birthmothers are just as human as the child. Even if open adoption was merely only as good as closed adoption, to choose closed would only be to deny the birthmother’s opportunity for a richer life.

One caution that is given often by people involved on any side of adoption is that each case must be individualized according to specific circumstances. There are so many options with open adoption that each person is bound to find something that will work best for everyone. Sure, there are few but very legitimate reasons to keep an adoption closed, but those should only be the exception.

The greatest source of peace, comfort, and direction for Tamra and many others she has worked with is God. Through His direction, she has found the right family to place her child with and she feels that her finding Justin again is a work of God. She also told a story of a seven-year-old boy praying to hear from his birthmother who refused to have any contact. Without her knowing why, she suddenly felt it was time to reconnect with her son. His prayer was answered. From a religious perspective Tamra stated, “Love is an unlimited, renewable resource. There is enough to go around and we are ALL family anyway. Justin wasn't mine, he isn't theirs, and I am not my own. If we esteem every man as a brother and we are our brother's keeper, we are ready for open adoption” (Hyde, 2011). Looking at it this way, a parent must always recognize that they are merely stewards over one of God’s children. All feelings of entitlement must be gone to have a functional adoption.

Furthermore, each adoption must be considered on a case-by-case basis. This applies to anyone whether they are religious or not. Each child, by nature, is a different individual with different needs. The myth that adopted children will resent or reject their adoptive parents if they know their birthparents is a false and highly misrepresented argument. That argument really has more to do with personality and how one is raised than it has to do with the difference between open, closed, adopted, or biological.

There are still reasonable boundaries that must be set for an open adoption to work the best it can. Open adoptions will and do fail where there is pride, resentment, and lack of consideration and communication. Any relationships would struggle under those circumstances. Communication and humility flow freely through open adoptions done correctly. Birthmothers do not become some odd, strange, second-mom thing; they become another extended family member who loves the child as any family member does.

It always seemed normal to Danny Bueller, a 24-year-old student in Vancouver. "I have more people in my life who love me than most people do. I don’t see how that can be a bad thing," Danny said. His adoptive mom and birthmother are best friends. Though that isn’t the norm and “less than 10 percent of families in open adoption become friends, or even meet in person frequently . . . they don’t need to, to forge a connection that will bring lasting benefits to the child” (Meltz, 2011).

When making the choice between open and closed adoption, the most important thing is love. Tamra wants Justin to know why she gave him up, that she “loved him literally more than her own life, that she wanted him but put her own heart on the alter for the life he could have” (Hyde, 2011). Jen, an adoptive parent of six, explains how hard it is to make sure your adopted child knows that he or she is loved. Things need to be sacrificed to do what is best for your child.

Why do I believe in open contact even when families are dysfunctional, addicted or even actively participating in criminal acts? Because I believe it's best for my kids. I took my son to meet his biological father in a Federal Prison. Was that easy? Of course not. It was scary and overwhelming and slightly nauseating, and that was just for ME, I cannot fathom what he was feeling, but it was still totally the right thing to do. Why? Because my son wanted to. Because it's his truth and his reality. Because he has a right to love his parent even if I would rather my kids never talked to anyone who has ever used drugs in their entire lives. Because he needed to know with his own ears that he was loved BY THEM. (Jen, 2010)

The hard things have to be done so each individual involved –especially the child– (and even the birthparents) can be blessed, taught, and beautified.
The examples given here have only been a small taste of the benefits of open adoption. It has brought these people and many more just like them happy lives. It will continue to bless each child, birthparent and adoptive parent as they chose to communicate openly and responsibly, rid themselves of pride, and do everything they can to love their child. Open adoption isn’t just a good choice; it is the best choice.

References

Adoption Media (n.d.) Closed Adoption. Retrieved March 30, 2011, from

http://closed.adoption.com/

Adoption Media (n.d.) What is Open Adoption? Retrieved March 30, 2011, from
http://statistics.adoption.com/information/adoption-statistics-open-adoptions.html

Hochman, G & Huston, A (1994) Open Adoption. Retrieved March 30, 2011, from

http://www.eadopt.org/openadoption.htm

Hyde, Tamra (2009, November 3) Myths and Misconceptions about Adoption. Message posted to
http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=166834468789

Jen (2010, June 29) Why Openness? Message posted to
http://anickelsworthofcommonsense.blogspot.com/2010/06/why-openness.html

Meltz, B.F. (2011) Open Adoption Over the Years. Retrieved March 30, 2011, from

http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=1734

Vandivere, S., Malm, K., and Radel, L. (2009) Adoption USA: A Chartbook Based on the 2007

National Survey of Adoptive Parents. Washington, D.C.: The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Office of the Assistant Secretary for Planning and Evaluation.

so a birthmom, an adoptive mom, an adoptee, and an unbelievably insensitive woman are tyin a quilt......

2010-11-10T21:18:00.004-07:00

so i'm at church tyin a quilt to donate, and i meet an adoptive mom. we're gabbin about how blessed we are to have adoption be part of our lives, goin on and on as b-moms and A-moms do when we happen to meet.
enter insensitive lady- "well it's best to have 'your own', that way they have your genes and adopted kids usually don't turn out well". (all of this is said infront of my new friend's listening daughter, by the way). she then goes on to give the evidence of a couple of adopted children who have grown up to have problems that are exclusive to those who have been adopted, y'know, like divorce and quitting church.
another woman at our quilt enters the conversation. "i'm adopted an none of that is true of me, though my siblings who are not adopted HAVE had those struggles".
i say "see, what YOU fail to understand is that this IS her own child! eternally! meaning- always was, always will be. they found eachother by inspiration and miraculous divine intervention! we are ALL brothers and sisters! so tell me, what do GENES matter?!". sike, that's only a-wish i woulda said. but i did say, "these babies go where they're meant to be".
Adopted mom responds to the height of rudeness with grace and charity.
rude lady feels dumb.
we get up and move to a kinder quilt and carry on our rejoicing.
Adoptive mom, Birthmom, and adoptee! GO TEAM!

my pregnancy family

2010-07-21T23:11:00.003-07:00

letter to the family who opened their home to a pregnant teenager they didn't know in Atlanta.

hey Ms! i sure hate that i haven't stayed closer to y'all and i sure hate that you're sick, G.
i just don't feel that i've expressed adequately the significance of the role y'all have played in my life or my gratitude for it. i think i should tell you what i've told many, many others. when i came, i have to say i anticipated judgement and i expected to feel quite uncomfortable living in the home of strangers. but i remember being disarmed and feeling home very soon after my arrival. your family was the first i'd seen function close up. i learned and unlearned and relearned alot of stuff there through my observations and our interactins. the few months i spent with you, for me, were the most significant of my life. those were my deciding months. those were the months i spent dying and being born again. my heart being broken and then made whole. this was the time of my conversion. my time with you changed the course of my life more drastically than anything else has. i know i came by inspiration and i imagine you invited me by inspiration. i needed a safe and quiet place where the Holy Ghost could communicate with me uninhibited by the contention and distress that were unfortunately part of my home and family relationships at that time. equally critical was the distance from my boyfriend that allowed me to see the relationship for what it was and break my addiction to it. your home was my haven, it was my school. the Holy Ghost was my tutor in those days and i learned more in those months than i had in all the years that preceded them. i began to see truth and light where my view had been dark and distorted. i began to be me. i remember walking by the mirror in the upstairs bathroom and literally doing a double take. i saw a new countenance and i had pleasure in my reflection for the first time.
i remember you telling me i needed successes, to help me redefine myself and learn of my capability. and then you presented me with opportunities to progress and coached me through them. you taught me the power of investing in somebody.
despite the radical and exponential growth that was happening in me, i know i was still quite self absorbed and immature. i wonder if i was hard to live with but i never sensed having been a bother or a burden.
i'm sure you knew from the start what choice was right for me, but you never pushed or coerced which would have only hindered my finding it. it was as though you trusted me to work through my poor judgement. i would have doubted.
B, you were with me on the 2 most significant and miraculous days of my life. the day i met Justin's parents, and the day i met Justin. thank you so much for your care!
i know you had to be a part of the story. if i'd stayed in Memphis, if i hadn't had that peaceful place, where i could think and listen, i woulda stayed with J, and Justin wouldn't have gonehome. i'd still be trapped in depression and mediocrity. i wouldn't have come to light and life. my family would still be broken and i'd still be angry. i wouldn't have become me.
again, you are a crucial part of the story i joy to tell! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU for being your sisters keeper and for being my family.
my heart hurts for y'all now and i wish peace and the Lord's care over you. G, i love you. B, i love you. L, i love you. my prayers are with y'all!
Matthew 25:35,40

May 15, 2010. Justin is 14.

2010-05-15T02:03:00.007-07:00

May 15, 2010. Justin is 14.

It’s 3 am and I’ve been waiting for the intensity of emotion to subside and give way to sleep. I don't fully understand what I’m feeling. I haven't felt this in 6 years, since the birth of my first nephew. It feels like missing. Like awareness again that Justin is not here. Which is right and as it should be. But I remember how sweet it all was when he WAS with me.
I miss being pregnant. I miss how close I was to the Lord. I miss the close and constant care and company of that spirit which lead and taught and comforted and strengthened me. The communication was so clear and so sweet. I miss having that kind of purpose. Every day had meaning. I miss having such a love and a work to do. I was responsible for something precious.
I miss the feeling of deliverance and relief. I miss the feeling of newness, reconciliation, more than forgiveness, total acceptance and approval, embrace.
I miss that room, the room where Justin and i communicated and connected, in a way as mother and child, but more soul to soul, where we got to know each other, or better said, where we were reacquainted. He is a tremendous and a valiant soul. I miss being a momma. I was special. I felt so honored. I was good. I loved the smell of him! I miss the feeling of him in my arms. I miss his face. I wish I could see it again. I wish memories were clearer.
That room was a temple. Even when finally, it was only mom and I left there, the room had a peace, a stillness. I miss that day.
I prayed tonight that in my sleep I may visit that place and time. And I feel I’ve come too far from it. Not in terms of time or geography, but I’m no longer worthy of it. I haven't lived up to it. I was meant to do more and better from there. i wish i could go back. i'd be more vigilant to maintain the grace I’d received. If I could've just stayed as i was then. i was good. And it was so sweet. i need to find my purpose again.
I always say “it doesn’t hurt anymore. I’m not sad anymore.” So I’ve been arguing with my heart that this emotion must be something other than pain. I give. It hurts. But there’s a beauty in this kind of pain.
There HAS been healing, My pain Has faded and settled into its proper place and proportion but I think I’ve been wrong. I think now that perhaps it never goes away all together. That’s ok. My burdens have been made light enough to bear and even now, as it was 14 years ago, the bitter is tempered with a compensatory sweet and gratitude is the overriding emotion.
Justin is 14 today. i wish i could go to the party. i pray with great energy that he is continuing where i left off, ensuring he is in the right path and preparing for his special mission. i pray he knows of himself what i know of him. i again, for the millionth time, and not the last, thank God for Debbie and Gale. They have been the hands of the Lord in my life. i cannot wait to be again face to face with my friends! Happy Birthday sweet and precious boy! I DO miss you. i hope she kisses you extra today for me!

Myths and Misconceptions

2010-01-17T14:28:00.001-07:00

so, the MOST important thing for anyone to know about adoption, is that chances are, you don't know anything. i was surprised to find, when i first set foot into the world of adoption, how inaccurate most of my notions of adoption were! and in my conversations with people from many varying levels of education and experience on the matter i have encountered some shocking ideas! i try to cut folx some slack knowing i was once so unenlightened. also, given the rapid and dramatic evolution adoption has undergone, even in MY lifetime, as well as the media's love for horror stories and worst case scenarios, it isn't any wonder that many have outdated or fearful thoughts on the matter.
to people in the adoption family, these things are sacred. to have something SO beautiful and so much a part of who we are and what we love misunderstood can feel like the sharpest dagger to the most tender part of the heart. (and some of us can get pretty feisty)
SO, this week I'm going to feature some of the most common and most harmful myths and misconceptions. Birth mamas, adoptive parents, and adoptees feel free to add some of your (least) favorites as well as add you commentary to the ones listed.

"Birthparents don't want their babies"

i saved the worst for first! I'm not kiddin, it hurt my chest to write that!
i have not met this birthmom.
i wanted Justin more than ANYTHING I'd EVER wanted! it took me MONTHS to get over myself! the only thing i wanted more than to have his hand always in mine was for him to have all that could be his!
adoption is rarely a birthmother's plan A. to come to and through this choice, we must break our own hearts, defy our very instinct! NEVER believe that it is anything other than the love of our children that could enable us to do this impossible thing!

"a woman chooses adoption in order to have the chance to finish growing up, pursue their education, etc."

while this IS a benefit of choosing adoption, it is NOT a reason to.
I'm blessed by the many experiences and opportunities I've had to live the young single adult life. college, roommates, dating. i can spend my time and money however i choose. all of these things are greatly hindered for a single mom. but i tell you, without hesitation, i would give it ALL back! he means so much more to me than ANY of it! I was not my reason. HE was. i was totally prepared to put my WHOLE WORLD on the alter to keep him with me. but i couldn't sacrifice his.

"a birth mother can move on"

this is true and false.
i have progressed. I've had healing. my priorities and focuses have evolved. where, in the beginning, i thought of little else, my world is now full of other interests and pursuits.
while this isn't my whole identity, it's still a big chunk. and that's ok. it's awesome in fact. i will think about Justin and his family everyday of my life. and it brings me joy, not pain.
for 9 months we shared our food, water, blood, and oxygen! he is flesh of my own flesh! bone of my bone! i will NEVER be "over it". and i don't wanna be. i will never put them away in a box in the closet. this story is my FAVORITE story! about my favorite people! it will bless me all my days!

"if i choose adoption....I'll be broken"

this was one of mine. it's also true and false.
my choice broke my heart, to be sure. my arms ached for him. my chest hurt. it felt my air went with him. i had longed, i had missed, I'd felt loss, but never like this. to write of it now i can still feel the memory of it. i had lost a child. and i felt it. not just for a few days or weeks or months. i felt sorrow grief for the first few years. i have to say though, there was peace and sweetness to temper the bitter aching from the very start. but as time passed it began to be intermingled with more and more gratitude, peace, joy, until i didn't hurt anymore. i feel deeply when i tell my story but when i cry, don't feel sorry for me! my tears are the gratitude my words can't express! Justin stopped by on his way home and saved me. he was my missionary! my love for him was the only motivation sufficient to make me change. had God not blessed me with these most difficult trials, I'd still be locked up in anger and pain and darkness, my view so narrow. and i wouldn't know love. I'm not back to how i was before. I'm SO much better! I'm not broken. I'm mended!

"people who choose adoption are very young, have drug problems, are very poor, and have very unstable lifestyles"

i wish this WERE true but as a result of these instabilities, in my observation, such women generally lack the clarity and presence of mind to choose adoption. on the contrary, I've seen conscientious, selfless, responsible people who, for those qualities, would make the best parents (in fact by putting their child's needs above their own, that's just what they're being).
while women of all ages, socioeconomic backgrounds, and circumstances have chosen adoption, the average age is 22. a young girl's frontal lobe is not fully developed and she often won't have a very clear sense of the reality of tomorrow or the needs of another person outside of herself. so she's going mainly on instinct, which of course dictates that she does not separate from her offspring. even at 18 it was nothing short of divine intervention that got me to, and through the decision. that said, i have known girls, young as 12, wise beyond their years and they are my heroes!
one of my many resistances to the idea of adoption was that i thought i didn't fit the bill. i thought adoption was for "those girls", the ones who would clearly be terrible parents. but i knew i was a good person, i would be a good mom. i thought, if you CAN raise your child, you do. i now know, it's a matter of good, better, best.

"adopted kids are always screwed up, if you place for adoption, your baby will be too"

i think it's funny now that i actually worried about this. there are several factors playing into this misconception. one is that people don't make the distinction between foster, international, and birthparent or infant adoptions. which is not at all to say that children adopted through the state or internationally WILL be "screwed up" but it certainly comes with a different set of challenges. the study I've seen showed that children adopted within the first 6 months of life (barring any abuse or neglect) showed no negative repercussions as a result of having been adopted. when compared to their peers they did as well or better in areas of academics, behavior, identity, or feelings of belonging. then when compared to those raised by single, biological parents the gap widens.
i think another factor is, yet again, the influence of the past. in the "dark ages of adoption" there was no openness, no information, no communication from a birthparent, and there was alot of shame and secrecy. we've learned from these mistakes and we now see that those things contributed to feelings of abandonment and inferiority. in this day of open, real, working relationships between birth and adoptive families, a child knows they came from love to love. they were not unwanted. they have EXTRA family who cherish them. there are no gaps in their identity. this is something that makes them special. we don't whisper about adoption anymore. there is nothing to hide!
furthermore, you cannot imagine the screening and procedures a couple goes through to adopt these days. and infertility can be quite the refiners fire. i think these folx are the cream of the crop! and after their work and wait and worry, and knowing the sacrifice it came from, they don't take parenthood lightly and they don't take their children for granted.

"the birthmom might try to take back the baby"

this is the stuff of Lifetime-made for TV-movies.
in GA i had 2 weeks after placement to change my mind. this added to my hell. i know some states allow up to 6 months. in UT the moment relinquishment has been signed it is already binding. even where it's possible, it is rare that a mother will change her mind after placement. adoption is not something that a person chooses half hearted or on a whim. my thoughts, while feeling that crushing loss, were that i would NEVER want them (his parents) to feel it. knowing what i knew, that that family was his, that they were better, even than my best, that THAT was the life that he was SUPPOSED to have, how could i take it away from him.
and again, things are not what they once were. if I'd chosen adoption because of social, religious, or family pressure instead of my own conviction that it was right for us. if i never held him or said goodbye. if i had to wake up every morning wondering where he was, with who, does he get enough kisses, is he fed well, etc. under these circumstances i can see how a person would have no peace and I'm certain i would have lost my mind. but this is NOT adoption today. as a birthmom sees the family she helped create, sees her baby laugh, sees the love his parents have for him, her decision is confirmed and solidified.

"no parent can love a child like their biological mother"

the instant i first saw him....words fail. i recognized immediately that i had never felt love before that moment. i felt my heart grow inside of my chest. i would've given my right arm for him, i'd've stepped infront of a bus for him. there was NOTHING i wouldn't have done for him. the world stopped....for moments while i tried to understand how he could be real. i recognized him. that moment is preserved in my heart. i feel it now as i shed even more grateful tears.
i regret i wasn't there the first time Debbie saw her Justin (but my heart still melts at the thought of it). i have NO doubt...no doubt that HER heart grew! that SHE knew him! that HER gratitude has spilled out through her tears for 13 years. she IS giving her life for him! day by day.
while the the blood we share is real and significant, it is not as real and as significant as is the sealing covenant. and biology does not have to exist for genuine family love to. i know that they COULD not love him more if he had their genes. i believe he was theirs before he was mine.

"placing for adoption is 'the easy way out'" or "she should be made to face the consequences of her choices."

someone please tell me HOW the choice i made was easy?! it took all i had, no, MORE than i had! it was the most difficult and painful thing i've endured, and i CHOSE to endure it.
my mama has said that adoption is the hardest choice to make but the easiest to live with. not to suggest that the pain associated with the loss of a child is short lived, but we have our peace of mind. we can see the fruits of our sacrifice and they compensate for our hurt. people are told that abortion will be an easy way out but it is a lie. easy choice to make, incredibly difficult choice to live with. there is no consequence-free escape route.
did i make a very bad choice? yes. did my Justin? no. a human being is not to be used as an object lesson! should HE have to pay the consequences for my poor choice? no way!
i certainly did not evade consequence, nor did i evade my responsibility to provide for my child, whatever the personal cost.
i once heard a set of parents express that they wanted their daughter to parent because if she placed, it would be too easy and she'd only do it again. the scenario they thought would help her be more responsible was that she (they) would raise the child. the truth is that women who choose adoption are LESS likely to conceive again out of wedlock. they also receive higher education and better employment and are less likely to live in poverty
.

"I contacted a family I had a good feeling about...until I they reponded they prefer to not have physical contact after placement which i KNOW i want"

2010-01-04T22:04:00.004-07:00

response to Email from a young women considering families.
I just recently contacted my first family and I really had a good feeling about them...that is until I got their response. And now, I'm pretty sure they're not the ones. My reason being, that they told me they prefer not to have physical contact with the birth mom after placement and that is something I KNOW I want. I want to be able to physical see my child every now and then. I don't mean every week, every month, or even every year. I can settle for seeing her every few years.
HEY! so, in regard to openness, YES! your caseworker is right. i tell ya it frustrates me so much to find couples who are essentially shootin themselves in the foot. openness is better for THEM too and MOST importantly, for their child! here's my take on how these things should work; i really believe it should be like any other real and living relationship. that doesn't mean without boundaries, EVERY relationship need boundaries, spouse, sibling, parent/child. but this does not mean that we micro-manage or over regulate. these boundaries need not be fear based. it is the greatest insult and deepest wound to a birthmother to not be trusted by the people who she trusts with what is MOST precious to her. i mean, i don't set up "schedules" or "visitation" with my cousins or siblings or friends. we are delighted to see each other when we can, and we trust each others judgment and common sense. we trust eachother to be courteous and not overstep or intrude. a birthmom, by choosing adoption, has already proven that A. she can receive guidance from the holy ghost and be obedient. B. she can put the best interest of her child before her own. and C. she has maturity and foresight and wisdom. i think when couples are closed, it can come from a few factors. they may still be grieving or insecure about their infertility. this can cause a jealousy or feeling of competition or being threatened by birthparents. most often, i think it's fear that comes from a lack of education on the matter. the old school idea, from before we talked about these things, when a birthmother had no representation, was that these women relinquished because they were so unstable and in competent that they would be horrible parents. the problem with this logic is that instability and incompetence (as is demonstrated by the fact that the younger a girl, the less likely to place) would prohibit them from seeing the wisdom of the choice to place. i've seen couples who would say things like "well is it our baby or isn't it?", "we don't want to have to answer to someone else about our parenting", "won't the child be confused?", "what if she's a bad influence, or interfering?". i have seen such couples through prayer and education come to "get it" and be at peace and open themselves to one of the sweetest friendships they'll know. the best way i've seen this education happen is by hearing experiences of others. particularly by meeting and interacting with women who've already placed. they begin to see that birth parents are people, but beyond that that they are extraordinary people. that they are not a different species, but they are their brothers and sisters and not exempt from their charity or empathy, they are people who could fit well and easily into their families and circles of friends. people who they'd be GLAD to know and love. also very impactful is meeting adoptive parents with successful open adoptions and hearing them bear testimony of the benefits and miraculous blessings that can accompany this unique and special relationship. it can be SO sweet! on every side. i encourage you to find a way to interview such couples, hear their stories and how they feel about their birthmoms. i LOVE when i meet A-parents and tell them i'm a birthmom and they instantly have such respect and love and often tears in their eyes.
i couldn't have in person contact with my family, it just wasn't done at that time unfortunately. but their "way of being" their hearts toward me were open. such that, i knew if they could they would. that was enough. just knowing and being assured of their deep love and high esteem of me brings a peace i could'ta done without. they never ceased thanking me, and i never ceased turning it around. i was SO SO grateful to them! i was the answer to their prayers that their Justin would come home. but they were the answer to mine that he would have everything! and then they loved me. i think my trust, adoration, and admiration invites theirs, and theirs invites mine.
of course, all that said, and while openness is DEFINITELY something to take into consideration, i have to counsel you to follow the promptings of the spirit. we don't know what the Lord does. he knows their hears and where they are in their learning and what they need. He knows how to teach them. He knows what tomorrow can do.
my suggestion would be that, if you really feel strongly about this family, communicate openly and frankly about your situation. that you feel to pursue this path but that you also feel strongly about an open adoption. ask them about their concerns and validate how they feel. share your thoughts on the matter and why you think open is best and then encourage them to research, to hear the experiences of those who have had positive experiences, to interact with birthparents in their area (their agency would gladly facilitate), but most importantly to fast and pray on the matter with an open heart, and then add your prayers to theirs. i've seen this work. i knew a couple who before being found were terrified of openness but later would ask me "Tamra, why don't we hear from our B-mom more often? we miss her". also getting to know you, seeing your humanity, knowing your good heart, these things will soften their hearts and open their eyes. and even if this is not your family, they'll be better for it, it will be part of their progress to finding their baby. i've learned i have to be patient with people who don't get it yet. there was a time when i was new to it all and had some VERY backward ideas about adoption. i laugh now at some of the concerns i had. just because they don't know yet, doesn't mean they won't.
as far as healing, really, my observation over these last 13 yrs of involvement shows the best thing for a smooth recovery and peaceful post placement experience is openness and the support of the A-fam. i hear so many b-moms say that after seeing their child in the setting of their new home, interacting with their family only confirms and solidifies their choice. they find consolation in the joy of their child and their new friends. there shouldn't have to be a goodbye like mine. i know all is well, it was part of the evolution and progression but they were my dearest friends in eternity and i had to say goodbye. there's no sense in it. don't get me wrong, i understand. i'm at peace. he has all he need and so do i. but more is a blessing. i think the trend toward openness in the nation and in the church is spurred by observation and study that shows how much more healthy and beneficial openness is. i also think it's been led and inspired by a wise and merciful God. i believe open adoption is right and good.
now, these are only my perceptions you know, i share them freely but there is always another school of thought. the holy ghost will tell you what is useful to you and what is not. i'm startin to feel a little overbearing. you can tell i have a passion and zeal for this stuff.

thanx again SO much for lettin me give my 2 cents and be a lil part of what you're goin through. i remember the burden. i'm glad to share some of yours if i can. keep em comin!

Tamra

"how did you know you had chosen the right family for your child? I am having the hardest time finding the perfect family"

2010-01-04T21:58:00.004-07:00

first off, props that you're already thinkin ahead about helping others. i really feel that adoption is a pay it forward kinda thing. i figure, because i have been given much i too must give. plus, as you've probably already figured out, it's WAY different than what alotta folx think it is. there's a great need for education. i gotta feelin you'll be an amazing adoption advocate. it really does help the healing process so much too!

how did you know you had chosen the right family for your child? I am having the hardest time finding the perfect "family/couple".

boy, isn't that the biggest question! it was for me too. man! the weight of that decision weighed SO heavily on me. i mean, i'd never done anything but screw stuff up! i ONLY made bad choices up till this point and now i was choosing his whole life, his ETERNITY even! i was doing God's job essentially! plus i was really new at receiving guidance and communication from the Lord.
i was overwhelmed and intimidated.
i gave my caseworker an EXTENSIVE, COMPREHENSIVE list of what was, to me, the perfect family. i was SO specific! i was going to look at EVERY adoptive applicant on the planet before making my choice.
she brings me my first 5. i pick up the first one. i'm thinkin "like it's gonna be the first file, there's no way". i begin to read.....this was not the family i'd imagined, they didn't match my list...BUT... i felt something.... i thought "well i'm sure they're nice folx but i'm not gonna be like- 'free to a good home', they'll do". i began to look through the other 4. they fit my description...nothin. i felt nothin. i felt there was a difference and i thought it must be significant but this is a HUGE responsibility! i took it to the Lord. i said "i have a good feeling about this family, but what i'm gonna need is a burning bush". i mean, if i'm gonna make this choice, i'ma need the file to glow in the dark or levitate off the desk! well the Lord, through the spirit and the scriptures chastised me. the message was clear "hey! ye of little faith! i'm not gonna spoon feed you! i gave you the Holy Ghost now take a step, chicken!".
so i did. i told my caseworker i had selected this family. she told me she knew i had to see that file. things were different back then. the only contact i would have with them during the pregnancy would be our one face to face meeting. in the mean time, i began to feel more and more at peace about my choice. i began to feel very connected with these people who were, as of yet, just 2 pieces of paper. my confidence grew.
as the meeting came near, i again approached the Lord, this time with caution. "Heavenly Father, i KNOW this is Justin's family. i KNOW this is your will. NOTHING will prevent me from completing this course. BUT...just as a favor.... if you gotta minute... could i just have a little sign? if not that's totally cool! i'll still go through with it!". i just wanted something that, on my death bed and all through my life, i would know i'd done right by Justin, that i'd given him THE best.
God is so good. because He's so kind, because He loves me so much, because i asked, and because He knew my decision was not hinged upon it, that day i experienced one of the greatest tender mercies of my mortal life.
when these two strangers walked into the room...i recognized them. i can't say from where or from when. i don't recall our conversations or the nature of our relationship but i KNOW i knew them. somewhere in my memory, i knew their faces. and immediately, i felt a family connection with them. they had always been in my heart, i just didn't know until i saw them. i loved them INSTANTLY.
can i doubt? it is after the trial of our faith that the signs come. i know now that the Lord DOES His job. He knows i'm not that smart! i now clearly see that i was not "choosing" but "finding" Justin's family. God had already chosen them. He just had to show me.
this is MY story, yours may be similar or completely different but the principles are true and universal. it's primary answers really. search, ponder, and pray. do your homework. be receptive to the spirit. ASK. expect the Lord to guide you, trust he will. act and move in faith and don't be afraid. give up YOUR will and bend to the Lord's. it'll work. you'll be honored to be an instrument in His hands.

i hope this helps. feel free to ask me anything else and also keep me posted if you don't mind. i'll do another installment and take a stab at the next question soon. i got some good stuff to say about the birth father!

keep on keepin on. and thanx again for writing back!

Tamra

response to a sweet and remarkable young woman preparing to place

2010-01-04T21:52:00.002-07:00

first of all, wow! your situation is alot like mine was. i was the same age, had been with my bf for 2 yrs, had some medical issues, and desperately wanted to do what's right.
it really sounds like you've got you head on straight. you are wise to stay close to the church and dedicate yourself to the work of repentance. it's SO good. it really works! my son was my motivation to undergo the repentance process. it was work, it was a fight and a struggle. i have never been the same person since. burdens lifted, wounds healed, clarity and understanding given, and peace and strength to do all things that the Lord required of me. thing is He honors sacrifice. and you and i both know we'd more easily give our right arm than our own child. He knows that too. He has remembered my sacrifice and He has carried me through it. He strengthened me and made me equal to the impossible task and He comforted and gave me peace like i'd never known to temper my broken heart.
it's gonna hurt. i'm so sorry. but it will pass and it will be eternally to your credit. the Father will count your tears and in time if not eternity they will all be compensated for.

Matthew 19: 29 And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or CHILDREN, or lands, for my name’s sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life.

Luke 9: 24. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: but whosoever will lose his life for my sake, the same shall save it.

To a mother, her child is her life. And i can attest this is true. By letting go of the most precious thing i've known, in obedience to God, my hands and my heart and my life have been filled.

even through the process there is joy to be had. until i met Justin's parents i only focused on my loss. but when i met and fell in love with these good people who were SO deserving and couldn't give to eachother their heart's desire, i was surprised to find i felt excited. i was SO happy for them! my friends were finally gonna have their family!
i was not blessed to have an open adoption as this was almost 14 yrs ago. we were allowed correspondence through the agency for only 5 yrs. i can tell you though, what i did receive was my survival. folx would always ask "doesn't that make it harder?" o man! NO! to see their joy and success! to know he's smiling and laughing in his daddy's loving arms. to read of the love and the joy that they had! it was WHY i had broken my heart! it was soothing to it. it gave my sacrifice meaning. i am a HUGE fan of openness. it makes so much sense to me. it is so much healthier to all involved. it is a blessing to you, the child, and the parents. i love to see it function like any other working, living relationship. it has to be based on trust, respect, and honest communication. if i ever wanted more, i would say so. but i would make it clear that i REALLY did trust their choices and that i would never be offended and i invited their honesty. the girls i've seen with successful open adoptions seem to have such a better grieving process than me and the girls of my generation of birthmoms.
please, don't worry. just keep seeking the help and guidance of the spirit, keep making your child's well being your focus, and be still and know that He is God. this stuff is way important to Him. infact, it's His work and His glory. trust me, He is all up in your business right now. all you gotta do is bring your will, He'll make it happen from there. He'll make it all ok. it may hurt worse than anything ever has. but somehow, you'll be grateful. you'll feel miraculously blessed. you'll learn love. i never have regretted. it felt like the end of the world at times through my pregnancy, but it was the beginning. i am SO BLESSED!
good luck to you. you are a remarkable woman. most people don't even consider this road.

love and prayers,
Tamra

response to an email i received from a young man who could only refer to the mother who abandoned him at age 4 as "egg donor".

2009-10-23T23:29:00.002-07:00

i was 18. most young girls won't choose adoption because their frontal lobe is not fully developed so they're mainly going on instinct, which of course dictates that they do not separate from their offspring. they don't have a sense of the reality of tomorrow or another person outside of themselves. the average age of a woman who chooses adoption is 22. even at 18 it was nothing short of divine intervention that got me to, and through the decision. one of the MANY widespread misunderstandings about adoption is that the people who chose it are very young, drug addicted, mentally ill, poverty stricken, or in terribly unstable lifestyles. i wish this were true but as a result of these instabilities, such women generally lack the clarity and presence of mind to choose adoption. on the contrary, it is those conscientious, selfless, responsible people who, for those qualities, would make the best parents (in fact that's just what they're being by making this choice). it is not easy for them, not THEIR will, but their conscience demands it.
studies say one of the 2 questions children of closed adoption ask most often is "what did she look like?" while the biological connection is real and significant, it is not as real and as significant as is the sealing covenant. and as you know biology does not have to exist for genuine family love to. i know his sweet mama's heart grew in her chest the same as mine did when she set eyes on him for the first time. i know that, like me, she must have recognized him. i know that they COULD not love him more if he had their genes.
i know i am not Justin's "mother", her name is Debbie. he was hers before he was mine. they have total stewardship and accountability and i trust them COMPLETELY in that role and i would NEVER challenge but would defend it. but i do feel it very appropriate to call myself "birthmom". it takes nothing from who and what they are. it isn't a contest and it doesn't compare. but i gave him the BEST possible health and home for 9 months. i LOVED him with ALL the love of a mother. i gave him breath and a body. i broke my heart for him. i put my WORLD on the alter so he could have his. in THIS way, i AM a mother, that is what mothers do.
the experience of a person PLACED for adoption, by a birthmother, in their infancy is SO different in so many ways to that of a child taken, at an older age, for reasons of abuse or neglect. studies show that children adopted in the first 6 months of life, barring the a fore mentioned situations, show no negative affects emotionally, psychologically or in any other way as a result of having been adopted. they do as well or better when compared to their peers in areas of academics, behavior, and having a sense of identity and belonging. no one looses in the first type of adoption, all benefit.
i also feel my adoption story was planned before i got here. i have undeniable evidences that this was the case, that i knew that family before i ever met them in this life, that they are connected to me. my father was abusive. i came into the picture with an inate sense of justice and called a spade a spade, demanded change. but the damage done caused me not to love myself. the only thing that could've motivated me to change, to come to the savior, was the love and responsibility that my son's existence demanded. meanwhile Debbie and Gail had not the ability to make their family happen. i believe it was all brilliantly orchestrated before we got here. my theory is that my friends agreed to wait to have their precious Justin because i would need him too. God's a genius, two birds with one stone.
i also, as an adult carry the burden of my father's choices. not excuses, but real handicaps and obstacles to overcome. my pregnancy, knowing and loving Justin, my decision to place him for adoption, these things brought me out of darkness and to the atonement more than anything else has. not just to erase my sins, but to ease the burden of my father's, to bind up my broken heart, to fill the voids. and like you, in hindsight, i see the Lord's hand and i wouldn't have it any other way.
please NEVER feel sorry for me. though it was the deepest and most acute grief i've know, the hardest thing i've done, it has defined me. it is the foundation of my conversion. my testimony, to large degree, hinges upon my experience. it killed me! it BROKE my heart! but that life and that heart were no good. i needed to do some dying. i needed to be broken. the Lord has more than compensated with life and wholeness i'd never had known otherwise. I LEARNED LOVE! my worst day in the last 13 yrs is still better than my best day in my first 18! i cannot take thanx from him or his parents for giving them to eachother. he came to me on his way home as a missionarry! and they shared him with me! i can NEVER express gratitude adequate for the part they've played in saving my soul! i am delivered! i am rescued! the ache has faded, sweetness remains. i am no more broken but mended. i am GRATEFUL! i am blessed beyond my understanding! i LOVE this story!
whew, i get carried away, probably more than you were lookin for. i just have such a passion for this work.
thanx for sharin with ME.

response to "how do i ever choose a couple?"

2009-06-18T12:46:00.000-07:00

girl, i feel for ya. it was the heaviest responsibility my shoulders have ever carried! i mean, that's God's job right? deciding who goes to what family. hello! 17 and pregnant! obviously i struggle making good choices! ( ;
but it'd only ever affected me. this time, screwin up wasn't an option. i couldn't even sleep til i found them, for fear i'd choose wrong. i gave my caseworker my extensive and comprehensive list of criteria (this was back when there were only paper profiles) and she brought me my first 5 families. i opened the first file....not the family i'd ordered....there were many differences between them and what I THOUGHT i was looking for BUT, i felt something. i thought "like i'm gonna chose the first family!" i fully expected to view hundreds if not every possibility. again, this is huge! i'm gonna be thorough. so i went to scour through the other 4. they matched my preferences! they were what i was lookin for.....nothin. i tried to feel something but none of them drew me the way the first did. i couldn't get them out of my mind. i couldn't even finish the others with out going back to the first. it was such a contrast i took it to the Lord. i told him "ok, there may be somethin here. but before i pick a family, i'm gonna need some kinda burning bush! make the file glow in the dark or elevate off the desk!". the answer came through the Spirit and scripture that i was to show faith enough to go with the prompting i'd received and take a step. i was not going to be spoon fed. so, i did. i moved forward. i told my caseworker and she told me she knew i had to see that file.
as the next few days and weeks passed, i found i felt more and more at peace and somehow closer to these strangers. even before any contact, they'd become endeared to me.
i was allowed one face to face meeting with them (things were not as open in '96). i was SO freaked out! my son's opinion of me would be based mainly on how i represented myself to these 2 strangers! i must've tried on every ugly maternity outfit i had but nope, still fat. i wore TOO much makeup. and i PRAYED, hard, that i wouldn't be an idiot, that i'd be my best self, so that they could tell him he has the cutest, smartest, funnest, nicest birthmom! but i had another even more significant request of God. i told him that i knew they were his family, that i was grateful He'd shown me and for the peace of mind, that nothing would detur me from this course, but i asked...cautiously, could i please just have some little sign, just so i'd never doubt. and because i did first show faith and because of His tender mercies and because i asked, he gave liberally.
when those strangers walked into that little office, i knew them. i don't know how or from where or when but i KNOW i recognized their faces! and immediately they were in my heart, in the kind of way only family is.
while they were not what i had in mind initially, they were and are PERFECT! i can't imagine my life without them. i have total confidence in them and in my decision. i NEVER worry about him. NOW i understand that God knows i'm not that smart! it IS His job. i wasn't choosing a family, i was finding the family that God had chosen.
this is important to Him. trust me, he won't leave ya hangin. the one piece of advice i'd give is PRAY! like you've never prayed before!
besta luck. it's likely the hardest thing you'll ever do but if it's right, you CAN do it. and you WILL be alright.

adoption; then and now

2009-05-09T20:16:00.005-07:00

i should explain a couple things in regard to the previous post. agency policy in '96 was that all correspondence between the birth and adoptive families was to be facilitated by the agency. meaning neither party had identifying information about the other; last names, phone numbers, addresses. also policy dictated that all correspondence would be discontinued at the 5 year mark. this was part of an evolution, coming out of what i call "the dark ages of adoption". these were the days of coercion, shame, and secrecy. many current ideas about adoption unfortunetely, are based on what it used to be.
a woman or girl would choose adoption, not necessarily because she felt it was best for her child or herself, but often as a result of family, social, and/or religious pressure. often she'd be sent away from her friends and family and all the support she'd known, so as to hide her sin. and after carrying this child for 9 months and giving birth to him, they were discouraged to hold or touch or even see the child, thinking this would hurt them more or make them keep the baby. she'd have no information about the life or whereabouts of her child. after all this she was to go back to her life and try to forget, to pretend it hadn't happened. and i imagine, everyday she'd wake up wondering where her baby was, if he was being fed and taught and loved adequately, if he was well and happy. this, i believe is where we get the old idea that birthmothers are unstable and if given the chance would steal the baby back. i tell you, had i been under these circumstances, i WOULD have lost my mind!
now a birthmother is in total control. she is given the right to do what God has trusted her to do, find the best life for her child. agencies don't pressure but educate. and there is, as we all know, NO stigma attached to single parenting in our culture now, infact there's often judgment that accompanies the choice of adoption. so you know if anyone chooses it, they are doing it because it's what THEY feel is right. and that's the only way she'll ever have peace about it. she can select from thousands of families which one she feels is right. she can announce to them in what ever way she chooses that God has heard their prayers. she has the opportunity to form a relationship with them throughout the pregnancy, see their home, interact with them as a loved friend or family member. she can place her precious baby directly into the arms of the mother she's giving him. she may enjoy a continued closeness with them including contact ranging from letters and pictures for a time, to fitting comfortably in their home on a regular basis forever, as any other friend or family member, depending upon what they together agree works best for them. she knows he's happy and well taken care of. she knows he won't wonder if he was loved, she can tell him. she is most often loved and adored like never before by people who see the best in her. i've heard countless birthmoms express that upon seeing their child at home, in his family, it was reaffirmed to them that they'd made the right choice. they find comfort in the joy of the family they helped to create. i've heard many say to their own astonishment "i knew that wasn't MY baby".
less than 1 percent of the over a million crisis pregnancies every year results in an adoption. it is not the popular choice and certainly not the easy choice. it is a choice made at her own expense. a greater cost of tears and heart ache than she can prepare for. if she can choose this, she's proven she knows how to pray and follow wisdom, she knows how to put his best interest before her own. we've begun to see these are women who can be trusted.
not only the birthmother but all points of the adoption triad benefit from this evolution toward honesty, openness and compassion.
a child in those days often would discover at 8, 12, 16, or 35... that they were adopted. the information being withheld, i suppose, to protect the child from knowing that he was "unwanted" and "unloved" (that was difficult to even type) by the woman who gave him life. or from being different. so this child now has a major identity crisis. the people he trusted most in the world have withheld extremely significant information about who he is. "what else is a lie?". furthermore if and when he was told, it often came with a sense of shame or inferiority as this was something we whispered about, we spoke of as a disease, a skeleton in the closet. "i'm so sorry son, you're adopted". so he thinks "there is something wrong with me".
today, an adopted child is taught that being adopted makes him special. he has extra family, extra people who love him. that he was not abandoned but that he has his very own birthmom who loved him more than her life. who loved him so much, she gave him every thing he has. when i met Justin's parents they shared with me that every year they celebrate Jeremy's (Justin's older brother) birthday AND adoption day and tell him of the great love with which he came into the world and into his family.
people use to be afraid of confusion regarding parental roles should the birthmother be involved. we now know that if the adults aren't confused, the child won't be. the parents set the tone. if they are secure enough in their position as his parents to portray it in a positive way, he will adapt their attitudes.
i read a study that said the 2 most common questions adoptees would ask if they could were-"what does she look like?" and "why did she do it?". these questions are answered now and i believe it has a powerful effect on the child's sense of identity and belonging.
also blessed by the increase in openness and communication are the parents. beyond being in their child's best interest, they are blessed to know the woman who gave them this most precious of gifts, to share their love and gratitude with her. i know many women on both sides who say they found a best friend and a sister through adoption.
the old idea was that perhaps they would be threatened or displaced by eachother, that toes would be stepped on. this would be true if they were all trying to be parents but that's not what happens. i would NEVER challenge their role as his parents! Debbie is Justin's mother! the end! i couldn't fill her shoes if i tried! we have such delight in, and adoration for eachother! we were the answer to eachother's prayers. we both know the bitter taste of grief and loss, not being able to have what we long for on our own terms. we both know the joy that comes when we give our lives to Him who's wisdom is beyond our own, and how well he can compensate for our sacrifice. and we share a tremendous love of the same precious boy. i think enlightened adoptive parents figure "anyone who loves our baby this much is welcome". a birthmother has to trust more than she's ever trusted, and most families see fit to trust her back.
i truly believe this evolution has been inspired. i wish so much i had 13 yrs ago what so many have now but i'm SO grateful i had what i did, which wouldn't have been allowed 13 or even 3 yrs earlier.
what's more people to love, but a blessing?

wow....May, it's a doozie

2009-05-08T19:41:00.004-07:00

so saturday is birthmothers day, sunday is regular mothers day and Justin's birthday is a week from today. how did he get 13?! i miss those guys. it's been 7 yrs since correspondence was discontinued. i was asked the other day "so what's his birthday like for you?" i said that it's always different so i don't really have an expectation. as the years have passed, there is more and more of ...everything else on this special day and sometimes the day is over and i've been too occupied(though constantly aware)and haven't made the due reflection a priority. truth told, i'm still not sure what to do, HOW to remember. i mean, i remember EVERYday. there's no closed box tucked onto a shelf in the back of closet to take down and open.
i have developed a ritual i'm happy with, i fast that special day. a fast of gratitude to my Father in Heaven and Savior that through my inclusion in that special family, and through the atonement, i was called out of darkness. i take the opportunity to remember my captivity and my deliverance and thank God for the sweet association i share with the Nortons. also, i fast for their family, for their well being and that they'll be in His hands. but at the end of these last few 15th's i feel like i missed something if i haven't made it more. i hesitate to include those around me though i'd like to because it ISN'T to them what it is to me, and i once overheard someone close say that i just wanted attention. I did! is that exploiting something sacred? i hope not but yeah, i did want someone to pay attention to the day with me. and to pay attention to the sweet and bitter emotion that comes with my memories. what IS appropriate? i have had very loving participation from friends and family, earlier on especially. it's been most appreciated.
i know! i'll write. it was always difficult for me to write them when i had the opportunity and harder still knowing they won't read it any time soon but it's good for me and i imagine Justin and his family will be glad to have it some day. i miss those guys. i wish i had news. even if i could just somehow watch the movie of their lives as a distant observer. y'know, i do really well mosta the time but why can't we just have lunch? why can't we tell eachother thank you face to face? why can't i call her to tell her who i'm dating? why can't she tell me his milestones and how proud she is. i've never heard their story. i don't know how they fell in love. i don't know how or when they found they couldn't bear children and what they felt. i don't know how they came to adoption. i don't know how they got their Jeremy. i don't know the story about the day they heard Justin was coming home or about the day he did. i know these stories for so many other couples. my birthmom friends tell me. i've never said these things before. i AM grateful for what i had. it was what i needed to survive. and i know there were so many who placed before without so much as a letter or picture. my heart breaks for them. i AM so happy for the way things have evolved to include birthmoms in the joy of adoption. i AM happy for my friends. i know i am blessed and my needs are met. i know he has all he needs. i just wanna say happy mothers day to the mother who means most to me, second only to my own. i just want to give the hugs and kisses i've been storing up all these years and receive theirs. i know it'll happen. i'm just ready already! i miss those guys!

My testimony of the atonement

2009-04-26T20:26:00.002-07:00

this was a letter i wrote to a struggling friend years ago in which i give my personal account of the work of the atonement in my life, specifically, during my pregnancy.

i don't think we ever really understand the amazing miraculous power of the atonement. i had a MIGHTY change of heart when Justin came. it was so literal and so real to be "born again, a new creature" i no longer carried ANYTHING from my former life, none of the shames and none of the pains. i had new sight, new desires, new attitude, new personality. everything i'd lost PLUS everything i'd never had but should have. Even when i have given back some of those blessings, this is still a different life and a different Tamra than it was before then. my worst day as Tamra is better than my best day as Tammy, that poor girl. it reaches back in time, it retrieves what is so far gone we thought it was irretrievable, it gives us our vision back, it heals our sickest sicknesses, it binds even the heart broken a thousand times, it removes our handicaps! it teaches what we never knew and reminds what we forgot. 100 percent! i was brand new, i WAS a little child. i felt the tenderness of my Father in a way uncommon to this earthly experience. i still know it, i can never deny it, it did all that and more for me. you are not yet wasted. the Lord is offended when we think our sins are greater than his power to forgive and REDEEM. when we "don't understand his mercies". i have at times asked him to
remind me of that, when the enemy of my soul whispered to me that i was gone and
the Lord didn't even want me anymore, that i had reached the bounds of the
atonement. he has answered me specifically and definitely, thank goodness, even in
my unworthiness he called and invited me back. he still wants u too. we've both felt at times in our lives that the Lord wanted us for some good purpose, u think he doesn't anymore? nonsense. its only his work and his glory. he leaves the ninety and nine for us! there is a feast waiting for our return! its so affordable, we just have to b as little children and believe him. and its ok if we don't completely right now as long as we can ask in whatever sincerity we can conjure " help thou my
unbelief". i sometimes forget how to be as a little child so i ask my good
Father to teach me, and good Father's don't upbraid or withhold when asked for
help or good things. we may be tired, but we r not dead. we may be out of shape but we can work out for three minutes today and four tomorrow, and if we press forward
and endure, we'll b strong and healthy, get it? we've wasted time, but
not all of it. lets get what we want, better yet lets get what He wants, what we
never even thought to want.

my you tube video

2009-04-26T00:46:00.000-07:00

this is an interview Seth Adam Smith asked me to do. he's very talented and has many inspiring videos on you tube.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KGCxBmoAIAE

interview for itsaboutlove.org

2009-04-26T00:38:00.001-07:00

this site has me and several other birthmoms, ranging in openness and time lapsed since placement. all are beautiful, well spoken, powerful women.

https://beta.itsaboutlove.org/ial/ct/eng/site/pregnant/success-stories/

'08 FSA Birth mom panel

2009-04-26T00:33:00.000-07:00

the girls who presented with me were rock stars! i mean, seriously impressive people with incredible stories.

http://stream.lds.org/LDSFS/FSA_2008_08_02_FamiliesSupportAdoption__eng_.wmv

"And God remembered Rachel"

2009-04-26T00:16:00.000-07:00

but Rachel was barren” (Genesis 29:31). And Leah bore Reuben, then Simeon, then Levi, and Judah. Meanwhile, Rachel remained childless (see Genesis 29:32–35).

With ever-increasing envy and mounting desperation, one day Rachel explosively demanded of Jacob, “Give me children, or else I die” (Genesis 30:1). Leah subsequently bore two more sons and a daughter.

The Apostle Peter testified that “the Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness; but is longsuffering” toward us (2 Peter 3:9). In this age of one-hour dry cleaning and one-minute fast-food franchises, it may at times seem to us as though a loving Heavenly Father has misplaced our precious promises or He has put them on hold or filed them under the wrong name. Such were the feelings of Rachel.

But with the passage of time, we encounter four of the most beautiful words in holy writ: “And God remembered Rachel” (Genesis 30:22). And she was blessed with the birth of Joseph and later the birth of Benjamin. There are millions on earth today who are descendants of Joseph who have embraced the Abrahamic promise that through their efforts “shall all the families of the earth be blessed, even with the blessings of the Gospel, which are the blessings of salvation, even of life eternal” (Abraham 2:11).

When heaven’s promises sometimes seem afar off, I pray that each of us will embrace these exceeding great and precious promises and never let go. And just as God remembered Rachel, God will remember you. I so testify in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Claim the Exceeding Great and Precious Promises
Elder Spencer J. Condie
Of the Seventy

God "remembers" his children in different ways according to our need. He remembers many, who feel forgotten and forsaken in their childlessness, through adoption.

Luke 9: 24.

2009-04-26T00:04:00.000-07:00

For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: but whosoever will lose his life for my sake, the same shall save it.

To a mother, her child is her life. And i can attest this is true. By letting go of the most precious thing i've known in obedience to God, my hands and my heart and my life have been filled.

Matthew 19: 29 (one of my favorites)

2009-04-25T23:55:00.000-07:00

And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or CHILDREN, or lands, for my name’s sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life.

(an hundred fold....? that's alot. does that mean babies?!)

Mathew 18:5

2009-04-25T23:44:00.000-07:00

And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me.

PROMISE IN THE GARDEN,

2009-04-25T02:05:00.002-07:00

PROMISE IN THE GARDEN
A Story of Adoption and Redemption
by Linda Hyde (my momma)

This is the story of a girl named Promise.
She was a child of promise,
As all children are.
She came into life as
A delicate flower.
She grew and she blossomed
...And then she was bruised.
No one knows how it happened,
What went wrong -
How does one ever know -
It was never intended that it should happen:
Before she was hardly
Out of her youth,
She found herself with child.
How happy she was, in so many ways,
For she longed to give life,
To cause to bloom
...And yet how sad.
She was alone.
She felt she had no one,
No one who cared.
She dreamed a dream:
She walked in a mountain meadow,
The grass living silk beneath her feet.
She mused, she breathed, she felt the sun at her face.
At length, as she drew close to the top,
She saw that a garden wall graced the summit.
A garden!
An expectant crowd of green-and-silver leaves
Overhung the top of the wall.
A glimpse of blossoms,
A fragrance - a glorious feast of fragrance-
Graced her senses.
This was a garden to live in and to be nurtured all your days!
She wanted to go there,
She longed to be there.
She ran!
The going became arduous,
The way rocky.
She grew weary,
So weary.
Voices whispered in her ears:
A subtle hiss,
An intoxicating hint.
They led her where she did not want to go,
She went because she was bruised,
Bruised and broken.
She stumbled.
How very thirsty she was!
How she hungered!
How she longed for relief.
Someone dragged her to the garden gates
And left her there to mock her
(Knowing she could not get in).
"I will find a way!" she thought fiercely,
"I will go in!"
And she found a way,
Because she had the will.
She did not go in by the gate,
She did not come in as a guest.
She came in as a thief,
Clawing her way over the wall,
Dropping to the velvet turf
With a furtive crouch.
The scent!
The wild, happy aroma!
The air was awash with it,
Like water to swim in.
She floated on it till she was wafted
To a Tree, bursting with Fruit:
White, robust, lucid,
And so fragrant.
"I must have it!" she cried.
She jumped, she leaped,
She grasped,
And came down
With the fruit in her hand.
Joy! Joy! Joy!
"It is all I have ever wished for,
It is all I want;
I will eat it and never hunger,
I will drink it and never thirst!"
Up the fruit rose in her hand,
Her lips parted wide,
Her teeth making ready,
Her tongue anticipating…
Then came a sound,
Such a sound to make one's
Heart come alive.
Two sat weeping
Beside the tree.
Weeping!
Her hand froze,
The fruit stayed suspended,
Like a diadem.
Their weeping was loss, sorrow,
Longing, longing, longing!
Down by her side, tucked within the folds of her skirt,
Went the fruit, gripped yet more tightly.
But she must know...
Her heart breaking for them,
She ran and fell at their feet -
"What can it be?
What is this weeping?"
A gasp within her -
What was this?
Desire to aid,
Desire to save
From this unknown tragedy?
What had she to give?
Their story brought an icy wind
To chill her heart.
Their lot in this garden was to tend,
But not to pick, the fruit.
They had entered in at the gate,
The had come up by the way,
They were entitled to the fruit,
But they could not pluck it.
If they were to have it, it was to be given them
Only by someone else.

The fruit in her hand was a living fire;
Her hand burned with it.
She must give it to them:
It was theirs;
But the choice was hers.

There was no choice to be made!
The fire melted the ice,
Her hand reached out,
The fruit was offered.

How happy they were!
How sad she was.
She must die with sadness.
She must be buried in the dirt,
She must sink into the soil,
She must cease to be.

Darkness,
Suddenly cleaved by the Light.
Warmth revived the fainting seed.
She was lifted up.
Like a blossom in the palm,
She lay resting.

A Voice whispered in her ear,
One she knew from Everlasting.
Like a seedling rising to the Sun,
She turned to it.
Her heart listened.
She opened her eyes to see Him.

"You have done for them
What they could not do for themselves,"
He told her, his gratitude like lightning,
His words like living water.
"You are mine."

Gently out of the hollow of His hand,
She came to rest again in the meadow,
The green living silk cushioning
Like a comforter.

Promise, with child, awoke,
Knowing what she would do.
Then, she would climb,
And not alone.
As she had cared for them,
Others cared for her.
She would go in by the gate.
She would find her friends.

There is a garden in her heart;
From it He whispers his promise:
"I will do for you what
You cannot do for yourself."

Linda Jean Rainey Hyde
8148 Donnell Rd
Millington, TN 38053
901-829-4852
BroHam000@aol.com
Millington ward, Memphis North stake

Isaiah 61:3

2009-04-25T01:49:00.000-07:00

To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness....

this is one my momma brings up. i love it. it's about the miraculous, unexpected compensation when you think nothing can.

my momma's account

2009-04-25T01:27:00.000-07:00

I always thought I would die if this happened. I thought I could not possibly survive it. I didn't really believe it could happen. But it did. And looking back, it should not really have been a surprise. This daughter had been "bucking our system" since she was 2 ½ years old. I had been praying and fasting for her for years. But instead of asking myself, "What can I do to help my child get better?", I spent an inordinate amount of time and energy bemoaning the pathetic state of my mothering capabilities. In that sense, in the sense of incapacitating fear, I watched helplessly as her life spiraled downward. And it was no surprise when she became pregnant. For us both, even for our whole family perhaps, it was the Lord's wake-up call.
I had been pining before the Lord that our family wasn't like my family, the family I grew up in. I had brought before the Lord all my husband's faults, not realizing that my own lack of courage and confidence kept me from being a true helpmeet for him. In this atmosphere, our family floundered. I say floundered, because we did not give up and drown; instead, we, my husband and I, kept the covenants we had made before the Lord in the temple. We persevered in family prayer and scripture study, and in family home evening. Our daughter, though caught up in a moral quagmire, was thus able to distinguish between her feelings for her family and her feelings about the Gospel. She stayed active, she kept the Word of Wisdom, she paid her tithing. Thus, the Lord's life preserver kept us afloat, though floundering.
Our daughter's pregnancy brought everything before us in stark reality. Shall we sink or swim? Shall we abandon her to her choice of a doomed marriage and/or single parenting? Shall we offer to take her and her child in and provide for them if necessary? Shall we do what we've done best in the past, and exert undue pressure on her, to place for adoption? To choose any of those options would subject us to sinking. And we kind of did. We told her we respected her right to choose, but we made it very clear that we would expect her to do whatever she had to do to take care of her baby. She could not live with us, she could not expect financial assistance. She was 17, she could go out on her own. From now on, I told her when we found out (she and I together, at the same time) she was pregnant, none of our needs count any more; the welfare of this child is the top priority. And I made it clear that that meant placing for adoption.
Well, everything we said had reason. It was good reasoning. It was also hard reasoning. Mercifully, the Lord came to our rescue. We had been talking with a Church Family Services representative. Our daughter cared enough about pleasing her Father in Heaven to give her a reluctant hearing. We saw the Church video which discussed her options. Of course we were all the more persuaded about adoption. At this point, however, we began to see that we needed to back off and give the Spirit a little more room to operate. When she came to me and said that she had decided to marry and keep the baby, I stayed calm. I asked her only to call the Family Services sister and to inform her of her decision. Somehow this dear lady was able to persuade her to postpone her decision until she had been away from home for a little while, living with another family in the Church, distanced from the emotional pressure of family and boyfriend. If she still felt that way when she came home in three weeks for Christmas, then so be it.
I felt relieved and hopeful.
Our sweet daughter had always had a very tender heart. Though adamantly resistant to, shall we say, unrighteous dominion, and perhaps with a stubborn streak to begin with, it was always she who showed the most concern for me when I was ill or had just delivered a baby. She was forever wanting puppies and kittens, and had managed to acquire three house cats, though I had always said I would never have a pet in the house. She had a strong "save the world" inclination. And she had always wanted to have her very own little baby.
Once away for a time, her tender heart won out. Her situation made itself much more clear to her. It wasn't long before she acknowledged in her mind that adoption was the best thing for this little one. It took some time, some aching pleading with the Lord, however, before her heart agreed. She decided to place for adoption, not through our efforts, but in spite of them.
From that point on, my admiration and appreciation for her and for her righteous desires began to grow by leaps and bounds. She continued to live away from home and received her GED. When she realized that her boyfriend had no real interest in the baby once it was clear she wanted to place for adoption, she let go of her boyfriend. She attended group sessions with other young women in her situation. She tried to build her relationship with the Lord on a stronger foundation. As the time for delivery was only a few months away, she prayed fervently for guidance in choosing the right family, and the Lord answered her prayers in a very direct way, assuring her that he was very much a part of this process.
In the meantime, I believe I came to see that there was much more that I could do to grow in personal righteousness as well. I started examining my own life with a little more faith and frankly, with a little more kindness. Consequently, I began to view my family and my husband with a little more kindness as well. I began to know that personal righteousness is at the crux of all our walk in life. I do not think it a coincidence that it was around that time that I could finally say I was happily married.
When the time came for our dear daughter to deliver the baby, I drove down to be with her. As I observed the doctor and nurses and grew concerned about some of their actions, the Lord let me know that this child would be born strong and healthy. When he made his entrance, I know that there were angels in the room. I could feel their presence, and I knew that what I was witnessing was holy. I speak not only of the birth of a child, but also of the fact that this was a special birth; this child was being brought into life in behalf of a family who could not bring it to pass on their own. In that sense, this birth was a vicarious act of love.
At the time she delivered, the policy was not as open as it is now. The only time she had with Justin was that short time in the hospital. State law allowed ten days for the birth mother to change her mind, during which time the baby would be placed in a foster home; desiring that Justin be placed as directly as possible from his birth mother's arms to his adoptive mother's arms, our daughter waived that ten days' allowance. I was with her for the next thirty-odd hours in the hospital. As in the delivery room, so there was a holy presence in that recovery room, as we enjoyed the company of this sweet child. We both felt that he was truly special, with a great destiny. And I know that our sweet daughter was comforted in her decision, though still dreading its outcome.
Too soon, she dressed him in the best outfit and fed him for the last time. The brethren from Family Services came to effect the transition. They were to carry Justin to his family. She signed all the necessary papers, then took him in her arms. I can never write of this moment without crying. Tears coursed down her cheeks as she silently expressed to him enough love to last a lifetime. That precious Justin, barely two days old, purposely reached out his little arm and with his tiny fist patted her face, gazing meaningfully into her face. This is all true. Then she handed him over and he was gone. It was the most noble act I personally have ever witnessed.
Until Justin was five years old, she received pictures and letters, and treasured them. She still treasures them.
Twelve years later, she has never ever regretted her decision. She knows that she was an instrument through whom Justin was enabled to come to his own family. However, the ensuing weeks and months were anything but easy. I don't know how it would be for any other young woman; for our tender-hearted girl, it was a time of grieving, sometimes almost inconsolably. There was even spiritual darkness at times. She talked to almost anyone about it, she showed her pictures to people. She worked through it. She suffered, but she was also refined. She became a new person.
What do I wish I would have known, or that someone would have told me in order to be prepared for this situation? That it is survivable; that placing for adoption has a deep redemptive power; that charity truly never faileth. Maybe I had do learn these things for myself.
In the years since, I have seen that in all her trials she has been supported. She has been miraculously preserved from harm in several situations. God does not abandon those who have bended themselves to his will. She has been able to be a huge influence in the lives of many women as she has worked with Family Services in various settings. She has also helped adoptive parents understand better the birth mother of their child. She continues today to serve in capacities of support and help to young people.
My plea to anyone in this situation is, honor the agency of your child. Plead with God for charity and wisdom. Consider seriously God's will, and bend yourself to it as you pray that your child will in her time of decision. Trust in his love and support. Explain simply but clearly to siblings what is happening and why, emphasizing that love and support are tantamount. Listen to and validate their concerns. Know that you will survive this difficult trial. Have charity and know that you will all be healed in his time. In all likelihood, it will take a lot of time. But that's what "time" is for.
In retrospect, I can see that, as always, through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, ashes have been turned into beauty. We are better and stronger and happier, and more able to reach out to others in their afflictions. Our children know that they can count on each other in times of trial and in times of rejoicing. We are able to talk over and work through the difficulties of the past. My husband and I are eternally, joyfully, committed to each other For this I am thankful not only to my Heavenly Father, but also to the sweet daughter through whose instrumentality so many of these blessings have come.

Because i loved him THAT much

2009-04-25T00:25:00.000-07:00

this is a piece i wrote about a yr ago for LDS Family Services.
https://beta.itsaboutlove.org/ial/ct/eng/site/pregnant/success-stories/

People often don't understand my choice. Many respond with pity on their faces as if to say, "You poor thing". I tell them, "Don't feel sorry for me; I'm a lucky girl." This is the happiest story I know.
Some will say, "Well, it's best that you placed your son for adoption, because you needed your education and to finish growing up," or things of that nature. And while it is true that I am blessed to pursue the educational and social prospects of my choosing in a way I would not have been able to with a child, and although I've been endlessly blessed by my choice, none of these facts constitute why I chose.
Of course I enjoy spending my time and money the way I want. Of course I feel blessed to date without the added complication of being a single parent. And of course I love the independent young adult experience and all I gain from it. I can tell you, though, without hesitation, that I would have given it all up to have my Justin's hand in mine. I would have sacrificed all that was mine....but I would not sacrifice what could be his.
There are those who say, "But Tamra, you could have made it work! You were 18, you had money enough, your boyfriend wanted to marry you! You're a good person and you loved your baby so much!"
I confess this was my thinking for the first several months of pregnancy. I was not one of "those girls;" I'd be a good mom.....but not the best. I was enough....he could have more. And I had had the "more:" two parents who'd prepared for me, who chose me, and most importantly, to whom I am sealed in a forever family.
How could I tell my son, "Not for you."? Even with all my bargaining and rationalizing, at the end of the day I could not, even at my best, make up the difference between me and the family he COULD have. No amount of overcompensation would have been sufficient.
Many will just ask, "How? How did you do it?" I still don't know. I didn't. I couldn't have. The choice I made defied my instinct as a woman, as a human being, even as a mammal. To give away a piece of myself, my very heart, flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone -- it seemed the very air from my lungs went with him. It was impossible....for me.
And then to survive! But more -- to fare as I never had, with a new peace that felt like breathing true oxygen for the first time! I thought that to make this choice would leave me broken for life; instead, I am mended. None of this was or could have been my doing. That sort of strength comes from a source beyond myself.
As I held my baby, my Justin, in the hospital room, where the veil between here and heaven became so thin, my doctor stood silent in the door for a moment, watching as I sang to my little treasure, as I stared, endeavoring to memorize his face. He saw the love in my eyes and said, "You won't go through with it."
What he and many others don't understand is, it is BECAUSE I loved him that much, that I was able to do this impossible thing. Had I loved him an ounce less, I would never have let go. It was the only way I could break my own heart and let him go home to those who were his -- and I know now that he was theirs before he was mine. THEY shared him with ME. They are an extension of my family in a way I cannot explain. When we met, I recognized them. I can't tell you from when or where; I don't know the conversations we had or the nature of our relationship, but I knew those faces! And immediately in my heart I felt family love for them. Never before or since have I experienced anything to approach it.
There are a thousand reasons why my choice has been right and perfect for all whose lives have been affected, but THE reason is.... I asked: "Father....what do I do?" Before I knew or understood any of the wisdom or logic of it, I knew the Lord's will for my baby and me, and I allowed my own will be swallowed up in it.
"Didn't you want your baby?"
More than I have ever wanted anything. He wasn't mine.
He has been my missionary. I bless his family for being willing to wait while he fulfilled that mission. My heart has been mightily changed.
We were both born that day.

letter to another inquiring friend in crisis pregnancy

2009-04-25T00:10:00.001-07:00

X! I'm real proud of you girl. i can tell you're taking this seriously and really want to do what's right, and only you really have that stuardship to know. i would never presume to tell you what you should do because i get to walk away and you are the one who will walk the path chosen. anybody else's conviction won't give you the peace of mind you will NEED. but i can tell you my story. all i wanted was just to KNOW, whatever choice i made, i just wanted to have peace the next day and 50 yrs later that i did right by my son. i didn't want to doubt or wonder-could my son have had better or more? it was the greatest responsibility and most difficult decision of my life. i was so frustrated that i couldn't tell the future. i wanted to see the end of every path. that's where i found myself on my knees. honey i promise i know how you feel but it's your enemy who seeks your destruction who gives you reasons not to pray! they are lies, tricks. don't let anything keep you from the help and clarity and calm and guidance the Lord is anxiously waiting to give you liberally! the stakes are too high. X he loves you! you are dear to the heart of the shepherd. this experience can be the best thing that ever happened to you! it was for me. couldn't see it from the beginning. i thought my life was over but it hadn't even begun! i lost so much of myself through this experience and it hurt! but those parts were no good and i was blessed to die in those ways to make room for a REAL and miraculous rebirth! your Father wants you! i've sensed so much in you that you are a valiant one with some great mission and purpose. i really love you X! i want to see you happy, walking in that light. you should have that. you really can. i feel so much for you that i can't fight tears, for how hard it is right now but believe it or not i'm exited for you for what it can be! from my deepest grief came my most choice blessings! i wouldn't change anything! i'd suffer it all again! the Lord compensates with mercy we can't imagine! i learned love! it was bigger and greater than i'd ever thought possible! i learned faith. to suspend my fears for myself and the unknown for the will of the Father and the love of another. i thought my choice would leave me broken but i took the path anyway, because the Lord told me it was what was right for my little boy. i am not broken but mended! i've been so tenderly defended and delivered and carried! i had never known anything but a heart broken by the world. i was healed of wounds i thought were too deep to ever heal! the Lord honors sacrifice and what more precious thing could be put on the alter? i love my life! i love my choice! i LOVE that little angel boy! i love the life he has! i LOVE that family who was ALWAYS his! i love Jesus Christ! i can't believe what he's done for me!

you said that you feel like he should be with you. of course you do! it's your instinct. you're a good person with a feeling heart. of course you want your baby! i said for so long almost defiantly-"he's mine! he's mine!" but he wasn't mine. he belonged to his Father in heaven, so do i, so do you. and i had been trusted with him.

you're gonna receive more advise than ever at this time and i don't want to add to any feelings of being overwhelmed by it. just ask for the Holy Ghost to guide you in which is good and useful and discard what isn't. i'm not gonna lie and say that i don't think adoption would afford you the greatest happiness and peace of mind, the kind that lasts and sustains, but i know what was right for us might not be what is right for you and again, i know only you can KNOW. you CAN know, X. you've got a heart that is tender and compassionate and i know you love the Lord and this child and want to do right. i believe you will. don't be scared X. be still and know that you are in His hands. be believing. hold to the rod, the anchor, and nothing can shake you! member that AWESOME fire circle on that mesa about the path of stone? there is a rock for you to stand on! firm and strong when we are weak.

you let me know if i've said too much or overstepped. if this is not useful to you, i won't be offended. i only hope with all my heart that i can bear your burden with you in some way. it's a burden i've known. i've included below some peices written by my mother and myself and also a few links that i hope can help or comfort or guide. but again, if it's not what you need then disregard. you'll find your way, love. you're a good girl.

i love you X! you're in my prayers!

Tamra

i just heard this on sunday. i had to find it for you-

"I have prayed, as you have, to know what to do when choices that I faced would have eternal consequences. Over many years I have seen a recurring pattern in the times when the answers to such a prayer have come most clearly.

Once, for instance, I prayed through the night to know what I was to choose to do in the morning. I knew that no other choice could have had a greater effect on the lives of others and on my own. I knew what choice looked most comfortable to me. I knew what outcome I wanted. But I could not see the future. I could not see which choice would lead to which outcome. So the risk of being wrong seemed too great to me.

I prayed, but for hours there seemed to be no answer. Just before dawn, a feeling came over me. More than at any time since I had been a child, I felt like one. My heart and my mind seemed to grow very quiet. There was a peace in that inner stillness.

Somewhat to my surprise, I found myself praying, "Heavenly Father, it doesn't matter what I want. I don't care anymore what I want. I only want that Thy will be done. That is all that I want. Please tell me what to do."

In that moment I felt as quiet inside as I had ever felt. And the message came, and I was sure who it was from. It was clear what I was to do. I received no promise of the outcome. There was only the assurance that I was a child who had been told what path led to whatever He wanted for me.

I learned from that experience and countless repetitions that the description of the Holy Ghost as a still, small voice is real. It is poetic, but it is not poetry. Only when my heart has been still and quiet, in submission like a little child, has the Spirit been clearly audible to my heart and mind."

(As a Child- Henry B Eyring)

this is almost exactly how it happened for me. i DID NOT want adoption! but i did want to do right by my son and by God. i'd pleaded with him to direct me but left out that option. i gave the Lord multiple choice-A,B,orC but i left out D. i was more than willing to marry that guy who wasn't for me, who i'd never been happy with and probably never would, even if it meant divorce (which in my heart of hearts i knew it would). i was willing to be a single parent with all the sacrifices that accompany that choice. i didn't care if i never went to school, i didn't care if i'd miss the single adult experience, even if i never got married, if i could just keep my son. i begged and i bargained. i counseled the Lord instead of seeking counsel from him. i told him i'd dedicate my life to this child! i'll never sin again! i'll overcompensate! just let me keep him! but then one day, frustrated, full of confusion, and at my very end, having been unable to find a consistent peace in any of these choices, i wept to my Father "i've worked so hard, i've removed the sin from my life, i'm trying to repent, i read and i pray! i haven't gotten an answer! PLEASE help me! i need to know!" and the reply came with clear words if not a voice "Tamra. Give the Lord your will". and the thing is, i'd thought i had. but in that moment i understood for the first time what it meant. thy will be done means- whatever happens, if it kills me, if it is the very thing most precious to me that you require, thy will be done. it doesn't mean- i'll do anything except....or thy will be done if it's the same as mine. it is what Moses' mother understood as she put her son in a basket on the River and trusted the Lord's hands to be more capable than her own. it was what Abraham understood as, with heaviest heart he placed his only son by his wife Sariah, for whom he'd prayed and waited, literally on the sacrificial alter.

in my humility, i obeyed. i said, and for the first time really meaning it "alright, thy will be done". the answer came. it was what i had dreaded and wept at the thought of...so why did it come with peace? i was astonished. i went downstairs and when i vocalized the the choice that had been communicated to me "i've decided to place my son for adoption", a feeling, a physical feeling, started at the top of my head and moved through my body. peace was new and therefore unmistakable to me. i didn't know what would happen to me. all i knew was that i was not for that little boy. and i didn't know how, but i knew i'd be able to do this impossible thing, that somehow this would work. i don't know if i could've said i "knew" anything before that moment. but this, i knew, and i still know. the feeling and mood of my pregnancy changed at this point. there was clarity, calm, there was an increase of confidence. while it wasn't MY plan A,B, or C, i was relieved to know the answer to the most significant question i'd ever asked "where does this baby belong?"

so i just paused in the writing of this to read your email. i wasn't gonna send it til i heard back. (-; don't wanna bombard you.

i think you're right about that God has a plan for all of us, where we should be. donno if you had a chance to read the first article after my letter but it shares the experience i had which let me know in no uncertain terms that he just wasn't mine. i didn't choose that family, i found the family God had already chosen for him. before i understood this i took it personal that the Lord told me no. i though "but i'm a good person, i'd be a good mom!" i was hurt the Lord didn't trust me. but that's now what it was at all. he belonged with them. i was a good person and i would be a good mom! it just wasn't my time. he came to me on his way home because i needed him too. he was my awakening, my new beginning. he was my motivation to live the good life my Father had wanted for me. i CAN'T BELIEVE how blessed i am!

i'm sure you probably know there is a group you can attend with other girls in your shoes and those just on the other side of it. if you haven't attended, believe me, no one will try to pressure you or take your baby, but they can support you and love you and show you this is survivable.

you don't gotta be worthy to pray. you just gotta be His child. if my Justin ever hesitated to come to me because of mistakes he'd made it would break my heart. and God is a perfect parent! the stakes are high over you. there's a battle going on over you. God wants you, and for the same reason, so does the enemy. just ask X. if you lack the faith ask for it. if you lack the humility ask for it. whatever keeps you from praying, ask for it to be removed.

thanx so much for writin back! i'm so honored to know you! you really are special. choose to believe it!

i love you! i wish i were there to sing you hymns.

Tamra

letter to inquiring friend in crisis pregnancy

2009-04-25T00:06:00.002-07:00

Hey! glad you did the makin of an asking (-;
i'll give you short answers here that don't even begin to cover it but i'm tryin to get up there next weekend. could we do lunch or somethin?
so, i was with J almost 2 yrs and when he found out he didn't tell his folx for quite some time. i think he was holdin out for a miscarriage. but at the same time, he'd already asked me to marry him before i was pregnant (though i was only 17 [embarrassing]) so he was kinda like- yeah! now she has to! and i did become engaged to him in the first trimester, knowing i'd never be happy with him and it would in all likelihood end in divorce. but it meant i could keep my baby and i thought i could satisfy my conscience with that choice. i was willing to be unhappy in marriage and/or divorced just so long as i could have my boy. but i couldn't stay satisfied with that. i knew it would be doing justin no favor to give him that sort of family. it took relocating to get that perspective. my case worker (divinely inspired) persuaded me to stall my plans 2 months and move from memphis to atlanta to get some distance and perspective. to have the opportunity to think in a quiet place without parents who insisted i give this child up, without a boyfriend who was full of fairy tales and fantasies about the life we'd have, without friends who said it would all be so fun and cute and who assured they'd be there for me, and without others who asked "are you really gonna have it?". she invited me to consider it from afar and if at the end of 2 months it was still my choice to marry we'd all feel more comfortable about it. well this was '95 so only rock stars had cell phone and we couldn't afford much long distance so.... i began to notice that, while i missed him almost unbearably (as we were so codependently addicted to eachother) i would regress on the days we'd talk. i'd become confused again. see, i was working SO hard to get the spirit in my life because i knew i'd need that to be a good mom, whatever that would mean for us. i was repenting to the best of my ability and it was working....but not when he was in my life. so i broke it off. getting married woulda let me off the hook, so to speak, but at the detriment of my boy. i did not choose to place at this time however. as you know it is a most terrifying prospect to consider. i was asking God to tell me what to do but then i was telling him what that should be. i was counseling him and not seeking council from him. i was saying "whatever's best for my baby" and "thy will be done" but in my heart i was saying "except that. i promise to obey, just don't ask me to do that". i begged and i bargained, i promised i'd work triple hard and find a way to compensate for the difference between me, and a family-with preparation, maturity, experience, a father, the priesthood, the sealing covenant, etc. i knew i was a good person and i loved him so much already, i'd be a good mom! but in these efforts i found no peace and i was frustrated. one day at the absolute end of my wits, exhausted by my own willful defiance and overwhelmed by the responsibility placed on me, i came to the Lord and said "i've done everything you've told me. i study, i pray, i forgive, etc.....i need you to tell me what to do! please! just tell me what to do!" it was then i heard, certainly with words if not a voice, "Tamra, give the Lord your will". and at that moment, for the first time, i did. the spirit translated to me that- thy will be done- doesn't mean-as long as its my will, or A,B,or C but not D. it means- i know i don't have the answer, i need you to guide me. it means-if it kills me, thy will be done. and in this case, that's almost what i expected. i knew this was bigger than me. beyond my own capacity. and i thought it would destroy me. i didn't know how i'd do it, but i knew there would be a way provided. i imagine perhaps something of what the saints felt when they were asked to leave their nauvoo and cross the plains, or nephi when the lord commanded him to build a ship. certainly akin to what Abraham felt as he placed the son he'd prayed for on the sacrificial alter. certainly what Moses' mother must've felt as she trusted her little baby in a basket on the river into God's hands. i let go of my will for obedience and for the love of my child and my desires for his best interest. and immediately....a calm....like i hadn't felt since childhood if ever. and then the first time i said it out loud a physical feeling i cant describe started at my head and moved through my body. the anxiety i'd felt at the thought of adoption dissipated. it was going to be alright. we were in the Lord's hands now.
i realize now, it didn't mean i wouldn't have been a great mom for him. it's a good, better, best thing. when there was better, and when I'D had better, how could i tell him "no son, not for you. it would've hurt ME too badly".
i wasn't destroyed! it wasn't the end for me! but the beginning for both of us! it hurt in a way i don't know words for. but it has been so compassionately compensated for. somehow, He made it worth it. i suffered like never but with peace like never. and i've been refined. i was converted and baptized by this experience. it broke my heart, but that heart was no good. i have a new heart. it did kill me in a sense but it was a merciful death and i was born new with my son. how, out of SUCH grief is it that i now can't speak of it without rejoicing and being filled with gratitude? my boy is home. he was theirs before he was mine. i've never worried about him. not once. i'm SO blessed i know that family!
so,does that cover your questions..... i shoulda known i couldn't be brief. i never can on this subject. but i still hope we can get together. i got lots more (-;. and i'd love to hear your story. please o please don't be offended by anything i said. it's MY story, it's what was right for US. YOU are the one who has to find peace in your own decision. no one else's will sustain you.
hope this isn't too heavy. i feel for ya girl. it's a lotta weight to carry, literally an figuratively (-;. you CAN do it though.
peace. please write back and share your thoughts or ask me anything.

o boy.... i realize now there are a couple things i did not address in the previous ....note. you asked if he knew i placed and if i still talk to him....J.
so, i continued to talk to him from time to time during pregnancy in an effort to be fair and allow him to be involved. and also because even though i knew he didn't fit in my life i still missed him like mad. and mostly because....it's hard! i needed someone to share it with, help shoulder the burden. God did not intend his little girls to go through this alone! in retrospect i wish i'd've minimized contact even more.
i asked him once what he felt about adoption, before i was even considering it. he told me he'd never allow it. that he'd take the baby from me before he'd have strangers raising his child. y'know, i think he was just desperately trying to hold on to me. he knew as long as we had a child in common, he'd always have me. but i think really he was terrified of the responsibility of being a father. and his behavior in my absence demonstrated he was more interested in being young and wild and single than a grown up or family man.
so when i decided on adoption i was nervous how he'd react. but he calmly said "it's right". i gotta ask him someday what th heck happened.
i offered him every opportunity to be a part of it. to visit, to help pick the family, to be at the birth. and he professed a willingness and desire to do all these things. and i now think it was a blessing he ultimately declined the involvement i offered. while i resented him for that with all my lonely little heart at the time, it wouldn't've fit. it would've confused me and added so much stress.
after i placed and came home, i was so lonely. a different lonely now. there's nothing else like it. and i thought i was totally alone in my grief. i'd never known another birthmom and no one really understood what i felt. desperate for someone to share it with and thinking, if anyone it should be him, when he called to see me, finally, i did. i tried to tell him my story but it was forced and uncomfortable. i showed him my precious pictures trying to draw something from him but couldn't. he said to me, perhaps sensing my efforts to get something from him he didn't have- "Tamra, your son has never been a reality to me". sounds harsh, right? i'm so glad he said it. i was casting my pearls before swine. not to be insulting or say that he was a pig. it's just, swine don't know pearls from rocks. they have no value or meaning to them. J wasn't a part of our story. i can't think of the J life and the justin life at the same time. 2 different girls. you'll never hear me refer to him as "the dad". i say my x boyfriend or if i HAVE to be more specific "the guy that got me pregnant".
i think that when "birthfather" comes up someday when i'm talking to my justin he'll say " huh....he's never been a reality to me.
i'm not bitter (anymore) in saying these things. i've forgiven and i really wish him well. in fact it wasn't until i forgave him that i could finally let him go from my heart.
it took a couple yrs to get over him. that intimacy does what its sposed to, i tell you what! i see now why God said- no, not now, wait. he was trying to protect me. that bond is a blessing when it "seals" you to him who you choose, who is right for you. but a curse when its taken out of context. it was nothing short of the hand of God that allowed me to get out. i thought i could never feel that way for anyone else and that i'd always feel for him.
i saw him at a wedding a few years after placing. i didn't know what to expect. he could've been any person to me. no malice or resentment, no particular affection of any kind. it is a blessing.
GEEZ tamra! long winded maybe? again, this chapter is my favorite part of my story so far. i love to talk about it.

what's your story with the father? if you don't mind my asking