"I contacted a family I had a good feeling about...until I they reponded they prefer to not have physical contact after placement which i KNOW i want"

response to Email from a young women considering families.
I just recently contacted my first family and I really had a good feeling about them...that is until I got their response. And now, I'm pretty sure they're not the ones. My reason being, that they told me they prefer not to have physical contact with the birth mom after placement and that is something I KNOW I want. I want to be able to physical see my child every now and then. I don't mean every week, every month, or even every year. I can settle for seeing her every few years.
HEY! so, in regard to openness, YES! your caseworker is right. i tell ya it frustrates me so much to find couples who are essentially shootin themselves in the foot. openness is better for THEM too and MOST importantly, for their child! here's my take on how these things should work; i really believe it should be like any other real and living relationship. that doesn't mean without boundaries, EVERY relationship need boundaries, spouse, sibling, parent/child. but this does not mean that we micro-manage or over regulate. these boundaries need not be fear based. it is the greatest insult and deepest wound to a birthmother to not be trusted by the people who she trusts with what is MOST precious to her. i mean, i don't set up "schedules" or "visitation" with my cousins or siblings or friends. we are delighted to see each other when we can, and we trust each others judgment and common sense. we trust eachother to be courteous and not overstep or intrude. a birthmom, by choosing adoption, has already proven that A. she can receive guidance from the holy ghost and be obedient. B. she can put the best interest of her child before her own. and C. she has maturity and foresight and wisdom. i think when couples are closed, it can come from a few factors. they may still be grieving or insecure about their infertility. this can cause a jealousy or feeling of competition or being threatened by birthparents. most often, i think it's fear that comes from a lack of education on the matter. the old school idea, from before we talked about these things, when a birthmother had no representation, was that these women relinquished because they were so unstable and in competent that they would be horrible parents. the problem with this logic is that instability and incompetence (as is demonstrated by the fact that the younger a girl, the less likely to place) would prohibit them from seeing the wisdom of the choice to place. i've seen couples who would say things like "well is it our baby or isn't it?", "we don't want to have to answer to someone else about our parenting", "won't the child be confused?", "what if she's a bad influence, or interfering?". i have seen such couples through prayer and education come to "get it" and be at peace and open themselves to one of the sweetest friendships they'll know. the best way i've seen this education happen is by hearing experiences of others. particularly by meeting and interacting with women who've already placed. they begin to see that birth parents are people, but beyond that that they are extraordinary people. that they are not a different species, but they are their brothers and sisters and not exempt from their charity or empathy, they are people who could fit well and easily into their families and circles of friends. people who they'd be GLAD to know and love. also very impactful is meeting adoptive parents with successful open adoptions and hearing them bear testimony of the benefits and miraculous blessings that can accompany this unique and special relationship. it can be SO sweet! on every side. i encourage you to find a way to interview such couples, hear their stories and how they feel about their birthmoms. i LOVE when i meet A-parents and tell them i'm a birthmom and they instantly have such respect and love and often tears in their eyes.
i couldn't have in person contact with my family, it just wasn't done at that time unfortunately. but their "way of being" their hearts toward me were open. such that, i knew if they could they would. that was enough. just knowing and being assured of their deep love and high esteem of me brings a peace i could'ta done without. they never ceased thanking me, and i never ceased turning it around. i was SO SO grateful to them! i was the answer to their prayers that their Justin would come home. but they were the answer to mine that he would have everything! and then they loved me. i think my trust, adoration, and admiration invites theirs, and theirs invites mine.
of course, all that said, and while openness is DEFINITELY something to take into consideration, i have to counsel you to follow the promptings of the spirit. we don't know what the Lord does. he knows their hears and where they are in their learning and what they need. He knows how to teach them. He knows what tomorrow can do.
my suggestion would be that, if you really feel strongly about this family, communicate openly and frankly about your situation. that you feel to pursue this path but that you also feel strongly about an open adoption. ask them about their concerns and validate how they feel. share your thoughts on the matter and why you think open is best and then encourage them to research, to hear the experiences of those who have had positive experiences, to interact with birthparents in their area (their agency would gladly facilitate), but most importantly to fast and pray on the matter with an open heart, and then add your prayers to theirs. i've seen this work. i knew a couple who before being found were terrified of openness but later would ask me "Tamra, why don't we hear from our B-mom more often? we miss her". also getting to know you, seeing your humanity, knowing your good heart, these things will soften their hearts and open their eyes. and even if this is not your family, they'll be better for it, it will be part of their progress to finding their baby. i've learned i have to be patient with people who don't get it yet. there was a time when i was new to it all and had some VERY backward ideas about adoption. i laugh now at some of the concerns i had. just because they don't know yet, doesn't mean they won't.
as far as healing, really, my observation over these last 13 yrs of involvement shows the best thing for a smooth recovery and peaceful post placement experience is openness and the support of the A-fam. i hear so many b-moms say that after seeing their child in the setting of their new home, interacting with their family only confirms and solidifies their choice. they find consolation in the joy of their child and their new friends. there shouldn't have to be a goodbye like mine. i know all is well, it was part of the evolution and progression but they were my dearest friends in eternity and i had to say goodbye. there's no sense in it. don't get me wrong, i understand. i'm at peace. he has all he need and so do i. but more is a blessing. i think the trend toward openness in the nation and in the church is spurred by observation and study that shows how much more healthy and beneficial openness is. i also think it's been led and inspired by a wise and merciful God. i believe open adoption is right and good.
now, these are only my perceptions you know, i share them freely but there is always another school of thought. the holy ghost will tell you what is useful to you and what is not. i'm startin to feel a little overbearing. you can tell i have a passion and zeal for this stuff.

thanx again SO much for lettin me give my 2 cents and be a lil part of what you're goin through. i remember the burden. i'm glad to share some of yours if i can. keep em comin!

Tamra